God Help Me, But I'm Dense...

So, go ahead, have fun with the negative comments to this one.  I deserve them all.  I am SOOOOO dense, I can't find any excuses for this.

We go back 2 years ago, when my 2nd son is having his first child.  This is his wife's second child, not that that makes a difference, except, I suppose, it wasn't her first.  So she knows about labor and child birth and most likely the delivery room.

I had no need or desire to be present in the delivery room.  Really.  I've had three of my own, I know the scene.  It's exciting, but it's also private.  The only people present at my deliveries were professionals and the parents.  The baby's parents, not the grandparents.  But that was eons ago, mine was an incredibly dysfunctional family - I would never have allowed my mother in the room - the times, the rules have changed.  Really, I don't know what child birth etiquette is these days (I think it is - whatever the mother feels comfortable with - but I didn't bother to check).

My assumption (and we know what happens when you make assumptions) is that my son and his wife had discussed all of this in their childbirth classes and what they wanted was what would happen.  And one of my stupids - I didn't want to upset my son or his wife, I wanted to do what was expected and cool.   If they wanted me there, I'd be there, if not, not.  So I didn't bother communicating on the topic of what did anyone want/expect..what would the mother, of all people, be comfortable with? 

Truly, I don't remember much discussion on this.  Who would be there, where, when, what, why.  I don't.  No talk about who would be watching the older grandchild, if his dad would take him or if he was going to be somewhere in the scene.  Guess I figured this would be revealed at the time.  Figured her mom would be somewhere nearby.  I did not bother to ask.

My cell rang early one morning, my son all excited.  Labor was happening, they were heading to the hospital, be there now, ok?  Er, okay. Now?  Yes, now!  Do you really need me now?  I mean... Yes NOW!  Okay, well.., be there as soon as I can. (it's an hour away from me).

So, long story short, I was there for a good part of the labor.  Her mom and sister were there. Her dad was there, bringing a young toddler her mother was supposed to be babysitting. Once the serious stuff started, only two people allowed aside from husband, and really...although I wouldn't have minded my mother-in-law in there, I'm not my DIL.  But..not really a problem. I took the toddler and slipped out, entertained her for the rest of the time down in the cafeteria, a play room, the waiting room.  (My DIL's dad had gone on to work, happy I think not to be around the birthing!).

My bads during this?  I started to take pix of the labor (not the screaming part, the quiet pretty parts) along with my son but stopped when my DIL asked. This should have been a clue.  No more pix.  That was pretty stupid, but I think I just got carried away by the excitement and was trying to be helpful.  (Take a moment now and scroll down and insert your comments...thoughtless, self-centered, insensitive, I know, I know).

Why do I write about this now?  Because I did not realize, DID NOT REALIZE, for two years, until my DIL and were discussing why I hadn't been allowed to see this grandson for the two months after his birth (except for one brief visit to an event in the town I live in, which I suspect my son insisted I be included in)... this despite my being signed up for 3 days of childcare a week for the new baby, along with aftercare for his brother.   Her reasoning was that she was in that 2 month period learning to breastfeed and recovering from childbirth - and being self conscious as these were intimate things that involved her body, etc.  So she only wanted her mother, (and the other in-laws - my son's dad and his wife,) around. Not me.

Oh. Okay.  They are planning another child, who I'll be taking care of, so I said, well, I hope that will change a little for the next child (meaning the 2 month shut out, not the MIL being there at childbirth, because I hadn't yet grasped that.)

  She said, "not necessarily."  

Oh. My.  Okay.

So, I've started thinking about this.  I'm SLOW, okay?  It dawned (SLOWLY) on me that if the breastfeeding and childbirth recovery were intimate and my presence 2 months after childbirth felt like an intrusion - imagine how my presence at the  birth (the labor anyway) must have felt.  It then CRASHED on me that perhaps (no kidding) she would have preferred that I not be there at all.

Oi.  Why didn't I think of that?  And yes, it would have been good to have had that spelled out for me, but really.  Why. did. I. not. think. of. that?  Because, I swear to you, I am self-centered and assume people like me and want me around and would be comfortable telling me if they didn't.

So, my word to DIL's.  If you don't want your MIL present at your child's birth, either you tell her, or you tell your husband to tell her.  It isn't unreasonable, even if she thinks so.  Even if you want your mother there and not your MIL.  If that's how you feel, that's how if needs to be - you need to be feeling comfortable! Any woman should understand this - (I mean, ask her - did she have her MIL present at  her son's birth?)  Even if she takes it personally, she hopefully will get over it.

My advise to MIL's - unless your DIL openly and cheerfully tells you she wants you in the delivery room, don't assume you're invited.  Don't invite yourself.  Don't assume if your son invites you that your DIL wants you there.  And if she doesn't, don't take it personally.   You're still the grandmother, even if you weren't present at the birth.

If you don't talk these things out, I think they come out in other ways.  They spill out even if you don't want them to, and a relationship that is good can sour. One that is bad will get worse.

It's scary to talk about it, but I swear, this is how we create or contribute to the problems in our lives.

As for me, I feel so stupid that I didn't see this - looking back now, it's clear and reasonable - I get it.  And this time, I'm going to ask my son and his wife what I can do during their next child's birth to help out.  It may be a good idea to apologize to my DIL - and let her know we're good.

On Being Human...

I do not know how much more I'll be writing in here - it has been so helpful to me in the process of becoming a mother in law.  And a better person, I hope.

For me, here's the thing.  I have discovered a lot about myself in the process of finding out about myself as a mother-in-law.  Any flaws (and as a poster said somewhere in here, we all have them) you have as a person are going to come out as a mother-in-law.  They'll come out anytime you interact with other people, but for me the MIL thing has been illuminating.

Despite the tendency I see on-line for MIL's to get a lot of blame for being terrible people, we really are just people.  Some of may be terrible, but most probably are not so terrible.  If you are a DIL, chances are good you will someday be a MIL, too.

Compassion on all sides is what will get us through.  I don't have a lot of that naturally, but I'm working on it.  In my life I have done a lot of things that I now can see were not going to lead me to a place where I would be appreciated as a wise and wonderful person, let alone a wise and wonderful mother-in-law.  That was when I was a daughter, wife, daughter-in-law.   And although I used to like to fantasize little "what if" stories in my head -- "what if I hadn't done this", "what if I had done that", "what if I could go back and do this", "what if ..."  there is no "what if".   There is only now. 

So, I am thankful that I am able to learn from the mistakes I have made and continue to make, that most of the people around me are forgiving and I can carry on, learning not to be so unforgiving and selfish myself.

In short, life is turning out to be good, though never perfect.

Let us forgive ourselves and each other - we all want to be happy or free from suffering.  It is possible.