So, go ahead, have fun with the negative comments to this one. I deserve them all. I am SOOOOO dense, I can't find any excuses for this.
We go back 2 years ago, when my 2nd son is having his first child. This is his wife's second child, not that that makes a difference, except, I suppose, it wasn't her first. So she knows about labor and child birth and most likely the delivery room.
I had no need or desire to be present in the delivery room. Really. I've had three of my own, I know the scene. It's exciting, but it's also private. The only people present at my deliveries were professionals and the parents. The baby's parents, not the grandparents. But that was eons ago, mine was an incredibly dysfunctional family - I would never have allowed my mother in the room - the times, the rules have changed. Really, I don't know what child birth etiquette is these days (I think it is - whatever the mother feels comfortable with - but I didn't bother to check).
My assumption (and we know what happens when you make assumptions) is that my son and his wife had discussed all of this in their childbirth classes and what they wanted was what would happen. And one of my stupids - I didn't want to upset my son or his wife, I wanted to do what was expected and cool. If they wanted me there, I'd be there, if not, not. So I didn't bother communicating on the topic of what did anyone want/expect..what would the mother, of all people, be comfortable with?
Truly, I don't remember much discussion on this. Who would be there, where, when, what, why. I don't. No talk about who would be watching the older grandchild, if his dad would take him or if he was going to be somewhere in the scene. Guess I figured this would be revealed at the time. Figured her mom would be somewhere nearby. I did not bother to ask.
My cell rang early one morning, my son all excited. Labor was happening, they were heading to the hospital, be there now, ok? Er, okay. Now? Yes, now! Do you really need me now? I mean... Yes NOW! Okay, well.., be there as soon as I can. (it's an hour away from me).
So, long story short, I was there for a good part of the labor. Her mom and sister were there. Her dad was there, bringing a young toddler her mother was supposed to be babysitting. Once the serious stuff started, only two people allowed aside from husband, and really...although I wouldn't have minded my mother-in-law in there, I'm not my DIL. But..not really a problem. I took the toddler and slipped out, entertained her for the rest of the time down in the cafeteria, a play room, the waiting room. (My DIL's dad had gone on to work, happy I think not to be around the birthing!).
My bads during this? I started to take pix of the labor (not the screaming part, the quiet pretty parts) along with my son but stopped when my DIL asked. This should have been a clue. No more pix. That was pretty stupid, but I think I just got carried away by the excitement and was trying to be helpful. (Take a moment now and scroll down and insert your comments...thoughtless, self-centered, insensitive, I know, I know).
Why do I write about this now? Because I did not realize, DID NOT REALIZE, for two years, until my DIL and were discussing why I hadn't been allowed to see this grandson for the two months after his birth (except for one brief visit to an event in the town I live in, which I suspect my son insisted I be included in)... this despite my being signed up for 3 days of childcare a week for the new baby, along with aftercare for his brother. Her reasoning was that she was in that 2 month period learning to breastfeed and recovering from childbirth - and being self conscious as these were intimate things that involved her body, etc. So she only wanted her mother, (and the other in-laws - my son's dad and his wife,) around. Not me.
Oh. Okay. They are planning another child, who I'll be taking care of, so I said, well, I hope that will change a little for the next child (meaning the 2 month shut out, not the MIL being there at childbirth, because I hadn't yet grasped that.)
She said, "not necessarily."
Oh. My. Okay.
So, I've started thinking about this. I'm SLOW, okay? It dawned (SLOWLY) on me that if the breastfeeding and childbirth recovery were intimate and my presence 2 months after childbirth felt like an intrusion - imagine how my presence at the birth (the labor anyway) must have felt. It then CRASHED on me that perhaps (no kidding) she would have preferred that I not be there at all.
Oi. Why didn't I think of that? And yes, it would have been good to have had that spelled out for me, but really. Why. did. I. not. think. of. that? Because, I swear to you, I am self-centered and assume people like me and want me around and would be comfortable telling me if they didn't.
So, my word to DIL's. If you don't want your MIL present at your child's birth, either you tell her, or you tell your husband to tell her. It isn't unreasonable, even if she thinks so. Even if you want your mother there and not your MIL. If that's how you feel, that's how if needs to be - you need to be feeling comfortable! Any woman should understand this - (I mean, ask her - did she have her MIL present at her son's birth?) Even if she takes it personally, she hopefully will get over it.
My advise to MIL's - unless your DIL openly and cheerfully tells you she wants you in the delivery room, don't assume you're invited. Don't invite yourself. Don't assume if your son invites you that your DIL wants you there. And if she doesn't, don't take it personally. You're still the grandmother, even if you weren't present at the birth.
If you don't talk these things out, I think they come out in other ways. They spill out even if you don't want them to, and a relationship that is good can sour. One that is bad will get worse.
It's scary to talk about it, but I swear, this is how we create or contribute to the problems in our lives.
As for me, I feel so stupid that I didn't see this - looking back now, it's clear and reasonable - I get it. And this time, I'm going to ask my son and his wife what I can do during their next child's birth to help out. It may be a good idea to apologize to my DIL - and let her know we're good.
Showing posts with label advise for MIL. Show all posts
Showing posts with label advise for MIL. Show all posts
Friday, June 29, 2012
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Some Thoughts about Mother in Laws
I've been astonished about how many Mother In Law haters there are around -- and how the feelings often expand from one's own mother in law to anyone who identifies herself to them as a Mother In Law.
I never really identified myself as "A Mother In Law" until recently, when I suddenly realized that's now a role of mine.
My own two MIL's were lovely people -- I never categorized them as bad by the title. I still don't understand the animosity - it saddens me to be included, if I've overstepped my bounds by accident or if I'm just being packaged in with all MIL's.
Here are just some thoughts I'd like to pass along...
I never really identified myself as "A Mother In Law" until recently, when I suddenly realized that's now a role of mine.
My own two MIL's were lovely people -- I never categorized them as bad by the title. I still don't understand the animosity - it saddens me to be included, if I've overstepped my bounds by accident or if I'm just being packaged in with all MIL's.
Here are just some thoughts I'd like to pass along...
- Mother in laws didn't grow up wanting to be a mother in law, let alone your mother in law. A mother yes, a grandmother -- maybe -- but not a mother in law
- Mother in laws started out as a mother. They still refer to themselves as a mother and to your spouse as one of their children.
- This isn't going to change. (How many parents who love their children ever stop referring to them as "my son" or "my daughter"?)
- Mother in Laws are going through a "role change" - from being one of the main advisor's in a child's life to "backdrop".
- Mother in Laws don't receive any warning or formal training to do this.
- There's also no handbook or manual.
- Mother in Laws were daughter in laws once (a new daughter in law could get her new MIL to talk about her own experiences with her MIL)
- Mother in Laws - most anyway - do not want to alienate their children's spouses, cause problems in their children's marriages and be unwelcome in their children's homes.
- Nobody - even in fairy tales - gets to pick who their mother in law will be -- sometimes you just have to deal with the hand you're dealt.
- Ditto for daughter and son in laws -- at least in Western cultures, mother in laws don't get to select who their children marry -- deal with it.
On the bright side
All of this ... conflict, unresolved though it may be.... has been helpful. It made me stop and think about what it means to be a Mother in Law... and what it doesn't mean.
I came across some interesting posts that are somewhat related, more about the new state of grandparents in America these days. In my mind, being a mother in law and a grandmother are tied together. I mean, you can be a grandmother without being a mother in law... and you can be a mother in law without being a grandmother. But in my mind, or my life, they are somewhat intertwined.
Let me try and unthread the two. If I'm only a mother in law, if there are no children involved, that would make life somewhat simpler in defining my role. There would be little place for me -- Mother In Law would just be the title for describing or introducing me to others. It only defines how I am related to my children's spouses. Simple. I do wish the definition went further than just saying that -- it should have rules with it to.
Mother In Law -- n. the female parent of a spouse. v. One who minds her own business.
Add to that the grandmother title, and you're adding more of a function. Most of the posts I saw were commenting on the "fact" that grandparents these days are different from grandparents of days gone by because they have more to do with taking care of their grandchildren. They are called upon as childcare because both of the parents work, or because there's a divorce and one of the parents needs help or has moved back home. Or they may have taken over child care because of drug or alcohol problems with the grandchildren's parents.
This doesn't sound like anything new to me -- grandparents if they so wish and are asked have always been available to help with the grandkids. The difference from my view is that many of us are choosing not to be supplemental parents.
The grandparenting issue is one that can cause problems with a Mother In Law, where there were no problems before... or exacerbate existing problems. It can be a problem for a MIL who wants to offer feedback on how to raise kids -- worse if she's one who wants to "tell" how it should be done. (Key advise -- unless your grandchildren are being abused, stay out of the child-rearing wisdom).
It can also be a problem if the MIL doesn't want to be a babysitter -- or if that's the only time she's contacted. Some of us have been parenting for a long time (myself - it will be 42 years of parenting done when my youngest graduates from high school). We at least need a break before and if we continue on babysitting (because we shouldn't be parenting). Some of us may have things we want to do that we've put off - and we may be realizing we have limited times. Other MIL's may be young enough to still be working and have their own lives.
In any case, I'm thankful in some ways for the silence I'm receiving because it's making me reflect on many things I might have not examined. I was pretty much trundling along, thinking I was doing what needed to be done. More later on what a DIL perhaps needs to say to her MIL, rather than making assumptions. We cannot read your minds.
I came across some interesting posts that are somewhat related, more about the new state of grandparents in America these days. In my mind, being a mother in law and a grandmother are tied together. I mean, you can be a grandmother without being a mother in law... and you can be a mother in law without being a grandmother. But in my mind, or my life, they are somewhat intertwined.
Let me try and unthread the two. If I'm only a mother in law, if there are no children involved, that would make life somewhat simpler in defining my role. There would be little place for me -- Mother In Law would just be the title for describing or introducing me to others. It only defines how I am related to my children's spouses. Simple. I do wish the definition went further than just saying that -- it should have rules with it to.
Mother In Law -- n. the female parent of a spouse. v. One who minds her own business.
Add to that the grandmother title, and you're adding more of a function. Most of the posts I saw were commenting on the "fact" that grandparents these days are different from grandparents of days gone by because they have more to do with taking care of their grandchildren. They are called upon as childcare because both of the parents work, or because there's a divorce and one of the parents needs help or has moved back home. Or they may have taken over child care because of drug or alcohol problems with the grandchildren's parents.
This doesn't sound like anything new to me -- grandparents if they so wish and are asked have always been available to help with the grandkids. The difference from my view is that many of us are choosing not to be supplemental parents.
The grandparenting issue is one that can cause problems with a Mother In Law, where there were no problems before... or exacerbate existing problems. It can be a problem for a MIL who wants to offer feedback on how to raise kids -- worse if she's one who wants to "tell" how it should be done. (Key advise -- unless your grandchildren are being abused, stay out of the child-rearing wisdom).
It can also be a problem if the MIL doesn't want to be a babysitter -- or if that's the only time she's contacted. Some of us have been parenting for a long time (myself - it will be 42 years of parenting done when my youngest graduates from high school). We at least need a break before and if we continue on babysitting (because we shouldn't be parenting). Some of us may have things we want to do that we've put off - and we may be realizing we have limited times. Other MIL's may be young enough to still be working and have their own lives.
In any case, I'm thankful in some ways for the silence I'm receiving because it's making me reflect on many things I might have not examined. I was pretty much trundling along, thinking I was doing what needed to be done. More later on what a DIL perhaps needs to say to her MIL, rather than making assumptions. We cannot read your minds.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Long Distance Mother In Lawing
Being a Long Distance Mother in Law might be seen as something that could be a plus to making the Mother in Law relationship a bit less stressful for all. But, you know, there are disadvantages too.
I have one set of in-laws (guess what-- my sons and their wives are my in-laws too!) who live 50 miles away - and another who live 3,914 miles away.
In both cases, you won't find me "dropping in" - a plus there. My mother once "dropped in" on my husband and myself while we were in the shower together..not just showering... so I know how nice it is not to have an in-law (or parent) just drop in.
For my long long distance family, though, this means visits have to be planned and budgeted, and when I come for a visit, they are stuck with me for long periods of time. Neither have seemed to mind - my daughter in law is Turkish and she seems to enjoy having family around for long periods of time -- her parents have stayed for 3 months, while I usually only stay for a week or two.
Still... you know what they say - "after 3 days, fish and visitors stink". And despite what we new in laws think, that applies to us, too.
The other disadvantage of long distance in-lawing that comes to me is the inability to resolve issues - especially if one party is not talking to another. You can't arrange a tea to talk, you can't 'run into' someone at a common place -- the distance becomes distance.
You'd think the internet and Skype would help - and in some cases, perhaps they do. But there is nothing like a face to face sit down to resolve a conflict, even if that were to mean it started out with a good yelling fit first.
In my particular case, nothing is helping so I'm to the point where I'm losing any concern about writing things down in here -- one of the other things I'm learning about being a mother in law is that one's own children don't really have the time to read what you're writing. Nor do they care. And I'm not being sarcastic or full of pity here. I'm finding this somewhat humbling, and somewhat amusing.
My kids (and by that I include my DIL's) just don't have time. They have their own lives. This could go down in the Lessons for Mother in Laws which I'm slowly accumulating. This isn't something personal, they are just busy busy busy... as I was at their age.
Evidently this is the real reason holidays started (before Hallmark and others realized how profitable they were). Holidays are a way to force families to make time for each other. Although, I can already assure you there will be more writings in the coming holidays about Mother in Laws and holidays -- especially since modern families can have as many as 4 Mother In Laws, perhaps more, in one family. What a scene -- not a Norman Rockwell moment, and one I'm glad I missed out on.
In any case -- long distance, while a plus to the DIL or SIL who cannot stand the in-laws, is a disadvantage for a MIL who wants to resolve a family conflict.
At this moment, ours has gone from bad to worse.
Our conflict started the week-end of July 11th during a stateside visit for a funeral. My bad for the way I handled something, though I believe it was a relatively minor event that has gotten blown up and escalated for reasons I'm not entirely clear on.
It's not been a month but to me it feels like it's been years. My DIL is not speaking to me so I wrote a letter of apology. I'd told my son I would do that - though I don't believe what I actually did was wrong, the way I presented it to her, the timing, was very wrong and put her in an awkward situation. So I wrote and told her I loved her and apologized for that and didn't go into why I'd said what I did, or argue dead points.
I'd told my son, too, that he and I don't need to talk about this -- she would feel like we were ganging up on her - she's his wife, and this is between she and I...it seemed like something she and I (who have known each other, though not as well as I'd like, for nearly 8 years with never a problem) could work out - that it could even have brought us together as we worked through this, by talking about it.
But there's been no reply.
It may be that she's just busy - she has other things in her life, and this may not seem as big to her now as it does to me. Or she's still angry. Or this is a build up from those visits of two weeks long visits and the way I did this or that really irritated her. Or she has a specific time set for this -- a month, perhaps two, of silent punishment. I'm not certain.
Mind you, I'm not expecting a reply of acceptance and some sweet and happy ending. What I was expecting was some acknowledgement that my message was heard -- even if the reply was "and I don't want to talk about it now", that would be a reply.
Silence is a cold shoulder. Silence is rude. I'm somewhat stunned by it. What has happened now is that the problem is escalating and taking on a life of its own. Because I love my son and grandson, because I value their happiness and support their family, there will be no vindictive or hateful contra punishments. But there's a natural reaction I just can't help.
I blame much of this on the long distance. The mistake I made was in not talking directly to her about something that concerned me when it happened, and I did not do it because we live so far apart, I waited until we were together again in a short period of time. That's due to the long distance.
The long distance means I have to sit and wait, it means not even an invitation to tea can be made or turned down. As I wait , my own feelings build up and as I said to a friend today, the silence at the other end now added to whatever my DIL thinks I did to her is creating even more of another kind of distance. We will have a lot of work to do to rebuild this, because the small wound - or perhaps large to her, I do not know for sure -- is growing. It surely isn't healing. Still, there is nothing I can do further - I can only sit and wait.
Thankfully, there are books out about Mother in laws --they give me something to read, something to lean on. I've got little reviews of them up on my Mother In Law Training page. They don't give me any solutions to this, but I am learning a lot about being a Mother in Law from them. Which of course is all my training page is about ... me... being trained as a mother in law through the things I do...and the things I read. (I'm the first in my little group to be a mother in law.. lucky me...)
It did sneak up on me, this MIL stuff...it was a piece of cake, I really was unaware of the power and danger that can be there until this happened...because of this mishap with my DIL, suddenly I woke up and realized I'm a MIL...
I have one set of in-laws (guess what-- my sons and their wives are my in-laws too!) who live 50 miles away - and another who live 3,914 miles away.
In both cases, you won't find me "dropping in" - a plus there. My mother once "dropped in" on my husband and myself while we were in the shower together..not just showering... so I know how nice it is not to have an in-law (or parent) just drop in.
For my long long distance family, though, this means visits have to be planned and budgeted, and when I come for a visit, they are stuck with me for long periods of time. Neither have seemed to mind - my daughter in law is Turkish and she seems to enjoy having family around for long periods of time -- her parents have stayed for 3 months, while I usually only stay for a week or two.
Still... you know what they say - "after 3 days, fish and visitors stink". And despite what we new in laws think, that applies to us, too.
The other disadvantage of long distance in-lawing that comes to me is the inability to resolve issues - especially if one party is not talking to another. You can't arrange a tea to talk, you can't 'run into' someone at a common place -- the distance becomes distance.
You'd think the internet and Skype would help - and in some cases, perhaps they do. But there is nothing like a face to face sit down to resolve a conflict, even if that were to mean it started out with a good yelling fit first.
In my particular case, nothing is helping so I'm to the point where I'm losing any concern about writing things down in here -- one of the other things I'm learning about being a mother in law is that one's own children don't really have the time to read what you're writing. Nor do they care. And I'm not being sarcastic or full of pity here. I'm finding this somewhat humbling, and somewhat amusing.
My kids (and by that I include my DIL's) just don't have time. They have their own lives. This could go down in the Lessons for Mother in Laws which I'm slowly accumulating. This isn't something personal, they are just busy busy busy... as I was at their age.
Evidently this is the real reason holidays started (before Hallmark and others realized how profitable they were). Holidays are a way to force families to make time for each other. Although, I can already assure you there will be more writings in the coming holidays about Mother in Laws and holidays -- especially since modern families can have as many as 4 Mother In Laws, perhaps more, in one family. What a scene -- not a Norman Rockwell moment, and one I'm glad I missed out on.
In any case -- long distance, while a plus to the DIL or SIL who cannot stand the in-laws, is a disadvantage for a MIL who wants to resolve a family conflict.
At this moment, ours has gone from bad to worse.
Our conflict started the week-end of July 11th during a stateside visit for a funeral. My bad for the way I handled something, though I believe it was a relatively minor event that has gotten blown up and escalated for reasons I'm not entirely clear on.
It's not been a month but to me it feels like it's been years. My DIL is not speaking to me so I wrote a letter of apology. I'd told my son I would do that - though I don't believe what I actually did was wrong, the way I presented it to her, the timing, was very wrong and put her in an awkward situation. So I wrote and told her I loved her and apologized for that and didn't go into why I'd said what I did, or argue dead points.
I'd told my son, too, that he and I don't need to talk about this -- she would feel like we were ganging up on her - she's his wife, and this is between she and I...it seemed like something she and I (who have known each other, though not as well as I'd like, for nearly 8 years with never a problem) could work out - that it could even have brought us together as we worked through this, by talking about it.
But there's been no reply.
It may be that she's just busy - she has other things in her life, and this may not seem as big to her now as it does to me. Or she's still angry. Or this is a build up from those visits of two weeks long visits and the way I did this or that really irritated her. Or she has a specific time set for this -- a month, perhaps two, of silent punishment. I'm not certain.
Mind you, I'm not expecting a reply of acceptance and some sweet and happy ending. What I was expecting was some acknowledgement that my message was heard -- even if the reply was "and I don't want to talk about it now", that would be a reply.
Silence is a cold shoulder. Silence is rude. I'm somewhat stunned by it. What has happened now is that the problem is escalating and taking on a life of its own. Because I love my son and grandson, because I value their happiness and support their family, there will be no vindictive or hateful contra punishments. But there's a natural reaction I just can't help.
I blame much of this on the long distance. The mistake I made was in not talking directly to her about something that concerned me when it happened, and I did not do it because we live so far apart, I waited until we were together again in a short period of time. That's due to the long distance.
The long distance means I have to sit and wait, it means not even an invitation to tea can be made or turned down. As I wait , my own feelings build up and as I said to a friend today, the silence at the other end now added to whatever my DIL thinks I did to her is creating even more of another kind of distance. We will have a lot of work to do to rebuild this, because the small wound - or perhaps large to her, I do not know for sure -- is growing. It surely isn't healing. Still, there is nothing I can do further - I can only sit and wait.
Thankfully, there are books out about Mother in laws --they give me something to read, something to lean on. I've got little reviews of them up on my Mother In Law Training page. They don't give me any solutions to this, but I am learning a lot about being a Mother in Law from them. Which of course is all my training page is about ... me... being trained as a mother in law through the things I do...and the things I read. (I'm the first in my little group to be a mother in law.. lucky me...)
It did sneak up on me, this MIL stuff...it was a piece of cake, I really was unaware of the power and danger that can be there until this happened...because of this mishap with my DIL, suddenly I woke up and realized I'm a MIL...
Thursday, July 16, 2009
On Holding your tongue and forsaking others
The one thing I took home with me was an appreciation for how difficult it is to be a mother-in-law sometimes. It isn't all smiles and buying gifts and baking apple pies (or whatever the ideal mother-in-law does).
You have to know when to shut your mouth, and you have to then, shut your mouth. There are things that are none of your business -- most everything -- as your former "child", now an adult, goes about setting up his or her own household. It isn't easy.
Duct tape comes in handy
I suppose, in some way, you have to think of this as if these were friends of yours, sensitive friends and before stepping in ask yourself some questions.
If you want to comment on things like child-rearing, buying a house, how a kitchen is arranged - would you say this to your friends? Would you have wanted your friends (or your own MIL) to comment on this to you?
Holiday plans, visiting the other in-laws instead of coming to see you -- that's a bit more sensitive. Feelings get hurt and I am still not sure what to do with that. I've suggested to my local son and his wife that they consider being the hosts instead of trying to visit her family and his here. But his other family is hundreds of miles away, and they want to see them too.
I don't think you have to "suffer in silence" but you don't have to send out guilt laden messages either. "We'll miss you" is enough. And then go on with your life. If you only have one child and no spouse -- you need to get a life.
My thought was that there are times when a MIL needs to speak out, also -- that takes a certain amount of reflection and bravery. Others disagree -- you need to always Keep Your Mouth Shut
One of the things I pulled out of this incident was that it would have been better had I spoken up two months ago when I saw the things I wanted to address, instead of waiting and then bringing it up at this emotionally laden time (funeral of my son's favorite grandmother).
In self-defense, it was hard because I wasn't sure what the MIL 'rules' were -- would I be intruding or was it OK? At that time I was a visitor in their home. Instead of speaking out, I took the concerns home and talked to a couple of my BFF's about it and figured if I still saw what I'd seen on the next visit (probably another year to 6 months away), then I could bring it up. This funeral, of course, was sudden. And the issues were still there, probably magnified by the emotional surroundings of the event. Perhaps out of proportion, perhaps not.
As with knowing when to keep your mouth shut, I suppose a MIL should ask the same questions before bringing up a delicate issue.
Is this something I would bring up with married friends?
Is this something I would want my own friends (or in-laws) to point out to me in my own life?
and-- Is this the time? Is this the place?
After coming back from the funeral, I wrote a note to my second MIL, who just celebrated her 81st birthday. I wanted to thank her for being my MIL and mention a time when she approached me on a sensitive issue (I'd gone back to my maiden name while married, a big issue for the family - and a year later, I moved out - something she had been concerned about). I wanted to let her know I appreciated her and knew that conversation could not have been easy. At the time I didn't understand, and maybe she didn't either as I was her first DIL, how difficult that might have been.
Marriage is both a private thing and a community thing, especially in the family. I think if there are 'issues' a MIL sees that indicate a marriage might be troubled, then someone needs to point them out and ask if all is OK.
Not pass judgements, give solutions or offer cures, but just point them out - like, "the emperor has no clothes". Because sometimes people who are in the midst of something can't,won't, or don't want to see clearly.
However a MIL needs to remember that "Forsaking all others" means her too, if push comes to shove. And to consider that maybe it isn't up to her to bring an issue up - maybe it will resolve on it's own, without her 'help'. It's really hard for some of us to step aside and watch and in this new and undefined 'job' as MIL, to know what to do. Mistakes will be made.
When approaching a sensitive issue, if you come into conflict with your child's spouse, you are risking several relationships. You have to know that your child must choose their spouse over you and you should never enter into a conflict wanting to 'win'.
If you alienate your offspring's spouse, you are making life difficult for your child. You are putting a weight on their marriage they do not need. You may be the weight they get rid of, to save their marriage. If there are grandchildren involved, you could lose contact with them. Even if you don't lose contact with them, you may be creating a dysfunctional weighty situation within the family.
So, before speaking out on what seems an important issue, a MIL needs to be certain it is worth the risks.
It is a scary thing to do, and as with any whistle blower, you will not be thanked. You are more likely to be attacked, misunderstood and fired.
At the moment, I think that's where I am. Fired. I realize I could have been wrong to do this at all. Or in how I did, where I did it, or wrong in my assumptions. What I saw could have been misinterpreted. All I did, though, was say, I'm concerned --is everything OK, here's what I have been hearing in my last two visits this is how it looks.
At this point, all I can do is wait and be open.
You have to know when to shut your mouth, and you have to then, shut your mouth. There are things that are none of your business -- most everything -- as your former "child", now an adult, goes about setting up his or her own household. It isn't easy.
Duct tape comes in handy
I suppose, in some way, you have to think of this as if these were friends of yours, sensitive friends and before stepping in ask yourself some questions.
If you want to comment on things like child-rearing, buying a house, how a kitchen is arranged - would you say this to your friends? Would you have wanted your friends (or your own MIL) to comment on this to you?
Holiday plans, visiting the other in-laws instead of coming to see you -- that's a bit more sensitive. Feelings get hurt and I am still not sure what to do with that. I've suggested to my local son and his wife that they consider being the hosts instead of trying to visit her family and his here. But his other family is hundreds of miles away, and they want to see them too.
I don't think you have to "suffer in silence" but you don't have to send out guilt laden messages either. "We'll miss you" is enough. And then go on with your life. If you only have one child and no spouse -- you need to get a life.
My thought was that there are times when a MIL needs to speak out, also -- that takes a certain amount of reflection and bravery. Others disagree -- you need to always Keep Your Mouth Shut
One of the things I pulled out of this incident was that it would have been better had I spoken up two months ago when I saw the things I wanted to address, instead of waiting and then bringing it up at this emotionally laden time (funeral of my son's favorite grandmother).
In self-defense, it was hard because I wasn't sure what the MIL 'rules' were -- would I be intruding or was it OK? At that time I was a visitor in their home. Instead of speaking out, I took the concerns home and talked to a couple of my BFF's about it and figured if I still saw what I'd seen on the next visit (probably another year to 6 months away), then I could bring it up. This funeral, of course, was sudden. And the issues were still there, probably magnified by the emotional surroundings of the event. Perhaps out of proportion, perhaps not.
As with knowing when to keep your mouth shut, I suppose a MIL should ask the same questions before bringing up a delicate issue.
Is this something I would bring up with married friends?
Is this something I would want my own friends (or in-laws) to point out to me in my own life?
and-- Is this the time? Is this the place?
After coming back from the funeral, I wrote a note to my second MIL, who just celebrated her 81st birthday. I wanted to thank her for being my MIL and mention a time when she approached me on a sensitive issue (I'd gone back to my maiden name while married, a big issue for the family - and a year later, I moved out - something she had been concerned about). I wanted to let her know I appreciated her and knew that conversation could not have been easy. At the time I didn't understand, and maybe she didn't either as I was her first DIL, how difficult that might have been.
Marriage is both a private thing and a community thing, especially in the family. I think if there are 'issues' a MIL sees that indicate a marriage might be troubled, then someone needs to point them out and ask if all is OK.
Not pass judgements, give solutions or offer cures, but just point them out - like, "the emperor has no clothes". Because sometimes people who are in the midst of something can't,won't, or don't want to see clearly.
However a MIL needs to remember that "Forsaking all others" means her too, if push comes to shove. And to consider that maybe it isn't up to her to bring an issue up - maybe it will resolve on it's own, without her 'help'. It's really hard for some of us to step aside and watch and in this new and undefined 'job' as MIL, to know what to do. Mistakes will be made.
When approaching a sensitive issue, if you come into conflict with your child's spouse, you are risking several relationships. You have to know that your child must choose their spouse over you and you should never enter into a conflict wanting to 'win'.
If you alienate your offspring's spouse, you are making life difficult for your child. You are putting a weight on their marriage they do not need. You may be the weight they get rid of, to save their marriage. If there are grandchildren involved, you could lose contact with them. Even if you don't lose contact with them, you may be creating a dysfunctional weighty situation within the family.
So, before speaking out on what seems an important issue, a MIL needs to be certain it is worth the risks.
It is a scary thing to do, and as with any whistle blower, you will not be thanked. You are more likely to be attacked, misunderstood and fired.
At the moment, I think that's where I am. Fired. I realize I could have been wrong to do this at all. Or in how I did, where I did it, or wrong in my assumptions. What I saw could have been misinterpreted. All I did, though, was say, I'm concerned --is everything OK, here's what I have been hearing in my last two visits this is how it looks.
At this point, all I can do is wait and be open.
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