The more things change....

..the more your plans change.    I haven't written in months and months.    The RV life is on hold, perhaps forever, which is fine.  My daughter-in-law (DIL #2) and son have had a new baby and I'm one of the caregivers 3 days a week, starting in two days!   Very exciting!

My son's wife (DIL#1) never did respond to my letter to her, attempting to smooth things over and open the door.

But... here's what I've learned this year.  In a nutshell because, ya know, I have things to do (Son #3, not married thank God as he's a freshman in college, is home for a week).

In some ways, I find I am simultaneously expecting too much and giving too little credit from these women my sons love.   Those in my age group (let's just say, 50 and over :) )  often forget we're as old as others see us.  Speaking for myself, I see myself more as a peer of women in their 30's and 40's.  And that may be true, as long as those women are not my daughters or daughter-in-laws.  It seems like only yesterday (deep sigh) that I was 30 - it's shocking to be 20 or more years beyond that age...or twice the age. 

My daughter in laws are women, grown and accomplished.  They sure as hell are not children, and I don't believe I treat them that way.  And I'm sure anyone who is 30 - 40 will read my comments now and think I'm being condescending but I don't mean it this way at all.  As smart and savvy and worldly as I was at 30 and 40, I still had issues and things I was working on.  Crap, I have issues now I'm still working on.

What I'm trying to say (with great difficulty and little success) is that somehow, I think I expect my DIL's to be more mature than I am in dealing with their own issues and insecurities - we all have these issues, or perhaps its just special to my family.   Dear readers can defend their own levels of sanity, mental health and maturity but I offer the argument that the apples don't fall far from the trees.

That is, I come from a dysfunctional family - VERY.  We won't go into detail.  Let's just say there are abandonment issues, alcoholism, early death of a parent, abuse issues and pretty awful mothering that I received.   With therapy and help, I did better, but not nearly as good as I wish I had.   And although my sons may have married women healthier than I was - there are issues.

So, here I am dealing with my own issues about my own mother.  And my insecurities about myself as a mother.  On top of that, my sons wives have issues with their own mothers, issues with their husbands and God help us, issues with me. 

As I deal with my stuff, I have to filter it, recognizing that I am looking at things through some very tainted (not tinted) glasses.

It could be argued that therefore, any Mother In Law problems that come up are all mine, or all my fault.  But I think NOT.  I think we all bring our own junk into this.  And if we don't recognize that we have our own tainted glasses on, we tend to point our fingers at the other person.  "It's not my fault".  or .. "It's all my fault."
Neither of which are true.  Just. about. ever.

But I forget that my DIL's may not yet have gotten that, especially since I was in my 30's, I kept "getting it" and then "forgetting it." 

So, I've come to the conclusion that most of what I can do about the Mother In Law - Daughter In Law problems has to do with my perception, my reactions.

First, I have decided to stay away from places where people talk about their specific problems, in great detail.
Everyone has a story or two or three, about what their MIL or DIL has done "to me" - in doing that, we paint ourselves as a victim or a "survivor" of the Other's attempt to unfairly victimize us.

When I go to those places, however I do it, to share these stories with others, I find myself in a downward spiraling cycle, with no solution.  There is no peace, there is no forgiveness.  It is Her vs Me. 

Further, it seems to encourage in me at least a tendency to see anything that happens through the eyes of someone being mistreated - as if there's now a translator of everything that gives further "proof" that I'm being unfairly treated by some powerful force.

Second - I have decided to recognize that I may be misinterpreting things. Or seeing them through my eyes only.

This takes some effort.  But it isn't all about me anymore.  It is the nature of our children growing up and moving out and on - and marrying and starting their own families - that moves the once Important Mother out of the center and into a Backdrop role. 

Further, my sons have married women who are not me.  Or who are not like me.  Or who may be like I was when I was 20 or 30, but who are not like me now.  In any case, they are not me and I am not them and we are not the same.

At first I chose to interpret my #1 DIL's refusing to respond to my attempts to talk with her about our riff as a rejection of me and a slap at me (and I didn't want to reopen an argument and "win",  I wanted to be able to talk about our relationship, not the issue).   I've come to conclude that there is nothing wrong with this response.  It is not in her nature to want to get into a deeply personal discussion with me about the matter.  I think she's done with it.  It was like a turning point in a relationship, where you come to realize your partner isn't the fantasy perfect person you thought they were - she came to realize who I was and vice-versa.  We aren't who we thought we were as individuals.  It isn't - or shouldn't be - the end of the relationship.  It's a change into reality.

The way to ruin it would be to continue expecting her to react the way I want her to, and to "punish" her because she won't.  She is who she is.  I am who I am.  It doesn't help that we live thousands of miles apart, across an ocean.  It makes it hard to grow past this, as you would if you were in a relationship with someone you see every day or week or month - we are lucky if we see each other every year.  It is sad but the physical distance isn't helping.    So - I expect more when I expect  her to be who I want her to be, as if that's somehow superior to who she is.   My expectations are unrealistic when I expect our relationship to be central to her - she has a husband, a child, friends, parents, a job, a life of her own.  I'm somewhat important, but.. you know, life goes on.  I expect too much when I expect that whatever pushed her off in our interaction was all about me,  that there weren't some of her own issues she's dealing with that got projected on me that someday she'll go "aha!" about.. it really isn't all about me, though it may seem that way in the heat of an argument.   I give her less credit when I think she isn't probably aware of much of this herself, when I think she isn't a loving and valuable person who is doing all she can.

Some of this came about, indirectly, in dealings with DIL#2 - I watched myself and realized how much my disappointments are about not being a central part in the life of my son and his new family.  My expectations then got pushed (by me) onto my DIL #2 - I started theorizing that she really didn't like me, that she had all sorts of things going on in her head about my parenting, my history, etc.   I felt victimized and sorry for myself because I felt excluded.  When what was going on was - just life going on.  This too has passed.  And I am somewhat resigned to my own thoughts about being the mother of sons.

My daughter-in-laws are close to their own mothers.  They'd rather spend their time with their mothers, and their husbands generally tag along.  I am very fortunate that when I am nearby, I'm included.  But - as a single older woman who worked and never was the traditional nurturing center (holiday dinners at my house - um, no), I am still not that.

I don't know if it is true in most families but - in the families my sons have married into, it is the wife and her family that becomes the hub of the family.  I am not and have never been a hub.  My mother wasn't a hub.  I would love to have a hub, but I'm not a hub.  So I am now secondary.

This may not be true for many people.  It's true for us.  Now I have to find ways to work with this.  Seeing it as some huge plot against me doesn't work.  Slapping myself because that's how my life went doesn't work either. Or my specialty, which has been to suffer in passive-aggressive silence, saying nothing in a way that lets everyone know I'm hurt.

So, I am working on finding a way to be somewhat centered (rather than self-centered) and see if I can be included, not excluded.  And just saying how I felt, without that shrill voice that sounds like because I feel this way, something must be done immediately!

  I was able to let my son #2 know how I felt about being excluded after his son was born.  Everyone was excluded - except his wife's mother.  He said, "she doesn't want to see anyone, and hundreds of people have asked."  I pointed out I'm not "hundreds of people."  I'm his mother and the baby's grandmother, and just asked him to consider that in understanding why I was feeling hurt and excluded.   This too passed.  My DIL had just had a baby - she wasn't feeling well .. she wanted.. her mommy!   But rather than just sit and sulk with my feelings - I was able to express them to my son without putting a zing to them. Or as much of a zing as usual.

I don't know if it would help a DIL who is having difficulty with a MIL to take it less personally if she could see that the woman perhaps, like me, has a tainted view of the world.  This is, of course, the kind of information one needs not share with one's MIL - unless you are a therapist or even if you are - its not recommended to therapeutize your own MIL.

 What might help  is to be able to filter one's own reactions by understanding if someone else's reactions are at all true (perhaps a MIL is being left out more than your own mother) - and also not to take their reactions personally.  It isn't about you.  It's usually about - at least for me - about their own uneasiness with their own issues that have more to do with them than with you.

And interestingly enough - what's true for the goose is most often true for the goose-in-law.

The trick here, I think, is to know that.  Daughter in law - Mother in law.  It isn't all about you.  And you aren't without some part in whatever is going on.  Really.