Winning the Prize

DIL card by Nana's Alley

I keep seeing comments where a MIL may say a DIL took away her son, or a DIL says her MIL is angry at her because "I took away her son". On both parts, I think this is an unfortunate way to look at the relationships involved. The son becomes an inanimate prized possession - the two women become competitors, rather than two people sharing the love of the same man, who can still be loved, though not owned, by two women.

My mind flies around, looking for an old Kahil Gibran quote, which both women would do well to remember , especially if the DIL has any children of her own -- something along the lines of "Your children are not your children, They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you."

And then my mind wanders to King Solomon and the two women who are claiming ownership of a baby -- you know the story. It's the one who is willing to give him up who is recognized as the true mother. That's what we MIL's are -- we're the mothers, and we're giving up our children -- difficult though it might be. But that doesn't mean we're giving up ownership of one person to another, or giving up our position as our child's mother or relinquishing our love.

It should simply mean we're done with parenting, and welcoming our son's or daughter's new spouse into our family, and recognizing that our child is also part of their family, and that they also have a family of their own. We need to be the one who understands the bigger picture, that this is a good thing, and that love is not a competition with winners and losers.

For those who aren't aware, our children leave several times during our relationship with them. The first time, I think, is when they take that first step of independence. Of course they come back again, but parenting really is about raising children and getting them reading to leave us. If we really thought about that, maybe we wouldn't so willingly give our hearts to our babies - but this is what all creatures do. We make babies, we love them, we raise them and we let them go.

Would that it were that simple, of course. For them or for us. They come back, we let them. They need help, we give it. Eventually, though, they are on their own. This can happen at 18 or somewhere in their 30's, when they and we finally let go. They may be the ones who find it most difficult, or it may be us. But if we are healthy, eventually, we are done with our parenting role with each child.

And so, regardless of who is saying it - parent, child, daughter-in-law, son-in-law, it seems revealing when someone says they "took away" someone. The person who got "taken away" is the passive prize, the one who "took" them, the "winner", the other one the loser. No wonder, with this attitude, there is friction between a mother-in-law and daughter-or son-in-law.

Someone needs to remind them, this isn't a competition, or shouldn't be. There should be enough love to go around..

Wouldn't it be nice if the view of a marriage - by the parents of bride and groom, by the new husband and wife too - would be an expansion of the family, not a loss to someone, not a win-lose situation?

Perhaps the in-laws could start it off by letting their offsprings new spouse know "In my view, you aren't taking my son away, you're expanding the family. Welcome to ours, I hope we're welcome to yours..."

The prize should be a larger, healthier family.

God help me, I'm a Mother in Law...

This is a realization that just came to me after an incident with one of my DIL's. The specifics aren't important, and to share them only add fuel to the fire I think (though I may change my mind on that later). But the interaction was one that apparently shifted me from good to evil, despite 8 years of knowing when to step aside and mind my tongue.

I've been a MIL longer than I was a DIL but my own MIL's were so wonderful, I thought this was an easy gig. After 8 years of being a long distance MIL, I'm finding it isn't so easy. And there are no guidelines passed down from generation to generation.

There's common sense mixed in with personal issues. Being a MIL isn't something most of us signed up for, but the majority of us do the best we can.

We get pummeled by our own human error and frailties, mixed in with the stereotypes, bad jokes (only to the MIL you note, never to the FIL) and out and out hatred in some cases of Mother in Laws. And not just someone's particular MIL, but ALL Mother in Laws.

I signed up to be a mother, and was thrilled to be a grandmother. I was even eager to be my sons' wives loving mother in law.

I just wasn't signed up to be tagged as an evil, controlling bitch aka a MOTHER IN LAW.

We all know the rules and we learn to follow them.

Don't give advice you're not asked to give (and even then, be cautious and careful, making sure you're clear it's only your opinion).

Call before coming, don't show up univited.

Stay away from offering negative opinions on their child-rearing and their finances,though it's fine to offer positive opinions on all of that.

Don't compare what they are doing with how you used to do it, or how you would do it, or how it 'should be done'.

When visiting, do things their way, not yours.

Remember that what you say to your SIL or DIL may be taken differently from how it is offered -- you may just be offering a memory or an opinion, but because you are THE MOTHER IN LAW, it may be received as a direct order, a criticism, a judgement call...

But there is this grey area to me. In my mind, I do believe the family does have a partial role in the health of the marriage. I didn't have that in my marriage, and though perhaps that would have made no difference, I have to wonder.

When I went to my first son's wedding, which included a huge Middle Eastern extended family, I realized that the family is a part of the marriage. When I thought about the effects a divorce would have on the relationships of our family to hers, again I thought, this marriage is more than just between two people - it is the marriage of two families. This is marriage the old fashioned way, with some traditional and religious connections. And I like it -- though many parts of a marriage are a private affair, the overall picture is not -- the health and support of a marriage is a job of more than just the couple -- it requires the help of the community and the family. I don't find that intrusive, as long as you aren't meddling in someone's bedroom and private affairs. But of course, if you are considering leaving a marriage and there are people stepping in to ask you to think about it, you would consider that intrusive.

Some things are not easy. Leaving a marriage, stopping abusing your spouse or child, giving up drugs, hiding an affair... none of those are easy. I'm not digressing, really.

What does a Mother in Law do if she thinks she senses trouble in the marriage, unhappiness in her DIL? What if she sees abuse - verbal or physical - of a spouse, a child, or of the person themself, shouldn't she say something? What about drug or alcohol abuse?

Does she say something, ever and risk being called intrusive, nosy, wrong? Or does she wait and three years from now when they announce they're getting a divorce, say, "You know, I thought there was something happening, maybe I should have said something?"

And if she should have said something, what should she have said? And to whom? And what? and How? And if she was wrong, is there room for forgiveness?