Advises for Mother In Laws in Tense Families for Surviving the In-laws Visits

This is written as a parody of very one-sided advice written for how to survive a visit with your in-laws .

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For some, the holidays are a wonderful time to spend with family – it’s wonderful to spend time with children, their spouses, grandchildren who you may not get to see often. For some of us, the holidays are a mixed blessing because the new families often wish to spend time with their own families, or must divide their time with his family and her family (which can include stepfamilies – sometimes the married couple's level, sometimes on the children’s level). Family traditions ~ the old and the new ~ also vary. There may be only slightly veiled tensions due to unrealistic expectations about which family style is correct, plus time tensions and things we are not aware of.

If you’ve invited your grown children, their spouses and your grandchildren to visit for the holidays (or they've invited themselves), here are some ideas to help get through the holidays without too many major disappointments.

Idea # 1

Know who your contact person in their family is – your grown child or their spouse. Prior to the visit, send a request for information regarding the length of the visit, sleeping accommodations, meal and special food preferences and times, babysitting needs and schedule, laundry, dry cleaning and general safety requirements, as well as boarding needs for any accompanying pets.

If needed, use the services of a good mediation service if any responses seem they might create conflict.

Idea #2

Send out quality R.S.V.P. invitations to events you would like them to participate in – be cheerful, pleasant and loving if they cannot attend any of them, for they have lives of their own.

Attend them yourself, even if they don’t.

Idea #3

Make use of a reliable cleaning service to prepare your home for the visitors, adjusting the normal cleanliness or dust levels to a higher or lower level to match the comfort zone of your visitors.

You will be judged as harshly for a house that is seen as too clean as for a house that is seen as too dirty.

Consider retaining these services until after the visit is over for a truly stress free visit.

Make sure the pantry and refrigerator are stocked with approved foods or cleared of those not approved.

Idea #4

Be flexible. Although you may have used the schedule received to cancel normal activities to be on hand for your visitors, be aware that their plans may change at any moment.

To avoid being labeled as selfish and self-centered, be ready to drop everything in order to babysit, pet sit or whatever is required, as well as to cheerfully cancel any personal plans you may have already made.

Idea #5

Bury old grudges. Leaving old arguments and problems behind gives you a clean slate for the holiday. If there is tension between you, and your son or daughter in law can’t seem to let go, you can still make an effort to rise above their efforts to pull you into controversial discussions. When troubling topics enter the discussion or when the tone shifts to being confrontational or critical, change the subject or, if necessary, leave the room

Idea #6

The holidays can be a whirlwind of commitments and to-do lists, and visitors, much as you love them and enjoy seeing them, can just add to the stress. If you have just 15 minutes and a quiet corner, do a quick round of yoga practice or meditation. Go to a movie by yourself or with your husband. Call a close friend and take off for a talk and a walk. Go out alone for a quiet breakfast or spend an afternoon at a bookstore, go to a friend's house.

Idea #7

Always find that silver lining. This too will pass. If your visitors ignore you, be thankful that they let you spend time with your own grandchildren. If they treat you like you’re so old you can’t manage your finances, make decisions or drive your own car, thank them for caring and sharing their opinions. Perhaps you can find some common ground, by going through old family albums, making a new album, sharing recipes or watching old home movies or a holiday DVD.

Idea #8

Remember that you are lovable and loved, that nothing lasts forever, that you know your offspring loves you even if it doesn’t seem so. And that a mother is always a mother.


Once a Mother Always a Mother by Nanas_Alley