God Help Me, But I'm Dense...

So, go ahead, have fun with the negative comments to this one.  I deserve them all.  I am SOOOOO dense, I can't find any excuses for this.

We go back 2 years ago, when my 2nd son is having his first child.  This is his wife's second child, not that that makes a difference, except, I suppose, it wasn't her first.  So she knows about labor and child birth and most likely the delivery room.

I had no need or desire to be present in the delivery room.  Really.  I've had three of my own, I know the scene.  It's exciting, but it's also private.  The only people present at my deliveries were professionals and the parents.  The baby's parents, not the grandparents.  But that was eons ago, mine was an incredibly dysfunctional family - I would never have allowed my mother in the room - the times, the rules have changed.  Really, I don't know what child birth etiquette is these days (I think it is - whatever the mother feels comfortable with - but I didn't bother to check).

My assumption (and we know what happens when you make assumptions) is that my son and his wife had discussed all of this in their childbirth classes and what they wanted was what would happen.  And one of my stupids - I didn't want to upset my son or his wife, I wanted to do what was expected and cool.   If they wanted me there, I'd be there, if not, not.  So I didn't bother communicating on the topic of what did anyone want/expect..what would the mother, of all people, be comfortable with? 

Truly, I don't remember much discussion on this.  Who would be there, where, when, what, why.  I don't.  No talk about who would be watching the older grandchild, if his dad would take him or if he was going to be somewhere in the scene.  Guess I figured this would be revealed at the time.  Figured her mom would be somewhere nearby.  I did not bother to ask.

My cell rang early one morning, my son all excited.  Labor was happening, they were heading to the hospital, be there now, ok?  Er, okay. Now?  Yes, now!  Do you really need me now?  I mean... Yes NOW!  Okay, well.., be there as soon as I can. (it's an hour away from me).

So, long story short, I was there for a good part of the labor.  Her mom and sister were there. Her dad was there, bringing a young toddler her mother was supposed to be babysitting. Once the serious stuff started, only two people allowed aside from husband, and really...although I wouldn't have minded my mother-in-law in there, I'm not my DIL.  But..not really a problem. I took the toddler and slipped out, entertained her for the rest of the time down in the cafeteria, a play room, the waiting room.  (My DIL's dad had gone on to work, happy I think not to be around the birthing!).

My bads during this?  I started to take pix of the labor (not the screaming part, the quiet pretty parts) along with my son but stopped when my DIL asked. This should have been a clue.  No more pix.  That was pretty stupid, but I think I just got carried away by the excitement and was trying to be helpful.  (Take a moment now and scroll down and insert your comments...thoughtless, self-centered, insensitive, I know, I know).

Why do I write about this now?  Because I did not realize, DID NOT REALIZE, for two years, until my DIL and were discussing why I hadn't been allowed to see this grandson for the two months after his birth (except for one brief visit to an event in the town I live in, which I suspect my son insisted I be included in)... this despite my being signed up for 3 days of childcare a week for the new baby, along with aftercare for his brother.   Her reasoning was that she was in that 2 month period learning to breastfeed and recovering from childbirth - and being self conscious as these were intimate things that involved her body, etc.  So she only wanted her mother, (and the other in-laws - my son's dad and his wife,) around. Not me.

Oh. Okay.  They are planning another child, who I'll be taking care of, so I said, well, I hope that will change a little for the next child (meaning the 2 month shut out, not the MIL being there at childbirth, because I hadn't yet grasped that.)

  She said, "not necessarily."  

Oh. My.  Okay.

So, I've started thinking about this.  I'm SLOW, okay?  It dawned (SLOWLY) on me that if the breastfeeding and childbirth recovery were intimate and my presence 2 months after childbirth felt like an intrusion - imagine how my presence at the  birth (the labor anyway) must have felt.  It then CRASHED on me that perhaps (no kidding) she would have preferred that I not be there at all.

Oi.  Why didn't I think of that?  And yes, it would have been good to have had that spelled out for me, but really.  Why. did. I. not. think. of. that?  Because, I swear to you, I am self-centered and assume people like me and want me around and would be comfortable telling me if they didn't.

So, my word to DIL's.  If you don't want your MIL present at your child's birth, either you tell her, or you tell your husband to tell her.  It isn't unreasonable, even if she thinks so.  Even if you want your mother there and not your MIL.  If that's how you feel, that's how if needs to be - you need to be feeling comfortable! Any woman should understand this - (I mean, ask her - did she have her MIL present at  her son's birth?)  Even if she takes it personally, she hopefully will get over it.

My advise to MIL's - unless your DIL openly and cheerfully tells you she wants you in the delivery room, don't assume you're invited.  Don't invite yourself.  Don't assume if your son invites you that your DIL wants you there.  And if she doesn't, don't take it personally.   You're still the grandmother, even if you weren't present at the birth.

If you don't talk these things out, I think they come out in other ways.  They spill out even if you don't want them to, and a relationship that is good can sour. One that is bad will get worse.

It's scary to talk about it, but I swear, this is how we create or contribute to the problems in our lives.

As for me, I feel so stupid that I didn't see this - looking back now, it's clear and reasonable - I get it.  And this time, I'm going to ask my son and his wife what I can do during their next child's birth to help out.  It may be a good idea to apologize to my DIL - and let her know we're good.

Not everybody is going to like you all the time

Here's an awakening for me, as a Mother in Law. This comes out of work I'm doing in a non-MIL book, the not so big life, by Sarah Susanka (author of the not so big house).

The Big News from my self to me is, my DIL's do not have to and may not like me. May be they'll like me some of the time. Maybe they won't like me at all. Maybe they'll like me sometimes, and sometimes my welcome will wear thin on them. Maybe they don't want to spend their free time with me.

Holy crap.

And so? So what? What does that mean? Are they evil? Am I evil? I don't think so - I think it just means what it says. It is what it is.

From the reading and work I've done on the not so big life book came an epiphany - not everyone is going to like me. Not only that, even those that do like me aren't going to like me all the time or want to be with me as much as I want to be with them.

That may not be news to you, but it's news to me. I've always thought that if I worked hard enough, did everything right (even if I wasn't always "nice" -- i.e., if I was at least honest) I would be liked and admired for my goodness and other wonderful personality traits. But of course, that's not so.

This epiphany also turned on a light in the MIL - DIL portion of my brain. A while ago I came to realize that the reason my first MIL stayed in touch with me was not because I was someone she just couldn't get enough of (though she was really a kind and caring person, along with being funny, practical and keen), but because as the custodial parent for most of the time my son was growing up, I was the contact person. Staying in touch with me, being nice, remembering birthdays and including me in her yearly Christmas newsletter was also smart. This didn't stop after my son and his dad started spending more time together, because she didn't do that as a manipulative ploy. She also, I think, was trying to like me despite myself.

In any case, what now comes to me, as the light brightens or spreads out, is the realization that just because you or I are MIL's doesn't mean our DIL's necessarily like us. That was a shocker to me -- I'd always assumed my son's girlfriends, and then later their wives, just thought I was the most wonderful mother and potential mother in law around. Surely they enjoyed my wit and humor! They found my housekeeping methods amusing, if a bit unorthodox. I'd always thought if we hadn't met through my sons but through work, we might have been friendly co-workers.

Now, with this newly shed light, I'm not so sure. Because after a few years of the newness of it all have worn off, as a wife becomes confident that they are indeed the main woman in their husband's life, perhaps it isn't so necessary to try so hard to force herself to put up with a MIL's odd behavior, to her too personal or too impersonal behavior, to forcing herself to like someone who seems a bit.. incompatible.. to her.

As I roam around the boards and read books and listen to other MIL's, I do hear comments along the lines of "she isn't who I would have chosen for him, but..." or "I am trying to like her because my son loves her but..."


You can pick your fleas by Nanas_Alley

Guess what? The reverse may also be true. Just as we don't choose our children's spouses, they don't choose their spouses' parents. And yet most of our children's mates are going to start of trying to like us -- after all, we're the ones that spawned the person they fell in love with. There must be something about us that is related to the aspects of their partner that they love? And maybe they would like us, if we gave them enough reason and space. I have to ask myself - how much would I like any woman who seemed to be a constant presence in my life with my husband?

After awhile, wouldn't her welcome wear thin? And wouldn't it be possible that welcome would grow even thinner if I had to present on the outside some kind of externally glowing smile, in order to not upset my husband? Good God, I think I'd grow weary of it sooner rather than later!

In the midst of all this, my 2nd son had invited me to go to dinner and a movie one Friday night with his wife and himself. Keen, I thought - I had just dropped off my youngest at school and had no date, hadn't seen them in a month - they'd just been away spending their vacation with his dad and step-mom.

Then I read her post on Facebook, posted before he'd sent me the e-mail invite. "Looking forward to going a movie with my hubby Friday night" she'd written.

My new light flashed urgently, much as I wanted to ignore it. "Read that!!!" it shrieked.

"I read it, she's looking forward to the movie," I told myself.

"Read that, read that, read that!!!" it shrieked again.

I read it and sighed. "So?"

"Think!!!!" it screamed at me. "Remember the last movie you went to with them?"

A dim older light flickered off and on - yes, I recalled. My DIL had seemed distant and grumpy that night. I'd written it off to her being tired from a long work week, or maybe she and he had had some kind of argument. Whatever -- I shrugged it off.

"Seeeeeee?????" my bright new light flashed brightly at me.

"Hmmmm". I had to admit -- if I looked at this from a DIL standpoint - after spending two weeks with my husband's other parents (much as I enjoyed that), how would I feel sharing our first Friday night back home going out for a romantic dinner and movie with.... my Mother in Law.

So, I e-mailed my son and backed out -- you know, there are a lot of other things I can do. And we can get together another time - it doesn't have to be on their Friday night date night!

I thought back to my last conversation with that same DIL, in which she kept asking me about my social life -- did I enjoy being single, was I ever going to date again? Hmmmmm. Maybe she was trying to tell me something!

This insight certainly has given me something to think about and also some relief. I don't have to pretend to myself to like them all the time. If I can accept that they don't have to love me, then I can forgive myself for not auto-loving them. I can do my best because they married my children, but if I don't love someone my child picked as a spouse as much as I love my child, that doesn't make me the MIL from hell. What would make me that is if I thought I had to love my child's spouse, couldn't and then put the blame on him or her for not being lovable by my standards.

That aside, perhaps we can begin relate to each other as people.