God Help Me, But I'm Dense...

So, go ahead, have fun with the negative comments to this one.  I deserve them all.  I am SOOOOO dense, I can't find any excuses for this.

We go back 2 years ago, when my 2nd son is having his first child.  This is his wife's second child, not that that makes a difference, except, I suppose, it wasn't her first.  So she knows about labor and child birth and most likely the delivery room.

I had no need or desire to be present in the delivery room.  Really.  I've had three of my own, I know the scene.  It's exciting, but it's also private.  The only people present at my deliveries were professionals and the parents.  The baby's parents, not the grandparents.  But that was eons ago, mine was an incredibly dysfunctional family - I would never have allowed my mother in the room - the times, the rules have changed.  Really, I don't know what child birth etiquette is these days (I think it is - whatever the mother feels comfortable with - but I didn't bother to check).

My assumption (and we know what happens when you make assumptions) is that my son and his wife had discussed all of this in their childbirth classes and what they wanted was what would happen.  And one of my stupids - I didn't want to upset my son or his wife, I wanted to do what was expected and cool.   If they wanted me there, I'd be there, if not, not.  So I didn't bother communicating on the topic of what did anyone want/expect..what would the mother, of all people, be comfortable with? 

Truly, I don't remember much discussion on this.  Who would be there, where, when, what, why.  I don't.  No talk about who would be watching the older grandchild, if his dad would take him or if he was going to be somewhere in the scene.  Guess I figured this would be revealed at the time.  Figured her mom would be somewhere nearby.  I did not bother to ask.

My cell rang early one morning, my son all excited.  Labor was happening, they were heading to the hospital, be there now, ok?  Er, okay. Now?  Yes, now!  Do you really need me now?  I mean... Yes NOW!  Okay, well.., be there as soon as I can. (it's an hour away from me).

So, long story short, I was there for a good part of the labor.  Her mom and sister were there. Her dad was there, bringing a young toddler her mother was supposed to be babysitting. Once the serious stuff started, only two people allowed aside from husband, and really...although I wouldn't have minded my mother-in-law in there, I'm not my DIL.  But..not really a problem. I took the toddler and slipped out, entertained her for the rest of the time down in the cafeteria, a play room, the waiting room.  (My DIL's dad had gone on to work, happy I think not to be around the birthing!).

My bads during this?  I started to take pix of the labor (not the screaming part, the quiet pretty parts) along with my son but stopped when my DIL asked. This should have been a clue.  No more pix.  That was pretty stupid, but I think I just got carried away by the excitement and was trying to be helpful.  (Take a moment now and scroll down and insert your comments...thoughtless, self-centered, insensitive, I know, I know).

Why do I write about this now?  Because I did not realize, DID NOT REALIZE, for two years, until my DIL and were discussing why I hadn't been allowed to see this grandson for the two months after his birth (except for one brief visit to an event in the town I live in, which I suspect my son insisted I be included in)... this despite my being signed up for 3 days of childcare a week for the new baby, along with aftercare for his brother.   Her reasoning was that she was in that 2 month period learning to breastfeed and recovering from childbirth - and being self conscious as these were intimate things that involved her body, etc.  So she only wanted her mother, (and the other in-laws - my son's dad and his wife,) around. Not me.

Oh. Okay.  They are planning another child, who I'll be taking care of, so I said, well, I hope that will change a little for the next child (meaning the 2 month shut out, not the MIL being there at childbirth, because I hadn't yet grasped that.)

  She said, "not necessarily."  

Oh. My.  Okay.

So, I've started thinking about this.  I'm SLOW, okay?  It dawned (SLOWLY) on me that if the breastfeeding and childbirth recovery were intimate and my presence 2 months after childbirth felt like an intrusion - imagine how my presence at the  birth (the labor anyway) must have felt.  It then CRASHED on me that perhaps (no kidding) she would have preferred that I not be there at all.

Oi.  Why didn't I think of that?  And yes, it would have been good to have had that spelled out for me, but really.  Why. did. I. not. think. of. that?  Because, I swear to you, I am self-centered and assume people like me and want me around and would be comfortable telling me if they didn't.

So, my word to DIL's.  If you don't want your MIL present at your child's birth, either you tell her, or you tell your husband to tell her.  It isn't unreasonable, even if she thinks so.  Even if you want your mother there and not your MIL.  If that's how you feel, that's how if needs to be - you need to be feeling comfortable! Any woman should understand this - (I mean, ask her - did she have her MIL present at  her son's birth?)  Even if she takes it personally, she hopefully will get over it.

My advise to MIL's - unless your DIL openly and cheerfully tells you she wants you in the delivery room, don't assume you're invited.  Don't invite yourself.  Don't assume if your son invites you that your DIL wants you there.  And if she doesn't, don't take it personally.   You're still the grandmother, even if you weren't present at the birth.

If you don't talk these things out, I think they come out in other ways.  They spill out even if you don't want them to, and a relationship that is good can sour. One that is bad will get worse.

It's scary to talk about it, but I swear, this is how we create or contribute to the problems in our lives.

As for me, I feel so stupid that I didn't see this - looking back now, it's clear and reasonable - I get it.  And this time, I'm going to ask my son and his wife what I can do during their next child's birth to help out.  It may be a good idea to apologize to my DIL - and let her know we're good.

The problem with daughter in laws

Since nobody reads this, I feel free to express myself! The problem with daughter in laws is ... in my opinion ... a sentence that leads to conflict, distancing and arguments.

But if we must finish that sentence? The problem with daughter in laws, from the mother in law's perspective, might be one of many things. And it well depends on the mother in law's perceptions of her place in her married son's life.

This whole issue - mother in laws and daughter in laws - is so loaded with tension and conflict, it's a wonder there are any mother in laws and daughter in laws who get along. It's a wonder we aren't hearing horror stories of undercover agents hired by both "sides" to get rid of the other.

From what I read on the boards - even the board I like - the problem with daugher in laws and mother in laws is who we each think the other is, and who we think we are.

There are so many ways the roles can be played, it is impossible and incorrect to broadly place a daughter in law or a mother in law in the position of victim or bully, wrong party or Queen Manipulator.

It isn't a matter of the Title that gives the power, though you would think so if you read the boards. All Daughter in Laws are < fill in the blank > All Mother in Laws are < fill in the blank > .

The problem with daughter in laws is that they are people. The problem with mother in laws is that they are people. Flawed, with different degrees of maturity and perceptions of their own position in the lives of the others.

Sadly for those who get locked into the dramas, the problem with daughter in laws and mother in laws is that they seem to forget we are only here for a very short time. It can all end, literally, in a heart beat.

Cutting the MIL a break

The more I read and talk to MIL's the more it seems to me that a good deal of the problems between MIL and DIL's that aren't caused by control issues on either side or serious emotional problems have to do with our inexperience.

In my case, it isn't just my inexperience as a MIL -- my first DIL, who's been married seven years, now has more experience as a wife than I do. Sad for me, but true. Our run in had to do with my attempting to offer relationship advice. As I look back, that's a sit com tragi-drama in the making! Or not -- maybe those of us who have failed at relationships want as much - if not more - than others to stop a divorce in their offspring's family.

Of course, we need to stay out of it - I learned the hard way. Whatever they are going through - if anything - is how they are developing and deepening their relationship.

Unfortunately, nearly 3 months later it doesn't matter. Though I don't think I pried, just tried to open a conversation that could have been shut with a simple - stay out of this - and though I apologized, things are never going to be the same. Not necessarily in a 'growing' good way.

It would be helpful to any Mother in Law, Daughter in Law relationship if people could cut each other a break. Instead of assuming the worst intentions, allow for human nature with all of its flaws to have had a hand in whatever went on.

On the bright side, I think whatever has been lost here has been a gain for my second DIL and probably will be for DIL #3 (whenever that happens -- hopefully not for a good 10 years as my youngest son is only 18!).

Peace out.... :)