Arguing with a Mother In Law isn't All Bad

I'm not kidding. The current situation with my DIL #1 is getting worse because she now maybe someday soon might be willing to talk to me as long as it's not about the issue we had. She doesn't want to argue, that's my guess. I have to guess, because she won't talk to me about it. She won't acknowledge the apology letter I sent. Which only makes the situation worse and pushes us further apart than we already are.

She claims what happened (which we haven't even had a chance to sit down and talk about - and believe me, there are at least two versions of it) has changed her feelings for me.

I think it has revealed how new our 7 year relationship is, how untested, virginal and fairy tale it is. If she doesn't want to take the time or energy to talk to me, I figure, she's just not that into me.

Or it may be something else. If you don't want to talk further about a conflict you had with someone you are supposedly close to, it could be for many reasons.

Perhaps there's little depth in the relationship, and you aren't willing to take it any further. Maybe you're afraid to risk the relationship's ability to withstand a disagreement. It might be you really don't like the person that much and this is a good excuse to dive. Or you maybe thought the other person was perfect and the conflict shocked you into seeing their flaws. Or worse -- you hoped they thought that you were perfect and you're afraid they'll point out your flaws. The reasons for avoiding conflict with someone are complex - sometimes even the avoider doesn't know why (I speak from my own experience).

But...conflicts and disappointments can be used as stepping stones to a better relationship instead of bitter endings. Arguing with a mother in law doesn't have to be a bad thing. If I could talk to my DIL about this, I would love to share my thoughts.

The message I am getting from her (which may not be the message she means to send) is that she does not wish to have a relationship with me of any depth.

I've seen her argue with many people - of course, I couldn't understand the content of the arguments because I don't speak her native language, but you can understand tones of speech and body language. In addition, she's told me about arguments in a very heated and passionate way, on issues large and small, and usually very personal to her. I want to ask her - "What, I'm not good enough, I'm not family?"

In my own family of origin, arguing was not allowed. If you had a disagreement with a family superior member, you got sent to your room. You didn't talk back. Consequently, my family of origin was not very close. And I know that's why I feel this is a punishment, when that might not be what she means at all. But in my therapy educated opinion... having disagreements with others is one way we become closer to others.

This is something I learned the expensive way, and then the hard way, first through group therapy and then with run ins with friends. The former way was frightening, but it laid the groundwork for the latter, in which I messed up often since I used to think arguments with loved ones were some kind of death to the relationship. But I have come to find that the opposite is often true. It's through these less than perfect mess ups with each other, if tended to rather than left to rot and fester, that we can become closer.

My DIL, I am sure, is not remaining silent on this issue. I know her, and unless she's had a radical personality change, then like me, she's talked to the very people she does have arguments and conflict with about this. I feel left out. I would like to talk to her about it, too.

My son assures me I'm still welcome in their home, as long as I don't bring up this issue. The real issue, to me, is that I feel as though my DIL doesn't care enough about me to talk to me about this. I don't mean to beat the proverbial dead horse -- the horse hasn't even been let out of the stall, in fact, I think she's looking at one horse and I'm looking at another. What I'm hearing is that we aren't supposed to even mention there ever was a horse, just pretend everything is fine, though our relationship is breaking down.

So, no -- I wouldn't feel welcome in their house under those conditions. Before, I wasn't walking on eggshells. Now, I wonder - if she won't talk to me about this, what other things have gone, or will go unspoken? In the back of my mind, I'll be wondering what she thinks I said, what she thinks I meant. I'll wonder what her family and friends think - I am suddenly the evil Mother In Law, intrusive and controlling, when that wasn't my intent at all. She's making assumptions about me, I'm sure I'm making assumptions about her. We are talking about each other to anyone but each other. What do I know? I just know, whatever the surface "welcome" is, I don't feel at all welcome under those conditions. And so I told my son, I cannot visit like this.

Arguing with a Mother in Law isn't all bad because you can put things out there, look at them, talk about them and see if you're even talking about the same things. You still might not agree, but at least you've "aired" your differences.

As it stands now, we are both feeling hurt and wounded. I am welcome and yet I am not. My feeling is I've been judged and then sent to my room for something I'm not clear on, at best treated like a child, at worst treated like a non family member. She may feel the same. I have no idea and my apology, meant to open a door to communication, has been ignored.

Arguing - disagreeing -- with a member of your family is not always a bad thing.It's a lot better than silence. It just needs to be done with some caring and openness, which of course is easier said than done.