Still Here after Months

Still here after five months of silence from DIL #1 - not much has changed except I think with all of this, I am more appreciative of DIL (#2) I have who is so inclusive with her relatives. My son (her husband) confirms my perception that if she were to disagree with something I said, or did, or how I handled it, she'd have a word or two to say to me!

I approve! I'd much rather be talked to, yelled at, protested to than shut out.

The family dynamics revealed here say a lot about me -- though in no way am I saying I'm entirely at fault for this continuing to be shut out saga -- I have to look at this all and see my part, both as the woman who raised the man involved in this, and as someone who likes to think she is wise enough to solve other people's problems.

The overview, in my opinion, is that as a single parent, I raised my son to be too nice to women - his father had to show him how to defend himself against girls. My other two sons aren't like this, so part of it is probably family position and personality.

DIL (#1) in my opinion doesn't appreciate his softness of heart. I think at least part of her - a good part - despises his easy going personality. And he doesn't stand up for himself. I imagine now she's berating him for being a Mama's Boy for any attempts he's made to stand up for my position (which has been to try to apologize to her for over stepping my bounds).

I also may be entirely wrong. It doesn't matter. Whatever is going on is out of my hands -- I'm sort of the catalyst and a bit player in the demise of my own relationship with my first DIL. It would be a lie to say I'm brokenhearted - I miss contact with my son and the chance to be close to my grandson. My first DIL has said I ruined the relationship with her -- she doesn't seem to see her part in this - by refusing to communicate about what was not a huge deal, she's participating in the ruination. There was no name-calling, no judgment passing, no pattern of stepping in and making demands. It was fixable, however difficult that may have seemed. And I cannot continue apologizing to someone who isn't listening. She's an intelligent, high-maintenance person - my son loves her. Evidently, in her judgment, I failed because I questioned her on something.

Because they are living abroad, even if we got along swimmingly, there would be some distance anyway. This isn't a lack of love for my son and grandson, just a distance that is sad. There's a certain amount of distancing from all three of my sons, because they are grown and separating. I no longer know all kinds of things about them that their wives or girlfriends do -- that's just the way it goes. It's an adjustment for any mother to make. I don't blame it on the women in their lives. It just is.

Life seems to be a series of changes - and how we handle them. Resistance, denial, anger, adjustments, acceptance. Letting go doesn't mean saying good-bye.

I'm not saying good-bye to my son or grandson - and if my DIL refuses to talk to me and no longer likes me, that's her choice. She's part of the package -- as I am. We'll have to work around each other.