You have to know when to shut your mouth, and you have to then, shut your mouth. There are things that are none of your business -- most everything -- as your former "child", now an adult, goes about setting up his or her own household. It isn't easy.
Duct tape comes in handy
I suppose, in some way, you have to think of this as if these were friends of yours, sensitive friends and before stepping in ask yourself some questions.
If you want to comment on things like child-rearing, buying a house, how a kitchen is arranged - would you say this to your friends? Would you have wanted your friends (or your own MIL) to comment on this to you?
Holiday plans, visiting the other in-laws instead of coming to see you -- that's a bit more sensitive. Feelings get hurt and I am still not sure what to do with that. I've suggested to my local son and his wife that they consider being the hosts instead of trying to visit her family and his here. But his other family is hundreds of miles away, and they want to see them too.
I don't think you have to "suffer in silence" but you don't have to send out guilt laden messages either. "We'll miss you" is enough. And then go on with your life. If you only have one child and no spouse -- you need to get a life.
My thought was that there are times when a MIL needs to speak out, also -- that takes a certain amount of reflection and bravery. Others disagree -- you need to always Keep Your Mouth Shut
One of the things I pulled out of this incident was that it would have been better had I spoken up two months ago when I saw the things I wanted to address, instead of waiting and then bringing it up at this emotionally laden time (funeral of my son's favorite grandmother).
In self-defense, it was hard because I wasn't sure what the MIL 'rules' were -- would I be intruding or was it OK? At that time I was a visitor in their home. Instead of speaking out, I took the concerns home and talked to a couple of my BFF's about it and figured if I still saw what I'd seen on the next visit (probably another year to 6 months away), then I could bring it up. This funeral, of course, was sudden. And the issues were still there, probably magnified by the emotional surroundings of the event. Perhaps out of proportion, perhaps not.
As with knowing when to keep your mouth shut, I suppose a MIL should ask the same questions before bringing up a delicate issue.
Is this something I would bring up with married friends?
Is this something I would want my own friends (or in-laws) to point out to me in my own life?
and-- Is this the time? Is this the place?
After coming back from the funeral, I wrote a note to my second MIL, who just celebrated her 81st birthday. I wanted to thank her for being my MIL and mention a time when she approached me on a sensitive issue (I'd gone back to my maiden name while married, a big issue for the family - and a year later, I moved out - something she had been concerned about). I wanted to let her know I appreciated her and knew that conversation could not have been easy. At the time I didn't understand, and maybe she didn't either as I was her first DIL, how difficult that might have been.
Marriage is both a private thing and a community thing, especially in the family. I think if there are 'issues' a MIL sees that indicate a marriage might be troubled, then someone needs to point them out and ask if all is OK.
Not pass judgements, give solutions or offer cures, but just point them out - like, "the emperor has no clothes". Because sometimes people who are in the midst of something can't,won't, or don't want to see clearly.
However a MIL needs to remember that "Forsaking all others" means her too, if push comes to shove. And to consider that maybe it isn't up to her to bring an issue up - maybe it will resolve on it's own, without her 'help'. It's really hard for some of us to step aside and watch and in this new and undefined 'job' as MIL, to know what to do. Mistakes will be made.
When approaching a sensitive issue, if you come into conflict with your child's spouse, you are risking several relationships. You have to know that your child must choose their spouse over you and you should never enter into a conflict wanting to 'win'.
If you alienate your offspring's spouse, you are making life difficult for your child. You are putting a weight on their marriage they do not need. You may be the weight they get rid of, to save their marriage. If there are grandchildren involved, you could lose contact with them. Even if you don't lose contact with them, you may be creating a dysfunctional weighty situation within the family.
So, before speaking out on what seems an important issue, a MIL needs to be certain it is worth the risks.
It is a scary thing to do, and as with any whistle blower, you will not be thanked. You are more likely to be attacked, misunderstood and fired.
At the moment, I think that's where I am. Fired. I realize I could have been wrong to do this at all. Or in how I did, where I did it, or wrong in my assumptions. What I saw could have been misinterpreted. All I did, though, was say, I'm concerned --is everything OK, here's what I have been hearing in my last two visits this is how it looks.
At this point, all I can do is wait and be open.
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