Arguing with a Mother In Law isn't All Bad

I'm not kidding. The current situation with my DIL #1 is getting worse because she now maybe someday soon might be willing to talk to me as long as it's not about the issue we had. She doesn't want to argue, that's my guess. I have to guess, because she won't talk to me about it. She won't acknowledge the apology letter I sent. Which only makes the situation worse and pushes us further apart than we already are.

She claims what happened (which we haven't even had a chance to sit down and talk about - and believe me, there are at least two versions of it) has changed her feelings for me.

I think it has revealed how new our 7 year relationship is, how untested, virginal and fairy tale it is. If she doesn't want to take the time or energy to talk to me, I figure, she's just not that into me.

Or it may be something else. If you don't want to talk further about a conflict you had with someone you are supposedly close to, it could be for many reasons.

Perhaps there's little depth in the relationship, and you aren't willing to take it any further. Maybe you're afraid to risk the relationship's ability to withstand a disagreement. It might be you really don't like the person that much and this is a good excuse to dive. Or you maybe thought the other person was perfect and the conflict shocked you into seeing their flaws. Or worse -- you hoped they thought that you were perfect and you're afraid they'll point out your flaws. The reasons for avoiding conflict with someone are complex - sometimes even the avoider doesn't know why (I speak from my own experience).

But...conflicts and disappointments can be used as stepping stones to a better relationship instead of bitter endings. Arguing with a mother in law doesn't have to be a bad thing. If I could talk to my DIL about this, I would love to share my thoughts.

The message I am getting from her (which may not be the message she means to send) is that she does not wish to have a relationship with me of any depth.

I've seen her argue with many people - of course, I couldn't understand the content of the arguments because I don't speak her native language, but you can understand tones of speech and body language. In addition, she's told me about arguments in a very heated and passionate way, on issues large and small, and usually very personal to her. I want to ask her - "What, I'm not good enough, I'm not family?"

In my own family of origin, arguing was not allowed. If you had a disagreement with a family superior member, you got sent to your room. You didn't talk back. Consequently, my family of origin was not very close. And I know that's why I feel this is a punishment, when that might not be what she means at all. But in my therapy educated opinion... having disagreements with others is one way we become closer to others.

This is something I learned the expensive way, and then the hard way, first through group therapy and then with run ins with friends. The former way was frightening, but it laid the groundwork for the latter, in which I messed up often since I used to think arguments with loved ones were some kind of death to the relationship. But I have come to find that the opposite is often true. It's through these less than perfect mess ups with each other, if tended to rather than left to rot and fester, that we can become closer.

My DIL, I am sure, is not remaining silent on this issue. I know her, and unless she's had a radical personality change, then like me, she's talked to the very people she does have arguments and conflict with about this. I feel left out. I would like to talk to her about it, too.

My son assures me I'm still welcome in their home, as long as I don't bring up this issue. The real issue, to me, is that I feel as though my DIL doesn't care enough about me to talk to me about this. I don't mean to beat the proverbial dead horse -- the horse hasn't even been let out of the stall, in fact, I think she's looking at one horse and I'm looking at another. What I'm hearing is that we aren't supposed to even mention there ever was a horse, just pretend everything is fine, though our relationship is breaking down.

So, no -- I wouldn't feel welcome in their house under those conditions. Before, I wasn't walking on eggshells. Now, I wonder - if she won't talk to me about this, what other things have gone, or will go unspoken? In the back of my mind, I'll be wondering what she thinks I said, what she thinks I meant. I'll wonder what her family and friends think - I am suddenly the evil Mother In Law, intrusive and controlling, when that wasn't my intent at all. She's making assumptions about me, I'm sure I'm making assumptions about her. We are talking about each other to anyone but each other. What do I know? I just know, whatever the surface "welcome" is, I don't feel at all welcome under those conditions. And so I told my son, I cannot visit like this.

Arguing with a Mother in Law isn't all bad because you can put things out there, look at them, talk about them and see if you're even talking about the same things. You still might not agree, but at least you've "aired" your differences.

As it stands now, we are both feeling hurt and wounded. I am welcome and yet I am not. My feeling is I've been judged and then sent to my room for something I'm not clear on, at best treated like a child, at worst treated like a non family member. She may feel the same. I have no idea and my apology, meant to open a door to communication, has been ignored.

Arguing - disagreeing -- with a member of your family is not always a bad thing.It's a lot better than silence. It just needs to be done with some caring and openness, which of course is easier said than done.

Long Distance Mother In Lawing

Being a Long Distance Mother in Law might be seen as something that could be a plus to making the Mother in Law relationship a bit less stressful for all. But, you know, there are disadvantages too.

I have one set of in-laws (guess what-- my sons and their wives are my in-laws too!) who live 50 miles away - and another who live 3,914 miles away.

In both cases, you won't find me "dropping in" - a plus there. My mother once "dropped in" on my husband and myself while we were in the shower together..not just showering... so I know how nice it is not to have an in-law (or parent) just drop in.

For my long long distance family, though, this means visits have to be planned and budgeted, and when I come for a visit, they are stuck with me for long periods of time. Neither have seemed to mind - my daughter in law is Turkish and she seems to enjoy having family around for long periods of time -- her parents have stayed for 3 months, while I usually only stay for a week or two.

Still... you know what they say - "after 3 days, fish and visitors stink". And despite what we new in laws think, that applies to us, too.

The other disadvantage of long distance in-lawing that comes to me is the inability to resolve issues - especially if one party is not talking to another. You can't arrange a tea to talk, you can't 'run into' someone at a common place -- the distance becomes distance.

You'd think the internet and Skype would help - and in some cases, perhaps they do. But there is nothing like a face to face sit down to resolve a conflict, even if that were to mean it started out with a good yelling fit first.

In my particular case, nothing is helping so I'm to the point where I'm losing any concern about writing things down in here -- one of the other things I'm learning about being a mother in law is that one's own children don't really have the time to read what you're writing. Nor do they care. And I'm not being sarcastic or full of pity here. I'm finding this somewhat humbling, and somewhat amusing.

My kids (and by that I include my DIL's) just don't have time. They have their own lives. This could go down in the Lessons for Mother in Laws which I'm slowly accumulating. This isn't something personal, they are just busy busy busy... as I was at their age.

Evidently this is the real reason holidays started (before Hallmark and others realized how profitable they were). Holidays are a way to force families to make time for each other. Although, I can already assure you there will be more writings in the coming holidays about Mother in Laws and holidays -- especially since modern families can have as many as 4 Mother In Laws, perhaps more, in one family. What a scene -- not a Norman Rockwell moment, and one I'm glad I missed out on.

In any case -- long distance, while a plus to the DIL or SIL who cannot stand the in-laws, is a disadvantage for a MIL who wants to resolve a family conflict.

At this moment, ours has gone from bad to worse.

Our conflict started the week-end of July 11th during a stateside visit for a funeral. My bad for the way I handled something, though I believe it was a relatively minor event that has gotten blown up and escalated for reasons I'm not entirely clear on.

It's not been a month but to me it feels like it's been years. My DIL is not speaking to me so I wrote a letter of apology. I'd told my son I would do that - though I don't believe what I actually did was wrong, the way I presented it to her, the timing, was very wrong and put her in an awkward situation. So I wrote and told her I loved her and apologized for that and didn't go into why I'd said what I did, or argue dead points.

I'd told my son, too, that he and I don't need to talk about this -- she would feel like we were ganging up on her - she's his wife, and this is between she and I...it seemed like something she and I (who have known each other, though not as well as I'd like, for nearly 8 years with never a problem) could work out - that it could even have brought us together as we worked through this, by talking about it.

But there's been no reply.

It may be that she's just busy - she has other things in her life, and this may not seem as big to her now as it does to me. Or she's still angry. Or this is a build up from those visits of two weeks long visits and the way I did this or that really irritated her. Or she has a specific time set for this -- a month, perhaps two, of silent punishment. I'm not certain.

Mind you, I'm not expecting a reply of acceptance and some sweet and happy ending. What I was expecting was some acknowledgement that my message was heard -- even if the reply was "and I don't want to talk about it now", that would be a reply.

Silence is a cold shoulder. Silence is rude. I'm somewhat stunned by it. What has happened now is that the problem is escalating and taking on a life of its own. Because I love my son and grandson, because I value their happiness and support their family, there will be no vindictive or hateful contra punishments. But there's a natural reaction I just can't help.

I blame much of this on the long distance. The mistake I made was in not talking directly to her about something that concerned me when it happened, and I did not do it because we live so far apart, I waited until we were together again in a short period of time. That's due to the long distance.

The long distance means I have to sit and wait, it means not even an invitation to tea can be made or turned down. As I wait , my own feelings build up and as I said to a friend today, the silence at the other end now added to whatever my DIL thinks I did to her is creating even more of another kind of distance. We will have a lot of work to do to rebuild this, because the small wound - or perhaps large to her, I do not know for sure -- is growing. It surely isn't healing. Still, there is nothing I can do further - I can only sit and wait.

Thankfully, there are books out about Mother in laws --they give me something to read, something to lean on. I've got little reviews of them up on my Mother In Law Training page. They don't give me any solutions to this, but I am learning a lot about being a Mother in Law from them. Which of course is all my training page is about ... me... being trained as a mother in law through the things I do...and the things I read. (I'm the first in my little group to be a mother in law.. lucky me...)

It did sneak up on me, this MIL stuff...it was a piece of cake, I really was unaware of the power and danger that can be there until this happened...because of this mishap with my DIL, suddenly I woke up and realized I'm a MIL...