Men are more likely to confess to a predilection for pornography than admit to a close relationship with their mother.

I came across this article by William Sutcliffe and found it very enlightening... I wish his mother had a book or a blog out, she's a kindred soul with a wise mind, to me.

When son William calls her up to discuss his new book about to come out (about three somewhat meddling women who are led to motivate their 34 year old unmarried sons to get on with their lives), he's surprised somewhat at her reaction both about the book which (in his words) ".. suggests that, after all the effort women put into the first 18 years of their sons’ lives, what is subsequently given back is a pretty meagre reward."

His mother seems to have come to some acceptance and understanding of this -- probably in a longer and more painful process than is reflected in this article (though, then again, I say with a bit of humor, they are Brits, a bit more stoic and probably not led to the public wailing and moaning we Americans are want to do)

William's mum explains:

“All mothers feel the pain of no longer being needed, but we don’t admit to it,” she confesses eventually. "

“It’s not an unmixed pain, though,” she says, hiding a little behind the double negative. “You wouldn’t want it any other way.”

When I ask her why nobody admits to it, she says: “You don’t want to seem abject.” She is rather pleased with her choice of word. I ask her what she means by it, and she comes up with another.

“Discarded. You know that you’ve been discarded. You passionately want your son to find the right woman, but you know that when it happens, you are cast aside.”

The interview is definitely worth a read.... Men and their mothers

Advises for Mother In Laws in Tense Families for Surviving the In-laws Visits

This is written as a parody of very one-sided advice written for how to survive a visit with your in-laws .

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For some, the holidays are a wonderful time to spend with family – it’s wonderful to spend time with children, their spouses, grandchildren who you may not get to see often. For some of us, the holidays are a mixed blessing because the new families often wish to spend time with their own families, or must divide their time with his family and her family (which can include stepfamilies – sometimes the married couple's level, sometimes on the children’s level). Family traditions ~ the old and the new ~ also vary. There may be only slightly veiled tensions due to unrealistic expectations about which family style is correct, plus time tensions and things we are not aware of.

If you’ve invited your grown children, their spouses and your grandchildren to visit for the holidays (or they've invited themselves), here are some ideas to help get through the holidays without too many major disappointments.

Idea # 1

Know who your contact person in their family is – your grown child or their spouse. Prior to the visit, send a request for information regarding the length of the visit, sleeping accommodations, meal and special food preferences and times, babysitting needs and schedule, laundry, dry cleaning and general safety requirements, as well as boarding needs for any accompanying pets.

If needed, use the services of a good mediation service if any responses seem they might create conflict.

Idea #2

Send out quality R.S.V.P. invitations to events you would like them to participate in – be cheerful, pleasant and loving if they cannot attend any of them, for they have lives of their own.

Attend them yourself, even if they don’t.

Idea #3

Make use of a reliable cleaning service to prepare your home for the visitors, adjusting the normal cleanliness or dust levels to a higher or lower level to match the comfort zone of your visitors.

You will be judged as harshly for a house that is seen as too clean as for a house that is seen as too dirty.

Consider retaining these services until after the visit is over for a truly stress free visit.

Make sure the pantry and refrigerator are stocked with approved foods or cleared of those not approved.

Idea #4

Be flexible. Although you may have used the schedule received to cancel normal activities to be on hand for your visitors, be aware that their plans may change at any moment.

To avoid being labeled as selfish and self-centered, be ready to drop everything in order to babysit, pet sit or whatever is required, as well as to cheerfully cancel any personal plans you may have already made.

Idea #5

Bury old grudges. Leaving old arguments and problems behind gives you a clean slate for the holiday. If there is tension between you, and your son or daughter in law can’t seem to let go, you can still make an effort to rise above their efforts to pull you into controversial discussions. When troubling topics enter the discussion or when the tone shifts to being confrontational or critical, change the subject or, if necessary, leave the room

Idea #6

The holidays can be a whirlwind of commitments and to-do lists, and visitors, much as you love them and enjoy seeing them, can just add to the stress. If you have just 15 minutes and a quiet corner, do a quick round of yoga practice or meditation. Go to a movie by yourself or with your husband. Call a close friend and take off for a talk and a walk. Go out alone for a quiet breakfast or spend an afternoon at a bookstore, go to a friend's house.

Idea #7

Always find that silver lining. This too will pass. If your visitors ignore you, be thankful that they let you spend time with your own grandchildren. If they treat you like you’re so old you can’t manage your finances, make decisions or drive your own car, thank them for caring and sharing their opinions. Perhaps you can find some common ground, by going through old family albums, making a new album, sharing recipes or watching old home movies or a holiday DVD.

Idea #8

Remember that you are lovable and loved, that nothing lasts forever, that you know your offspring loves you even if it doesn’t seem so. And that a mother is always a mother.


Once a Mother Always a Mother by Nanas_Alley

Once a mother, always a mother .. I'm not giving up my title

Every Mother in Law started as a Mother . by Nanas_Alley

Working on grandparent designs for Valentine's Day (months ahead, it's true, but you have to if you want to keep up!) and I started with a design I did for Mother-in-Laws -- I really liked the design, but it was intended to only be used for a MIL, with the words "in-law" scribbled over the heart and word "mother".

When suddenly it occured to me that I am still a mother. In fact, once a mother, always a mother. This is a phrase most often used by women who have lost their child to death, and I do not want to take anything away from that, or to usurp the phrase.

Still, I felt a need to express that feeling I've seen expressed with much pain many times on the Mother in Laws Unite board . And while I don't go there much anymore, I think to avoid the pain and feeling of being dragged down because of the bitterness and helplessness that seems to fill the site, I think this feeling of being robbed of our position as a mother is what causes those feelings.

Of course there comes a time when the nest is empty and we are supposed to move on to other endeavors. Being a grandparent can fill that need for some. Volunteer work, other friends, other interests. For many of us, though, if there are problems with our children's spouses and we are cut off, in minor or major ways, from being part of their family - if only as the extensions in-laws and grandparents are - then we are left with very little. And worse, we are blamed for it. Because we are not letting go, or because we haven't filled our lives properly. Or both.

I guess I'd never really looked at it thoroughly and thought that I needed to get on with my life. As a single parent who didn't remarry - and who really doesn't want to -- I hadn't realized how empty the nest was going to be.

There is, of course, the son and his wife who live far far away, and with whom there is a riff because of a minor (really) conflict five months ago that remains unresolved. What was once just a physical distance is growing into something more emotional and personal. Since my DIL won't discuss any of this with me, I can only assume that this is more or less an excuse for the distance because (I know) she and her family greatly disapprove of the way I led my life - hippy, loose and untraditional, to say the least. And my housekeeping was always a major shock (I live with dog fur and vaguely remember to sweep when company is coming; she irons her underwear and washes the walls on a regular basis).

And then my second son and his wife (who I adore) but my aforementioned lifestyle has been my undoing. I am an introvert with only a few friends. My house and life have little of excitement to offer. They do their best to come and visit -- it is good for me that I live in an interesting village they love, with friends they want to see -- otherwise, I imagine I would see them less than I do. When a couple is trying to divide their in-law time, it's difficult enough with two sets. They do their best, really, but there is her family, his family and me -- I am somewhat like the odd aunt Ida who they check in on every so often. Maybe I should get Wii or Guitar Hero.

Among my fellow posters on Mother in Laws Unite board , I imagine I'm the oddity. Most seem to be happily married and so at least have a husband and some kind of normal social life to fill their days. But even so, they are in pain and there is nothing that can replace the family feeling we all seemed to have had, back in the days when our children were young and were were granted the title of "Mother".

When you lose that title, and become instead "Mother in Law", things seem to just go downhill.

That doesn't seem to happen for everyone. It may not even happen in the eyes of all of our children and their spouses, but it's the feeling some of us share. Christmas was hard for us -- next comes Valentine's Day, which will be difficult - and then the Big One - Mother's Day, in which several of us are sure not to get anything for Mother's Day. And even if there was a "Mother in Law's Day" -- I think what we would like remembered is, once a mother, always a mother. We aren't giving up our title as Mother and replacing it with MIL or grandmother - those are add ons, not replacements!

Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays!

There's a new year coming - peace and good will to all....

Still Here after Months

Still here after five months of silence from DIL #1 - not much has changed except I think with all of this, I am more appreciative of DIL (#2) I have who is so inclusive with her relatives. My son (her husband) confirms my perception that if she were to disagree with something I said, or did, or how I handled it, she'd have a word or two to say to me!

I approve! I'd much rather be talked to, yelled at, protested to than shut out.

The family dynamics revealed here say a lot about me -- though in no way am I saying I'm entirely at fault for this continuing to be shut out saga -- I have to look at this all and see my part, both as the woman who raised the man involved in this, and as someone who likes to think she is wise enough to solve other people's problems.

The overview, in my opinion, is that as a single parent, I raised my son to be too nice to women - his father had to show him how to defend himself against girls. My other two sons aren't like this, so part of it is probably family position and personality.

DIL (#1) in my opinion doesn't appreciate his softness of heart. I think at least part of her - a good part - despises his easy going personality. And he doesn't stand up for himself. I imagine now she's berating him for being a Mama's Boy for any attempts he's made to stand up for my position (which has been to try to apologize to her for over stepping my bounds).

I also may be entirely wrong. It doesn't matter. Whatever is going on is out of my hands -- I'm sort of the catalyst and a bit player in the demise of my own relationship with my first DIL. It would be a lie to say I'm brokenhearted - I miss contact with my son and the chance to be close to my grandson. My first DIL has said I ruined the relationship with her -- she doesn't seem to see her part in this - by refusing to communicate about what was not a huge deal, she's participating in the ruination. There was no name-calling, no judgment passing, no pattern of stepping in and making demands. It was fixable, however difficult that may have seemed. And I cannot continue apologizing to someone who isn't listening. She's an intelligent, high-maintenance person - my son loves her. Evidently, in her judgment, I failed because I questioned her on something.

Because they are living abroad, even if we got along swimmingly, there would be some distance anyway. This isn't a lack of love for my son and grandson, just a distance that is sad. There's a certain amount of distancing from all three of my sons, because they are grown and separating. I no longer know all kinds of things about them that their wives or girlfriends do -- that's just the way it goes. It's an adjustment for any mother to make. I don't blame it on the women in their lives. It just is.

Life seems to be a series of changes - and how we handle them. Resistance, denial, anger, adjustments, acceptance. Letting go doesn't mean saying good-bye.

I'm not saying good-bye to my son or grandson - and if my DIL refuses to talk to me and no longer likes me, that's her choice. She's part of the package -- as I am. We'll have to work around each other.