On the bright side

All of this ... conflict, unresolved though it may be.... has been helpful. It made me stop and think about what it means to be a Mother in Law... and what it doesn't mean.

I came across some interesting posts that are somewhat related, more about the new state of grandparents in America these days. In my mind, being a mother in law and a grandmother are tied together. I mean, you can be a grandmother without being a mother in law... and you can be a mother in law without being a grandmother. But in my mind, or my life, they are somewhat intertwined.

Let me try and unthread the two. If I'm only a mother in law, if there are no children involved, that would make life somewhat simpler in defining my role. There would be little place for me -- Mother In Law would just be the title for describing or introducing me to others. It only defines how I am related to my children's spouses. Simple. I do wish the definition went further than just saying that -- it should have rules with it to.

Mother In Law -- n. the female parent of a spouse. v. One who minds her own business.

Add to that the grandmother title, and you're adding more of a function. Most of the posts I saw were commenting on the "fact" that grandparents these days are different from grandparents of days gone by because they have more to do with taking care of their grandchildren. They are called upon as childcare because both of the parents work, or because there's a divorce and one of the parents needs help or has moved back home. Or they may have taken over child care because of drug or alcohol problems with the grandchildren's parents.

This doesn't sound like anything new to me -- grandparents if they so wish and are asked have always been available to help with the grandkids. The difference from my view is that many of us are choosing not to be supplemental parents.

The grandparenting issue is one that can cause problems with a Mother In Law, where there were no problems before... or exacerbate existing problems. It can be a problem for a MIL who wants to offer feedback on how to raise kids -- worse if she's one who wants to "tell" how it should be done. (Key advise -- unless your grandchildren are being abused, stay out of the child-rearing wisdom).

It can also be a problem if the MIL doesn't want to be a babysitter -- or if that's the only time she's contacted. Some of us have been parenting for a long time (myself - it will be 42 years of parenting done when my youngest graduates from high school). We at least need a break before and if we continue on babysitting (because we shouldn't be parenting). Some of us may have things we want to do that we've put off - and we may be realizing we have limited times. Other MIL's may be young enough to still be working and have their own lives.

In any case, I'm thankful in some ways for the silence I'm receiving because it's making me reflect on many things I might have not examined. I was pretty much trundling along, thinking I was doing what needed to be done. More later on what a DIL perhaps needs to say to her MIL, rather than making assumptions. We cannot read your minds.

Long Distance Mother In Lawing

Being a Long Distance Mother in Law might be seen as something that could be a plus to making the Mother in Law relationship a bit less stressful for all. But, you know, there are disadvantages too.

I have one set of in-laws (guess what-- my sons and their wives are my in-laws too!) who live 50 miles away - and another who live 3,914 miles away.

In both cases, you won't find me "dropping in" - a plus there. My mother once "dropped in" on my husband and myself while we were in the shower together..not just showering... so I know how nice it is not to have an in-law (or parent) just drop in.

For my long long distance family, though, this means visits have to be planned and budgeted, and when I come for a visit, they are stuck with me for long periods of time. Neither have seemed to mind - my daughter in law is Turkish and she seems to enjoy having family around for long periods of time -- her parents have stayed for 3 months, while I usually only stay for a week or two.

Still... you know what they say - "after 3 days, fish and visitors stink". And despite what we new in laws think, that applies to us, too.

The other disadvantage of long distance in-lawing that comes to me is the inability to resolve issues - especially if one party is not talking to another. You can't arrange a tea to talk, you can't 'run into' someone at a common place -- the distance becomes distance.

You'd think the internet and Skype would help - and in some cases, perhaps they do. But there is nothing like a face to face sit down to resolve a conflict, even if that were to mean it started out with a good yelling fit first.

In my particular case, nothing is helping so I'm to the point where I'm losing any concern about writing things down in here -- one of the other things I'm learning about being a mother in law is that one's own children don't really have the time to read what you're writing. Nor do they care. And I'm not being sarcastic or full of pity here. I'm finding this somewhat humbling, and somewhat amusing.

My kids (and by that I include my DIL's) just don't have time. They have their own lives. This could go down in the Lessons for Mother in Laws which I'm slowly accumulating. This isn't something personal, they are just busy busy busy... as I was at their age.

Evidently this is the real reason holidays started (before Hallmark and others realized how profitable they were). Holidays are a way to force families to make time for each other. Although, I can already assure you there will be more writings in the coming holidays about Mother in Laws and holidays -- especially since modern families can have as many as 4 Mother In Laws, perhaps more, in one family. What a scene -- not a Norman Rockwell moment, and one I'm glad I missed out on.

In any case -- long distance, while a plus to the DIL or SIL who cannot stand the in-laws, is a disadvantage for a MIL who wants to resolve a family conflict.

At this moment, ours has gone from bad to worse.

Our conflict started the week-end of July 11th during a stateside visit for a funeral. My bad for the way I handled something, though I believe it was a relatively minor event that has gotten blown up and escalated for reasons I'm not entirely clear on.

It's not been a month but to me it feels like it's been years. My DIL is not speaking to me so I wrote a letter of apology. I'd told my son I would do that - though I don't believe what I actually did was wrong, the way I presented it to her, the timing, was very wrong and put her in an awkward situation. So I wrote and told her I loved her and apologized for that and didn't go into why I'd said what I did, or argue dead points.

I'd told my son, too, that he and I don't need to talk about this -- she would feel like we were ganging up on her - she's his wife, and this is between she and I...it seemed like something she and I (who have known each other, though not as well as I'd like, for nearly 8 years with never a problem) could work out - that it could even have brought us together as we worked through this, by talking about it.

But there's been no reply.

It may be that she's just busy - she has other things in her life, and this may not seem as big to her now as it does to me. Or she's still angry. Or this is a build up from those visits of two weeks long visits and the way I did this or that really irritated her. Or she has a specific time set for this -- a month, perhaps two, of silent punishment. I'm not certain.

Mind you, I'm not expecting a reply of acceptance and some sweet and happy ending. What I was expecting was some acknowledgement that my message was heard -- even if the reply was "and I don't want to talk about it now", that would be a reply.

Silence is a cold shoulder. Silence is rude. I'm somewhat stunned by it. What has happened now is that the problem is escalating and taking on a life of its own. Because I love my son and grandson, because I value their happiness and support their family, there will be no vindictive or hateful contra punishments. But there's a natural reaction I just can't help.

I blame much of this on the long distance. The mistake I made was in not talking directly to her about something that concerned me when it happened, and I did not do it because we live so far apart, I waited until we were together again in a short period of time. That's due to the long distance.

The long distance means I have to sit and wait, it means not even an invitation to tea can be made or turned down. As I wait , my own feelings build up and as I said to a friend today, the silence at the other end now added to whatever my DIL thinks I did to her is creating even more of another kind of distance. We will have a lot of work to do to rebuild this, because the small wound - or perhaps large to her, I do not know for sure -- is growing. It surely isn't healing. Still, there is nothing I can do further - I can only sit and wait.

Thankfully, there are books out about Mother in laws --they give me something to read, something to lean on. I've got little reviews of them up on my Mother In Law Training page. They don't give me any solutions to this, but I am learning a lot about being a Mother in Law from them. Which of course is all my training page is about ... me... being trained as a mother in law through the things I do...and the things I read. (I'm the first in my little group to be a mother in law.. lucky me...)

It did sneak up on me, this MIL stuff...it was a piece of cake, I really was unaware of the power and danger that can be there until this happened...because of this mishap with my DIL, suddenly I woke up and realized I'm a MIL...

God help me, I'm a Mother in Law...

This is a realization that just came to me after an incident with one of my DIL's. The specifics aren't important, and to share them only add fuel to the fire I think (though I may change my mind on that later). But the interaction was one that apparently shifted me from good to evil, despite 8 years of knowing when to step aside and mind my tongue.

I've been a MIL longer than I was a DIL but my own MIL's were so wonderful, I thought this was an easy gig. After 8 years of being a long distance MIL, I'm finding it isn't so easy. And there are no guidelines passed down from generation to generation.

There's common sense mixed in with personal issues. Being a MIL isn't something most of us signed up for, but the majority of us do the best we can.

We get pummeled by our own human error and frailties, mixed in with the stereotypes, bad jokes (only to the MIL you note, never to the FIL) and out and out hatred in some cases of Mother in Laws. And not just someone's particular MIL, but ALL Mother in Laws.

I signed up to be a mother, and was thrilled to be a grandmother. I was even eager to be my sons' wives loving mother in law.

I just wasn't signed up to be tagged as an evil, controlling bitch aka a MOTHER IN LAW.

We all know the rules and we learn to follow them.

Don't give advice you're not asked to give (and even then, be cautious and careful, making sure you're clear it's only your opinion).

Call before coming, don't show up univited.

Stay away from offering negative opinions on their child-rearing and their finances,though it's fine to offer positive opinions on all of that.

Don't compare what they are doing with how you used to do it, or how you would do it, or how it 'should be done'.

When visiting, do things their way, not yours.

Remember that what you say to your SIL or DIL may be taken differently from how it is offered -- you may just be offering a memory or an opinion, but because you are THE MOTHER IN LAW, it may be received as a direct order, a criticism, a judgement call...

But there is this grey area to me. In my mind, I do believe the family does have a partial role in the health of the marriage. I didn't have that in my marriage, and though perhaps that would have made no difference, I have to wonder.

When I went to my first son's wedding, which included a huge Middle Eastern extended family, I realized that the family is a part of the marriage. When I thought about the effects a divorce would have on the relationships of our family to hers, again I thought, this marriage is more than just between two people - it is the marriage of two families. This is marriage the old fashioned way, with some traditional and religious connections. And I like it -- though many parts of a marriage are a private affair, the overall picture is not -- the health and support of a marriage is a job of more than just the couple -- it requires the help of the community and the family. I don't find that intrusive, as long as you aren't meddling in someone's bedroom and private affairs. But of course, if you are considering leaving a marriage and there are people stepping in to ask you to think about it, you would consider that intrusive.

Some things are not easy. Leaving a marriage, stopping abusing your spouse or child, giving up drugs, hiding an affair... none of those are easy. I'm not digressing, really.

What does a Mother in Law do if she thinks she senses trouble in the marriage, unhappiness in her DIL? What if she sees abuse - verbal or physical - of a spouse, a child, or of the person themself, shouldn't she say something? What about drug or alcohol abuse?

Does she say something, ever and risk being called intrusive, nosy, wrong? Or does she wait and three years from now when they announce they're getting a divorce, say, "You know, I thought there was something happening, maybe I should have said something?"

And if she should have said something, what should she have said? And to whom? And what? and How? And if she was wrong, is there room for forgiveness?