Monday, March 31, 2014
Carry on
Time changes everything though. Things are fluid. One thing I did not think about when posting in here was how my Daughter in Laws might be thinking of me. "My husband's mother," or "my mother-in-law" or "that woman!"
Nothing stays the same. Things ebb and flow, cause and effect. We can only do our part and stop worrying about the others, stop blaming. We all participate - what we do and say and think has an effect. There is no point in sitting around telling negative tales or blaming, we can only change our own attitudes and behavior. In my life, things have changed and continue to, and most of that has to do with my own interactions with the people I write about in here.
We are all only human, and we only see what we see at any given moment.
All we can really do is try to realize everyone is learning, everyone is trying their best. We are all seeing from our own point of view. We all mean well (I really think we do). We will all look back and see things we didn't see. We all make mistakes, we are all only human.
As with everything -- I have been where you are (DIL, mother). You will be where I am (MIL, empty nester).
Carry on.
Friday, June 29, 2012
God Help Me, But I'm Dense...
So, go ahead, have fun with the negative comments to this one. I deserve them all. I am SOOOOO dense, I can't find any excuses for this.
We go back 2 years ago, when my 2nd son is having his first child. This is his wife's second child, not that that makes a difference, except, I suppose, it wasn't her first. So she knows about labor and child birth and most likely the delivery room.
I had no need or desire to be present in the delivery room. Really. I've had three of my own, I know the scene. It's exciting, but it's also private. The only people present at my deliveries were professionals and the parents. The baby's parents, not the grandparents. But that was eons ago, mine was an incredibly dysfunctional family - I would never have allowed my mother in the room - the times, the rules have changed. Really, I don't know what child birth etiquette is these days (I think it is - whatever the mother feels comfortable with - but I didn't bother to check).
My assumption (and we know what happens when you make assumptions) is that my son and his wife had discussed all of this in their childbirth classes and what they wanted was what would happen. And one of my stupids - I didn't want to upset my son or his wife, I wanted to do what was expected and cool. If they wanted me there, I'd be there, if not, not. So I didn't bother communicating on the topic of what did anyone want/expect..what would the mother, of all people, be comfortable with?
Truly, I don't remember much discussion on this. Who would be there, where, when, what, why. I don't. No talk about who would be watching the older grandchild, if his dad would take him or if he was going to be somewhere in the scene. Guess I figured this would be revealed at the time. Figured her mom would be somewhere nearby. I did not bother to ask.
My cell rang early one morning, my son all excited. Labor was happening, they were heading to the hospital, be there now, ok? Er, okay. Now? Yes, now! Do you really need me now? I mean... Yes NOW! Okay, well.., be there as soon as I can. (it's an hour away from me).
So, long story short, I was there for a good part of the labor. Her mom and sister were there. Her dad was there, bringing a young toddler her mother was supposed to be babysitting. Once the serious stuff started, only two people allowed aside from husband, and really...although I wouldn't have minded my mother-in-law in there, I'm not my DIL. But..not really a problem. I took the toddler and slipped out, entertained her for the rest of the time down in the cafeteria, a play room, the waiting room. (My DIL's dad had gone on to work, happy I think not to be around the birthing!).
My bads during this? I started to take pix of the labor (not the screaming part, the quiet pretty parts) along with my son but stopped when my DIL asked. This should have been a clue. No more pix. That was pretty stupid, but I think I just got carried away by the excitement and was trying to be helpful. (Take a moment now and scroll down and insert your comments...thoughtless, self-centered, insensitive, I know, I know).
Why do I write about this now? Because I did not realize, DID NOT REALIZE, for two years, until my DIL and were discussing why I hadn't been allowed to see this grandson for the two months after his birth (except for one brief visit to an event in the town I live in, which I suspect my son insisted I be included in)... this despite my being signed up for 3 days of childcare a week for the new baby, along with aftercare for his brother. Her reasoning was that she was in that 2 month period learning to breastfeed and recovering from childbirth - and being self conscious as these were intimate things that involved her body, etc. So she only wanted her mother, (and the other in-laws - my son's dad and his wife,) around. Not me.
Oh. Okay. They are planning another child, who I'll be taking care of, so I said, well, I hope that will change a little for the next child (meaning the 2 month shut out, not the MIL being there at childbirth, because I hadn't yet grasped that.)
She said, "not necessarily."
Oh. My. Okay.
So, I've started thinking about this. I'm SLOW, okay? It dawned (SLOWLY) on me that if the breastfeeding and childbirth recovery were intimate and my presence 2 months after childbirth felt like an intrusion - imagine how my presence at the birth (the labor anyway) must have felt. It then CRASHED on me that perhaps (no kidding) she would have preferred that I not be there at all.
Oi. Why didn't I think of that? And yes, it would have been good to have had that spelled out for me, but really. Why. did. I. not. think. of. that? Because, I swear to you, I am self-centered and assume people like me and want me around and would be comfortable telling me if they didn't.
So, my word to DIL's. If you don't want your MIL present at your child's birth, either you tell her, or you tell your husband to tell her. It isn't unreasonable, even if she thinks so. Even if you want your mother there and not your MIL. If that's how you feel, that's how if needs to be - you need to be feeling comfortable! Any woman should understand this - (I mean, ask her - did she have her MIL present at her son's birth?) Even if she takes it personally, she hopefully will get over it.
My advise to MIL's - unless your DIL openly and cheerfully tells you she wants you in the delivery room, don't assume you're invited. Don't invite yourself. Don't assume if your son invites you that your DIL wants you there. And if she doesn't, don't take it personally. You're still the grandmother, even if you weren't present at the birth.
If you don't talk these things out, I think they come out in other ways. They spill out even if you don't want them to, and a relationship that is good can sour. One that is bad will get worse.
It's scary to talk about it, but I swear, this is how we create or contribute to the problems in our lives.
As for me, I feel so stupid that I didn't see this - looking back now, it's clear and reasonable - I get it. And this time, I'm going to ask my son and his wife what I can do during their next child's birth to help out. It may be a good idea to apologize to my DIL - and let her know we're good.
We go back 2 years ago, when my 2nd son is having his first child. This is his wife's second child, not that that makes a difference, except, I suppose, it wasn't her first. So she knows about labor and child birth and most likely the delivery room.
I had no need or desire to be present in the delivery room. Really. I've had three of my own, I know the scene. It's exciting, but it's also private. The only people present at my deliveries were professionals and the parents. The baby's parents, not the grandparents. But that was eons ago, mine was an incredibly dysfunctional family - I would never have allowed my mother in the room - the times, the rules have changed. Really, I don't know what child birth etiquette is these days (I think it is - whatever the mother feels comfortable with - but I didn't bother to check).
My assumption (and we know what happens when you make assumptions) is that my son and his wife had discussed all of this in their childbirth classes and what they wanted was what would happen. And one of my stupids - I didn't want to upset my son or his wife, I wanted to do what was expected and cool. If they wanted me there, I'd be there, if not, not. So I didn't bother communicating on the topic of what did anyone want/expect..what would the mother, of all people, be comfortable with?
Truly, I don't remember much discussion on this. Who would be there, where, when, what, why. I don't. No talk about who would be watching the older grandchild, if his dad would take him or if he was going to be somewhere in the scene. Guess I figured this would be revealed at the time. Figured her mom would be somewhere nearby. I did not bother to ask.
My cell rang early one morning, my son all excited. Labor was happening, they were heading to the hospital, be there now, ok? Er, okay. Now? Yes, now! Do you really need me now? I mean... Yes NOW! Okay, well.., be there as soon as I can. (it's an hour away from me).
So, long story short, I was there for a good part of the labor. Her mom and sister were there. Her dad was there, bringing a young toddler her mother was supposed to be babysitting. Once the serious stuff started, only two people allowed aside from husband, and really...although I wouldn't have minded my mother-in-law in there, I'm not my DIL. But..not really a problem. I took the toddler and slipped out, entertained her for the rest of the time down in the cafeteria, a play room, the waiting room. (My DIL's dad had gone on to work, happy I think not to be around the birthing!).
My bads during this? I started to take pix of the labor (not the screaming part, the quiet pretty parts) along with my son but stopped when my DIL asked. This should have been a clue. No more pix. That was pretty stupid, but I think I just got carried away by the excitement and was trying to be helpful. (Take a moment now and scroll down and insert your comments...thoughtless, self-centered, insensitive, I know, I know).
Why do I write about this now? Because I did not realize, DID NOT REALIZE, for two years, until my DIL and were discussing why I hadn't been allowed to see this grandson for the two months after his birth (except for one brief visit to an event in the town I live in, which I suspect my son insisted I be included in)... this despite my being signed up for 3 days of childcare a week for the new baby, along with aftercare for his brother. Her reasoning was that she was in that 2 month period learning to breastfeed and recovering from childbirth - and being self conscious as these were intimate things that involved her body, etc. So she only wanted her mother, (and the other in-laws - my son's dad and his wife,) around. Not me.
Oh. Okay. They are planning another child, who I'll be taking care of, so I said, well, I hope that will change a little for the next child (meaning the 2 month shut out, not the MIL being there at childbirth, because I hadn't yet grasped that.)
She said, "not necessarily."
Oh. My. Okay.
So, I've started thinking about this. I'm SLOW, okay? It dawned (SLOWLY) on me that if the breastfeeding and childbirth recovery were intimate and my presence 2 months after childbirth felt like an intrusion - imagine how my presence at the birth (the labor anyway) must have felt. It then CRASHED on me that perhaps (no kidding) she would have preferred that I not be there at all.
Oi. Why didn't I think of that? And yes, it would have been good to have had that spelled out for me, but really. Why. did. I. not. think. of. that? Because, I swear to you, I am self-centered and assume people like me and want me around and would be comfortable telling me if they didn't.
So, my word to DIL's. If you don't want your MIL present at your child's birth, either you tell her, or you tell your husband to tell her. It isn't unreasonable, even if she thinks so. Even if you want your mother there and not your MIL. If that's how you feel, that's how if needs to be - you need to be feeling comfortable! Any woman should understand this - (I mean, ask her - did she have her MIL present at her son's birth?) Even if she takes it personally, she hopefully will get over it.
My advise to MIL's - unless your DIL openly and cheerfully tells you she wants you in the delivery room, don't assume you're invited. Don't invite yourself. Don't assume if your son invites you that your DIL wants you there. And if she doesn't, don't take it personally. You're still the grandmother, even if you weren't present at the birth.
If you don't talk these things out, I think they come out in other ways. They spill out even if you don't want them to, and a relationship that is good can sour. One that is bad will get worse.
It's scary to talk about it, but I swear, this is how we create or contribute to the problems in our lives.
As for me, I feel so stupid that I didn't see this - looking back now, it's clear and reasonable - I get it. And this time, I'm going to ask my son and his wife what I can do during their next child's birth to help out. It may be a good idea to apologize to my DIL - and let her know we're good.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
On Being Human...
I do not know how much more I'll be writing in here - it has been so helpful to me in the process of becoming a mother in law. And a better person, I hope.
For me, here's the thing. I have discovered a lot about myself in the process of finding out about myself as a mother-in-law. Any flaws (and as a poster said somewhere in here, we all have them) you have as a person are going to come out as a mother-in-law. They'll come out anytime you interact with other people, but for me the MIL thing has been illuminating.
Despite the tendency I see on-line for MIL's to get a lot of blame for being terrible people, we really are just people. Some of may be terrible, but most probably are not so terrible. If you are a DIL, chances are good you will someday be a MIL, too.
Compassion on all sides is what will get us through. I don't have a lot of that naturally, but I'm working on it. In my life I have done a lot of things that I now can see were not going to lead me to a place where I would be appreciated as a wise and wonderful person, let alone a wise and wonderful mother-in-law. That was when I was a daughter, wife, daughter-in-law. And although I used to like to fantasize little "what if" stories in my head -- "what if I hadn't done this", "what if I had done that", "what if I could go back and do this", "what if ..." there is no "what if". There is only now.
So, I am thankful that I am able to learn from the mistakes I have made and continue to make, that most of the people around me are forgiving and I can carry on, learning not to be so unforgiving and selfish myself.
In short, life is turning out to be good, though never perfect.
Let us forgive ourselves and each other - we all want to be happy or free from suffering. It is possible.
For me, here's the thing. I have discovered a lot about myself in the process of finding out about myself as a mother-in-law. Any flaws (and as a poster said somewhere in here, we all have them) you have as a person are going to come out as a mother-in-law. They'll come out anytime you interact with other people, but for me the MIL thing has been illuminating.
Despite the tendency I see on-line for MIL's to get a lot of blame for being terrible people, we really are just people. Some of may be terrible, but most probably are not so terrible. If you are a DIL, chances are good you will someday be a MIL, too.
Compassion on all sides is what will get us through. I don't have a lot of that naturally, but I'm working on it. In my life I have done a lot of things that I now can see were not going to lead me to a place where I would be appreciated as a wise and wonderful person, let alone a wise and wonderful mother-in-law. That was when I was a daughter, wife, daughter-in-law. And although I used to like to fantasize little "what if" stories in my head -- "what if I hadn't done this", "what if I had done that", "what if I could go back and do this", "what if ..." there is no "what if". There is only now.
So, I am thankful that I am able to learn from the mistakes I have made and continue to make, that most of the people around me are forgiving and I can carry on, learning not to be so unforgiving and selfish myself.
In short, life is turning out to be good, though never perfect.
Let us forgive ourselves and each other - we all want to be happy or free from suffering. It is possible.
Monday, October 18, 2010
The more things change....
..the more your plans change. I haven't written in months and months. The RV life is on hold, perhaps forever, which is fine. My daughter-in-law (DIL #2) and son have had a new baby and I'm one of the caregivers 3 days a week, starting in two days! Very exciting!
My son's wife (DIL#1) never did respond to my letter to her, attempting to smooth things over and open the door.
But... here's what I've learned this year. In a nutshell because, ya know, I have things to do (Son #3, not married thank God as he's a freshman in college, is home for a week).
In some ways, I find I am simultaneously expecting too much and giving too little credit from these women my sons love. Those in my age group (let's just say, 50 and over :) ) often forget we're as old as others see us. Speaking for myself, I see myself more as a peer of women in their 30's and 40's. And that may be true, as long as those women are not my daughters or daughter-in-laws. It seems like only yesterday (deep sigh) that I was 30 - it's shocking to be 20 or more years beyond that age...or twice the age.
My daughter in laws are women, grown and accomplished. They sure as hell are not children, and I don't believe I treat them that way. And I'm sure anyone who is 30 - 40 will read my comments now and think I'm being condescending but I don't mean it this way at all. As smart and savvy and worldly as I was at 30 and 40, I still had issues and things I was working on. Crap, I have issues now I'm still working on.
What I'm trying to say (with great difficulty and little success) is that somehow, I think I expect my DIL's to be more mature than I am in dealing with their own issues and insecurities - we all have these issues, or perhaps its just special to my family. Dear readers can defend their own levels of sanity, mental health and maturity but I offer the argument that the apples don't fall far from the trees.
That is, I come from a dysfunctional family - VERY. We won't go into detail. Let's just say there are abandonment issues, alcoholism, early death of a parent, abuse issues and pretty awful mothering that I received. With therapy and help, I did better, but not nearly as good as I wish I had. And although my sons may have married women healthier than I was - there are issues.
So, here I am dealing with my own issues about my own mother. And my insecurities about myself as a mother. On top of that, my sons wives have issues with their own mothers, issues with their husbands and God help us, issues with me.
As I deal with my stuff, I have to filter it, recognizing that I am looking at things through some very tainted (not tinted) glasses.
It could be argued that therefore, any Mother In Law problems that come up are all mine, or all my fault. But I think NOT. I think we all bring our own junk into this. And if we don't recognize that we have our own tainted glasses on, we tend to point our fingers at the other person. "It's not my fault". or .. "It's all my fault."
Neither of which are true. Just. about. ever.
But I forget that my DIL's may not yet have gotten that, especially since I was in my 30's, I kept "getting it" and then "forgetting it."
So, I've come to the conclusion that most of what I can do about the Mother In Law - Daughter In Law problems has to do with my perception, my reactions.
First, I have decided to stay away from places where people talk about their specific problems, in great detail.
Everyone has a story or two or three, about what their MIL or DIL has done "to me" - in doing that, we paint ourselves as a victim or a "survivor" of the Other's attempt to unfairly victimize us.
When I go to those places, however I do it, to share these stories with others, I find myself in a downward spiraling cycle, with no solution. There is no peace, there is no forgiveness. It is Her vs Me.
Further, it seems to encourage in me at least a tendency to see anything that happens through the eyes of someone being mistreated - as if there's now a translator of everything that gives further "proof" that I'm being unfairly treated by some powerful force.
Second - I have decided to recognize that I may be misinterpreting things. Or seeing them through my eyes only.
This takes some effort. But it isn't all about me anymore. It is the nature of our children growing up and moving out and on - and marrying and starting their own families - that moves the once Important Mother out of the center and into a Backdrop role.
Further, my sons have married women who are not me. Or who are not like me. Or who may be like I was when I was 20 or 30, but who are not like me now. In any case, they are not me and I am not them and we are not the same.
At first I chose to interpret my #1 DIL's refusing to respond to my attempts to talk with her about our riff as a rejection of me and a slap at me (and I didn't want to reopen an argument and "win", I wanted to be able to talk about our relationship, not the issue). I've come to conclude that there is nothing wrong with this response. It is not in her nature to want to get into a deeply personal discussion with me about the matter. I think she's done with it. It was like a turning point in a relationship, where you come to realize your partner isn't the fantasy perfect person you thought they were - she came to realize who I was and vice-versa. We aren't who we thought we were as individuals. It isn't - or shouldn't be - the end of the relationship. It's a change into reality.
The way to ruin it would be to continue expecting her to react the way I want her to, and to "punish" her because she won't. She is who she is. I am who I am. It doesn't help that we live thousands of miles apart, across an ocean. It makes it hard to grow past this, as you would if you were in a relationship with someone you see every day or week or month - we are lucky if we see each other every year. It is sad but the physical distance isn't helping. So - I expect more when I expect her to be who I want her to be, as if that's somehow superior to who she is. My expectations are unrealistic when I expect our relationship to be central to her - she has a husband, a child, friends, parents, a job, a life of her own. I'm somewhat important, but.. you know, life goes on. I expect too much when I expect that whatever pushed her off in our interaction was all about me, that there weren't some of her own issues she's dealing with that got projected on me that someday she'll go "aha!" about.. it really isn't all about me, though it may seem that way in the heat of an argument. I give her less credit when I think she isn't probably aware of much of this herself, when I think she isn't a loving and valuable person who is doing all she can.
Some of this came about, indirectly, in dealings with DIL#2 - I watched myself and realized how much my disappointments are about not being a central part in the life of my son and his new family. My expectations then got pushed (by me) onto my DIL #2 - I started theorizing that she really didn't like me, that she had all sorts of things going on in her head about my parenting, my history, etc. I felt victimized and sorry for myself because I felt excluded. When what was going on was - just life going on. This too has passed. And I am somewhat resigned to my own thoughts about being the mother of sons.
My daughter-in-laws are close to their own mothers. They'd rather spend their time with their mothers, and their husbands generally tag along. I am very fortunate that when I am nearby, I'm included. But - as a single older woman who worked and never was the traditional nurturing center (holiday dinners at my house - um, no), I am still not that.
I don't know if it is true in most families but - in the families my sons have married into, it is the wife and her family that becomes the hub of the family. I am not and have never been a hub. My mother wasn't a hub. I would love to have a hub, but I'm not a hub. So I am now secondary.
This may not be true for many people. It's true for us. Now I have to find ways to work with this. Seeing it as some huge plot against me doesn't work. Slapping myself because that's how my life went doesn't work either. Or my specialty, which has been to suffer in passive-aggressive silence, saying nothing in a way that lets everyone know I'm hurt.
So, I am working on finding a way to be somewhat centered (rather than self-centered) and see if I can be included, not excluded. And just saying how I felt, without that shrill voice that sounds like because I feel this way, something must be done immediately!
I was able to let my son #2 know how I felt about being excluded after his son was born. Everyone was excluded - except his wife's mother. He said, "she doesn't want to see anyone, and hundreds of people have asked." I pointed out I'm not "hundreds of people." I'm his mother and the baby's grandmother, and just asked him to consider that in understanding why I was feeling hurt and excluded. This too passed. My DIL had just had a baby - she wasn't feeling well .. she wanted.. her mommy! But rather than just sit and sulk with my feelings - I was able to express them to my son without putting a zing to them. Or as much of a zing as usual.
I don't know if it would help a DIL who is having difficulty with a MIL to take it less personally if she could see that the woman perhaps, like me, has a tainted view of the world. This is, of course, the kind of information one needs not share with one's MIL - unless you are a therapist or even if you are - its not recommended to therapeutize your own MIL.
What might help is to be able to filter one's own reactions by understanding if someone else's reactions are at all true (perhaps a MIL is being left out more than your own mother) - and also not to take their reactions personally. It isn't about you. It's usually about - at least for me - about their own uneasiness with their own issues that have more to do with them than with you.
And interestingly enough - what's true for the goose is most often true for the goose-in-law.
The trick here, I think, is to know that. Daughter in law - Mother in law. It isn't all about you. And you aren't without some part in whatever is going on. Really.
My son's wife (DIL#1) never did respond to my letter to her, attempting to smooth things over and open the door.
But... here's what I've learned this year. In a nutshell because, ya know, I have things to do (Son #3, not married thank God as he's a freshman in college, is home for a week).
In some ways, I find I am simultaneously expecting too much and giving too little credit from these women my sons love. Those in my age group (let's just say, 50 and over :) ) often forget we're as old as others see us. Speaking for myself, I see myself more as a peer of women in their 30's and 40's. And that may be true, as long as those women are not my daughters or daughter-in-laws. It seems like only yesterday (deep sigh) that I was 30 - it's shocking to be 20 or more years beyond that age...or twice the age.
My daughter in laws are women, grown and accomplished. They sure as hell are not children, and I don't believe I treat them that way. And I'm sure anyone who is 30 - 40 will read my comments now and think I'm being condescending but I don't mean it this way at all. As smart and savvy and worldly as I was at 30 and 40, I still had issues and things I was working on. Crap, I have issues now I'm still working on.
What I'm trying to say (with great difficulty and little success) is that somehow, I think I expect my DIL's to be more mature than I am in dealing with their own issues and insecurities - we all have these issues, or perhaps its just special to my family. Dear readers can defend their own levels of sanity, mental health and maturity but I offer the argument that the apples don't fall far from the trees.
That is, I come from a dysfunctional family - VERY. We won't go into detail. Let's just say there are abandonment issues, alcoholism, early death of a parent, abuse issues and pretty awful mothering that I received. With therapy and help, I did better, but not nearly as good as I wish I had. And although my sons may have married women healthier than I was - there are issues.
So, here I am dealing with my own issues about my own mother. And my insecurities about myself as a mother. On top of that, my sons wives have issues with their own mothers, issues with their husbands and God help us, issues with me.
As I deal with my stuff, I have to filter it, recognizing that I am looking at things through some very tainted (not tinted) glasses.
It could be argued that therefore, any Mother In Law problems that come up are all mine, or all my fault. But I think NOT. I think we all bring our own junk into this. And if we don't recognize that we have our own tainted glasses on, we tend to point our fingers at the other person. "It's not my fault". or .. "It's all my fault."
Neither of which are true. Just. about. ever.
But I forget that my DIL's may not yet have gotten that, especially since I was in my 30's, I kept "getting it" and then "forgetting it."
So, I've come to the conclusion that most of what I can do about the Mother In Law - Daughter In Law problems has to do with my perception, my reactions.
First, I have decided to stay away from places where people talk about their specific problems, in great detail.
Everyone has a story or two or three, about what their MIL or DIL has done "to me" - in doing that, we paint ourselves as a victim or a "survivor" of the Other's attempt to unfairly victimize us.
When I go to those places, however I do it, to share these stories with others, I find myself in a downward spiraling cycle, with no solution. There is no peace, there is no forgiveness. It is Her vs Me.
Further, it seems to encourage in me at least a tendency to see anything that happens through the eyes of someone being mistreated - as if there's now a translator of everything that gives further "proof" that I'm being unfairly treated by some powerful force.
Second - I have decided to recognize that I may be misinterpreting things. Or seeing them through my eyes only.
This takes some effort. But it isn't all about me anymore. It is the nature of our children growing up and moving out and on - and marrying and starting their own families - that moves the once Important Mother out of the center and into a Backdrop role.
Further, my sons have married women who are not me. Or who are not like me. Or who may be like I was when I was 20 or 30, but who are not like me now. In any case, they are not me and I am not them and we are not the same.
At first I chose to interpret my #1 DIL's refusing to respond to my attempts to talk with her about our riff as a rejection of me and a slap at me (and I didn't want to reopen an argument and "win", I wanted to be able to talk about our relationship, not the issue). I've come to conclude that there is nothing wrong with this response. It is not in her nature to want to get into a deeply personal discussion with me about the matter. I think she's done with it. It was like a turning point in a relationship, where you come to realize your partner isn't the fantasy perfect person you thought they were - she came to realize who I was and vice-versa. We aren't who we thought we were as individuals. It isn't - or shouldn't be - the end of the relationship. It's a change into reality.
The way to ruin it would be to continue expecting her to react the way I want her to, and to "punish" her because she won't. She is who she is. I am who I am. It doesn't help that we live thousands of miles apart, across an ocean. It makes it hard to grow past this, as you would if you were in a relationship with someone you see every day or week or month - we are lucky if we see each other every year. It is sad but the physical distance isn't helping. So - I expect more when I expect her to be who I want her to be, as if that's somehow superior to who she is. My expectations are unrealistic when I expect our relationship to be central to her - she has a husband, a child, friends, parents, a job, a life of her own. I'm somewhat important, but.. you know, life goes on. I expect too much when I expect that whatever pushed her off in our interaction was all about me, that there weren't some of her own issues she's dealing with that got projected on me that someday she'll go "aha!" about.. it really isn't all about me, though it may seem that way in the heat of an argument. I give her less credit when I think she isn't probably aware of much of this herself, when I think she isn't a loving and valuable person who is doing all she can.
Some of this came about, indirectly, in dealings with DIL#2 - I watched myself and realized how much my disappointments are about not being a central part in the life of my son and his new family. My expectations then got pushed (by me) onto my DIL #2 - I started theorizing that she really didn't like me, that she had all sorts of things going on in her head about my parenting, my history, etc. I felt victimized and sorry for myself because I felt excluded. When what was going on was - just life going on. This too has passed. And I am somewhat resigned to my own thoughts about being the mother of sons.
My daughter-in-laws are close to their own mothers. They'd rather spend their time with their mothers, and their husbands generally tag along. I am very fortunate that when I am nearby, I'm included. But - as a single older woman who worked and never was the traditional nurturing center (holiday dinners at my house - um, no), I am still not that.
I don't know if it is true in most families but - in the families my sons have married into, it is the wife and her family that becomes the hub of the family. I am not and have never been a hub. My mother wasn't a hub. I would love to have a hub, but I'm not a hub. So I am now secondary.
This may not be true for many people. It's true for us. Now I have to find ways to work with this. Seeing it as some huge plot against me doesn't work. Slapping myself because that's how my life went doesn't work either. Or my specialty, which has been to suffer in passive-aggressive silence, saying nothing in a way that lets everyone know I'm hurt.
So, I am working on finding a way to be somewhat centered (rather than self-centered) and see if I can be included, not excluded. And just saying how I felt, without that shrill voice that sounds like because I feel this way, something must be done immediately!
I was able to let my son #2 know how I felt about being excluded after his son was born. Everyone was excluded - except his wife's mother. He said, "she doesn't want to see anyone, and hundreds of people have asked." I pointed out I'm not "hundreds of people." I'm his mother and the baby's grandmother, and just asked him to consider that in understanding why I was feeling hurt and excluded. This too passed. My DIL had just had a baby - she wasn't feeling well .. she wanted.. her mommy! But rather than just sit and sulk with my feelings - I was able to express them to my son without putting a zing to them. Or as much of a zing as usual.
I don't know if it would help a DIL who is having difficulty with a MIL to take it less personally if she could see that the woman perhaps, like me, has a tainted view of the world. This is, of course, the kind of information one needs not share with one's MIL - unless you are a therapist or even if you are - its not recommended to therapeutize your own MIL.
What might help is to be able to filter one's own reactions by understanding if someone else's reactions are at all true (perhaps a MIL is being left out more than your own mother) - and also not to take their reactions personally. It isn't about you. It's usually about - at least for me - about their own uneasiness with their own issues that have more to do with them than with you.
And interestingly enough - what's true for the goose is most often true for the goose-in-law.
The trick here, I think, is to know that. Daughter in law - Mother in law. It isn't all about you. And you aren't without some part in whatever is going on. Really.
Friday, January 22, 2010
What's in a Name?
I've said that "mother in law" is just a title - as is "daughter in law". Just a simple, legalistic descriptive term that tells you the relationship of a woman to her children's spouses or a daughter to her husband's mother.
But as the relationship between my two sons' wives develop, I begin to question that. My first DIL and I now have a less than friendly relationship - civil, I suppose. As she said, it will never be the same. She seems to have no awareness that it could be the same, better, if she were willing to talk with me - not about the "incident" but about what is going on between us. She doesn't want to, it isn't her style and so our relationship erodes. It will be civil. I feel sad, but more accepting than I've been before.
However, I find myself referring to her as "my son's wife" rather than "my daughter in law". And I don't really want to be described by her as her mother in law. Those titles, at least to me, aren't impersonal and descriptive. They are the indication of a personal relationship, a connection between two people, a connection that - at least for now - isn't there. I suppose that means I've emotionally divorced myself from her, I feel disconnected.
But in referring to the wives of my sons, I find myself saying (when not referring to them by name) that one is "my son's wife", while the other is "my daughter in law".
=====
March 31, 2014 - in retrospect, I do not like this attitude of mine here.
But as the relationship between my two sons' wives develop, I begin to question that. My first DIL and I now have a less than friendly relationship - civil, I suppose. As she said, it will never be the same. She seems to have no awareness that it could be the same, better, if she were willing to talk with me - not about the "incident" but about what is going on between us. She doesn't want to, it isn't her style and so our relationship erodes. It will be civil. I feel sad, but more accepting than I've been before.
However, I find myself referring to her as "my son's wife" rather than "my daughter in law". And I don't really want to be described by her as her mother in law. Those titles, at least to me, aren't impersonal and descriptive. They are the indication of a personal relationship, a connection between two people, a connection that - at least for now - isn't there. I suppose that means I've emotionally divorced myself from her, I feel disconnected.
But in referring to the wives of my sons, I find myself saying (when not referring to them by name) that one is "my son's wife", while the other is "my daughter in law".
=====
March 31, 2014 - in retrospect, I do not like this attitude of mine here.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
The problem with daughter in laws
Since nobody reads this, I feel free to express myself! The problem with daughter in laws is ... in my opinion ... a sentence that leads to conflict, distancing and arguments.
But if we must finish that sentence? The problem with daughter in laws, from the mother in law's perspective, might be one of many things. And it well depends on the mother in law's perceptions of her place in her married son's life.
This whole issue - mother in laws and daughter in laws - is so loaded with tension and conflict, it's a wonder there are any mother in laws and daughter in laws who get along. It's a wonder we aren't hearing horror stories of undercover agents hired by both "sides" to get rid of the other.
From what I read on the boards - even the board I like - the problem with daugher in laws and mother in laws is who we each think the other is, and who we think we are.
There are so many ways the roles can be played, it is impossible and incorrect to broadly place a daughter in law or a mother in law in the position of victim or bully, wrong party or Queen Manipulator.
It isn't a matter of the Title that gives the power, though you would think so if you read the boards. All Daughter in Laws are < fill in the blank > All Mother in Laws are < fill in the blank > .
The problem with daughter in laws is that they are people. The problem with mother in laws is that they are people. Flawed, with different degrees of maturity and perceptions of their own position in the lives of the others.
Sadly for those who get locked into the dramas, the problem with daughter in laws and mother in laws is that they seem to forget we are only here for a very short time. It can all end, literally, in a heart beat.
But if we must finish that sentence? The problem with daughter in laws, from the mother in law's perspective, might be one of many things. And it well depends on the mother in law's perceptions of her place in her married son's life.
This whole issue - mother in laws and daughter in laws - is so loaded with tension and conflict, it's a wonder there are any mother in laws and daughter in laws who get along. It's a wonder we aren't hearing horror stories of undercover agents hired by both "sides" to get rid of the other.
From what I read on the boards - even the board I like - the problem with daugher in laws and mother in laws is who we each think the other is, and who we think we are.
There are so many ways the roles can be played, it is impossible and incorrect to broadly place a daughter in law or a mother in law in the position of victim or bully, wrong party or Queen Manipulator.
It isn't a matter of the Title that gives the power, though you would think so if you read the boards. All Daughter in Laws are < fill in the blank > All Mother in Laws are < fill in the blank > .
The problem with daughter in laws is that they are people. The problem with mother in laws is that they are people. Flawed, with different degrees of maturity and perceptions of their own position in the lives of the others.
Sadly for those who get locked into the dramas, the problem with daughter in laws and mother in laws is that they seem to forget we are only here for a very short time. It can all end, literally, in a heart beat.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Men are more likely to confess to a predilection for pornography than admit to a close relationship with their mother.
I came across this article by William Sutcliffe and found it very enlightening... I wish his mother had a book or a blog out, she's a kindred soul with a wise mind, to me.
When son William calls her up to discuss his new book about to come out (about three somewhat meddling women who are led to motivate their 34 year old unmarried sons to get on with their lives), he's surprised somewhat at her reaction both about the book which (in his words) ".. suggests that, after all the effort women put into the first 18 years of their sons’ lives, what is subsequently given back is a pretty meagre reward."
His mother seems to have come to some acceptance and understanding of this -- probably in a longer and more painful process than is reflected in this article (though, then again, I say with a bit of humor, they are Brits, a bit more stoic and probably not led to the public wailing and moaning we Americans are want to do)
William's mum explains:
The interview is definitely worth a read.... Men and their mothers
When son William calls her up to discuss his new book about to come out (about three somewhat meddling women who are led to motivate their 34 year old unmarried sons to get on with their lives), he's surprised somewhat at her reaction both about the book which (in his words) ".. suggests that, after all the effort women put into the first 18 years of their sons’ lives, what is subsequently given back is a pretty meagre reward."
His mother seems to have come to some acceptance and understanding of this -- probably in a longer and more painful process than is reflected in this article (though, then again, I say with a bit of humor, they are Brits, a bit more stoic and probably not led to the public wailing and moaning we Americans are want to do)
William's mum explains:
“All mothers feel the pain of no longer being needed, but we don’t admit to it,” she confesses eventually. "
“It’s not an unmixed pain, though,” she says, hiding a little behind the double negative. “You wouldn’t want it any other way.”
When I ask her why nobody admits to it, she says: “You don’t want to seem abject.” She is rather pleased with her choice of word. I ask her what she means by it, and she comes up with another.
“Discarded. You know that you’ve been discarded. You passionately want your son to find the right woman, but you know that when it happens, you are cast aside.”
The interview is definitely worth a read.... Men and their mothers
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