What's in a Name?

I've said that "mother in law" is just a title - as is "daughter in law". Just a simple, legalistic descriptive term that tells you the relationship of a woman to her children's spouses or a daughter to her husband's mother.

But as the relationship between my two sons' wives develop, I begin to question that. My first DIL and I now have a less than friendly relationship - civil, I suppose. As she said, it will never be the same. She seems to have no awareness that it could be the same, better, if she were willing to talk with me - not about the "incident" but about what is going on between us. She doesn't want to, it isn't her style and so our relationship erodes. It will be civil. I feel sad, but more accepting than I've been before.

However, I find myself referring to her as "my son's wife" rather than "my daughter in law". And I don't really want to be described by her as her mother in law. Those titles, at least to me, aren't impersonal and descriptive. They are the indication of a personal relationship, a connection between two people, a connection that - at least for now - isn't there. I suppose that means I've emotionally divorced myself from her, I feel disconnected.

But in referring to the wives of my sons, I find myself saying (when not referring to them by name) that one is "my son's wife", while the other is "my daughter in law".
=====
March 31, 2014 - in retrospect, I do not like this attitude of mine here.

Happy Birthing Day...

So, here it is, the 18th birthday of my youngest son - the only one not yet married. Though of course this is his day, I do find it amusing that on the birthday of anyone, our mothers are set aside, though they were the ones who carried us for 9 months and labored us into the world.

That, I suppose, is what Mother's Day is supposed to make up for. Still, on any one of my own sons' birthdays, I find myself remembering little bits of the day of delivery -- I don't mention it to them, but their birthday is the one day that still connects me to them, at least in my mind.

I find my recent experience - the one wherein I came to realize, I'm a Mother-in-Law, (shudder) has made me somewhat wiser but cynical about being a mother, as well as a mother in law. As I watch my youngest become an adult, I start to think, "why bother?" and "what's the point?"

His girlfriend (also 18) and I are on fairly good terms. But now, with the vast smarts cast upon me by visiting countless MIL hater websites and reading posts by DIL's, reflecting on my own minor wounds and happenings with my own DIL's (not to mention the major blow up with DIL #1), I raise one eyebrow as I view my son's GF and think -- mmm hmmm... it's just a matter of time.

What kind of an attitude is that, I ask only half laughing at myself!

Oh, probably realistic.

This all seems to me somewhat unrelated to being a MIL and DIL -- it's just what happens when our children grow up, leave home and marry. Or marry, leave home and grow up. In whatever order they do it. The key words though, are not "marry" or "grow up". It's "leave home" -- read "leave us".

It's what they are supposed to do, but it is difficult to accept. And we really are now just backdrop in their lives. It could be far worse, if we were some other species. I'm too lazy to do the research, but I wonder what happens in the animal kingdom when offspring grow up and have their own families. Do apes and gorillas invite their parents over every week-end? Do chimpanzee MIL's and DIL's fight? Maybe so, or maybe we can still argue we're not apes, gorillas, chimpanzees.

Still -- I do not like this feeling, I will admit it, that I am no longer a part of my married sons' lives except as needed for money, childcare, or obligatory visits on holidays. But there isn't really much I can do about it. And right now, I am struggling not to take this sad awareness out on my youngest son and his girlfriend/future fiancee -- at the moment I feel prone to snarl and snap at whoever she may be, to turn into the MIL from hell proclaiming, "Don't think you're gonna get rid of me that easy, Missy."

So, maybe now I'm coming to realize from whence the stereotypical MIL is born.

Winning the Prize

DIL card by Nana's Alley

I keep seeing comments where a MIL may say a DIL took away her son, or a DIL says her MIL is angry at her because "I took away her son". On both parts, I think this is an unfortunate way to look at the relationships involved. The son becomes an inanimate prized possession - the two women become competitors, rather than two people sharing the love of the same man, who can still be loved, though not owned, by two women.

My mind flies around, looking for an old Kahil Gibran quote, which both women would do well to remember , especially if the DIL has any children of her own -- something along the lines of "Your children are not your children, They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you."

And then my mind wanders to King Solomon and the two women who are claiming ownership of a baby -- you know the story. It's the one who is willing to give him up who is recognized as the true mother. That's what we MIL's are -- we're the mothers, and we're giving up our children -- difficult though it might be. But that doesn't mean we're giving up ownership of one person to another, or giving up our position as our child's mother or relinquishing our love.

It should simply mean we're done with parenting, and welcoming our son's or daughter's new spouse into our family, and recognizing that our child is also part of their family, and that they also have a family of their own. We need to be the one who understands the bigger picture, that this is a good thing, and that love is not a competition with winners and losers.

For those who aren't aware, our children leave several times during our relationship with them. The first time, I think, is when they take that first step of independence. Of course they come back again, but parenting really is about raising children and getting them reading to leave us. If we really thought about that, maybe we wouldn't so willingly give our hearts to our babies - but this is what all creatures do. We make babies, we love them, we raise them and we let them go.

Would that it were that simple, of course. For them or for us. They come back, we let them. They need help, we give it. Eventually, though, they are on their own. This can happen at 18 or somewhere in their 30's, when they and we finally let go. They may be the ones who find it most difficult, or it may be us. But if we are healthy, eventually, we are done with our parenting role with each child.

And so, regardless of who is saying it - parent, child, daughter-in-law, son-in-law, it seems revealing when someone says they "took away" someone. The person who got "taken away" is the passive prize, the one who "took" them, the "winner", the other one the loser. No wonder, with this attitude, there is friction between a mother-in-law and daughter-or son-in-law.

Someone needs to remind them, this isn't a competition, or shouldn't be. There should be enough love to go around..

Wouldn't it be nice if the view of a marriage - by the parents of bride and groom, by the new husband and wife too - would be an expansion of the family, not a loss to someone, not a win-lose situation?

Perhaps the in-laws could start it off by letting their offsprings new spouse know "In my view, you aren't taking my son away, you're expanding the family. Welcome to ours, I hope we're welcome to yours..."

The prize should be a larger, healthier family.

Memories of Mother In Law Stuff

When I was first married, my husband was more worried about what his mother thought of me than I was! I remember him watching me cut the lettuce for a salad, and telling me that his mother always tore her lettuce (she wasn't coming for dinner or anything). I also had real short hair and a little "fall" I wanted to wear, to make my hair look long. He told me disapprovingly that his mother would never go for that kind of fake look.

(I will bite my tongue here from making any comments about his second wife - who was beautiful but.....bite bite bite)

My second husband when watching me tear the lettuce as I had now become accustomed to do said, "What are you doing? My mother doesn't do that - you're supposed to cut it."

So, some of the problems DIL's have with their mother in laws may be fed to them from their husbands, without the MIL's even knowing or caring!