On the bright side

All of this ... conflict, unresolved though it may be.... has been helpful. It made me stop and think about what it means to be a Mother in Law... and what it doesn't mean.

I came across some interesting posts that are somewhat related, more about the new state of grandparents in America these days. In my mind, being a mother in law and a grandmother are tied together. I mean, you can be a grandmother without being a mother in law... and you can be a mother in law without being a grandmother. But in my mind, or my life, they are somewhat intertwined.

Let me try and unthread the two. If I'm only a mother in law, if there are no children involved, that would make life somewhat simpler in defining my role. There would be little place for me -- Mother In Law would just be the title for describing or introducing me to others. It only defines how I am related to my children's spouses. Simple. I do wish the definition went further than just saying that -- it should have rules with it to.

Mother In Law -- n. the female parent of a spouse. v. One who minds her own business.

Add to that the grandmother title, and you're adding more of a function. Most of the posts I saw were commenting on the "fact" that grandparents these days are different from grandparents of days gone by because they have more to do with taking care of their grandchildren. They are called upon as childcare because both of the parents work, or because there's a divorce and one of the parents needs help or has moved back home. Or they may have taken over child care because of drug or alcohol problems with the grandchildren's parents.

This doesn't sound like anything new to me -- grandparents if they so wish and are asked have always been available to help with the grandkids. The difference from my view is that many of us are choosing not to be supplemental parents.

The grandparenting issue is one that can cause problems with a Mother In Law, where there were no problems before... or exacerbate existing problems. It can be a problem for a MIL who wants to offer feedback on how to raise kids -- worse if she's one who wants to "tell" how it should be done. (Key advise -- unless your grandchildren are being abused, stay out of the child-rearing wisdom).

It can also be a problem if the MIL doesn't want to be a babysitter -- or if that's the only time she's contacted. Some of us have been parenting for a long time (myself - it will be 42 years of parenting done when my youngest graduates from high school). We at least need a break before and if we continue on babysitting (because we shouldn't be parenting). Some of us may have things we want to do that we've put off - and we may be realizing we have limited times. Other MIL's may be young enough to still be working and have their own lives.

In any case, I'm thankful in some ways for the silence I'm receiving because it's making me reflect on many things I might have not examined. I was pretty much trundling along, thinking I was doing what needed to be done. More later on what a DIL perhaps needs to say to her MIL, rather than making assumptions. We cannot read your minds.

Nothing much more to say

And so,life goes on..nothing much more to say, for now.

Having written the thank you to my former MIL, and also a note of apology to my first DIL, all remains silent. There is a side of being a MIL that is very much in the background. Itmay be my apology has not been accepted - or that their are other more important things going on -- I am not the center, I know that, and it doesn't cause me any strong feelings. It is what it is.

Apologies do not need to be accepted -- I am surprised how I am not angry or saddened by the silence. I've done what I could. Time to move on with my own life.

My plan is to take off soon - when I am 62, my youngest will be off to college, we do hope if finances work for us. And that will somewhat end 42 years of being a full time mother.

My plan at this moment is to take off myself for a year or so in an RV... we'll see if that works. But how does that fit in to relationships with sons and their wives? I suspect as long as I am not needed, it's fine. I'm in the background of their lives, though it is still the centerfold of my own.