Winning the Prize

DIL card by Nana's Alley

I keep seeing comments where a MIL may say a DIL took away her son, or a DIL says her MIL is angry at her because "I took away her son". On both parts, I think this is an unfortunate way to look at the relationships involved. The son becomes an inanimate prized possession - the two women become competitors, rather than two people sharing the love of the same man, who can still be loved, though not owned, by two women.

My mind flies around, looking for an old Kahil Gibran quote, which both women would do well to remember , especially if the DIL has any children of her own -- something along the lines of "Your children are not your children, They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you."

And then my mind wanders to King Solomon and the two women who are claiming ownership of a baby -- you know the story. It's the one who is willing to give him up who is recognized as the true mother. That's what we MIL's are -- we're the mothers, and we're giving up our children -- difficult though it might be. But that doesn't mean we're giving up ownership of one person to another, or giving up our position as our child's mother or relinquishing our love.

It should simply mean we're done with parenting, and welcoming our son's or daughter's new spouse into our family, and recognizing that our child is also part of their family, and that they also have a family of their own. We need to be the one who understands the bigger picture, that this is a good thing, and that love is not a competition with winners and losers.

For those who aren't aware, our children leave several times during our relationship with them. The first time, I think, is when they take that first step of independence. Of course they come back again, but parenting really is about raising children and getting them reading to leave us. If we really thought about that, maybe we wouldn't so willingly give our hearts to our babies - but this is what all creatures do. We make babies, we love them, we raise them and we let them go.

Would that it were that simple, of course. For them or for us. They come back, we let them. They need help, we give it. Eventually, though, they are on their own. This can happen at 18 or somewhere in their 30's, when they and we finally let go. They may be the ones who find it most difficult, or it may be us. But if we are healthy, eventually, we are done with our parenting role with each child.

And so, regardless of who is saying it - parent, child, daughter-in-law, son-in-law, it seems revealing when someone says they "took away" someone. The person who got "taken away" is the passive prize, the one who "took" them, the "winner", the other one the loser. No wonder, with this attitude, there is friction between a mother-in-law and daughter-or son-in-law.

Someone needs to remind them, this isn't a competition, or shouldn't be. There should be enough love to go around..

Wouldn't it be nice if the view of a marriage - by the parents of bride and groom, by the new husband and wife too - would be an expansion of the family, not a loss to someone, not a win-lose situation?

Perhaps the in-laws could start it off by letting their offsprings new spouse know "In my view, you aren't taking my son away, you're expanding the family. Welcome to ours, I hope we're welcome to yours..."

The prize should be a larger, healthier family.