Nothing much more to say

And so,life goes on..nothing much more to say, for now.

Having written the thank you to my former MIL, and also a note of apology to my first DIL, all remains silent. There is a side of being a MIL that is very much in the background. Itmay be my apology has not been accepted - or that their are other more important things going on -- I am not the center, I know that, and it doesn't cause me any strong feelings. It is what it is.

Apologies do not need to be accepted -- I am surprised how I am not angry or saddened by the silence. I've done what I could. Time to move on with my own life.

My plan is to take off soon - when I am 62, my youngest will be off to college, we do hope if finances work for us. And that will somewhat end 42 years of being a full time mother.

My plan at this moment is to take off myself for a year or so in an RV... we'll see if that works. But how does that fit in to relationships with sons and their wives? I suspect as long as I am not needed, it's fine. I'm in the background of their lives, though it is still the centerfold of my own.

A thank you note...

After attending the funeral of my First Mother-in-Law -- not too awkward, as my First Husband and I seem to be on friendly terms now -- I came home and penned a note to my Second Mother In Law who celebrated her 81st birthday on the day of the funeral.

There's nothing like a funeral to remind you how short life is!

I haven't seen Barbara (MIL 2nd) for a long time, but we do ask after each other through our mutual contact, my son, her grandson. My note was just a one page thank you as I come to recognize how difficult it can be to be a Good Mother in Law -- which Barbara was.

As was Rosemary (MIL 1st). I have seen her a few times over the years, staying in touch through our mutual contact, my first son, her first grandson. I saw her just two summers ago, but she was suffering from the effects of Parkinson's. She didn't recognize me - her face lit up, though, when I explained I was my son's mother. She recognized his name, and a familiar smile spread across her face.

How I wish I had told her before then what a wonderful Mother In Law she was to me - I don't know that it would have mattered as much to her as it would have to me, to have let someone special know what they meant to me. I hope she knew it.

All two of my MIL's have wonderful relationships with their grandchildren - I think that is one aspect of being a good MIL. I'm wondering if it is even possible to be a good MIL without being a good grandmother, and vice versa....

Memories of Mother In Law Stuff

When I was first married, my husband was more worried about what his mother thought of me than I was! I remember him watching me cut the lettuce for a salad, and telling me that his mother always tore her lettuce (she wasn't coming for dinner or anything). I also had real short hair and a little "fall" I wanted to wear, to make my hair look long. He told me disapprovingly that his mother would never go for that kind of fake look.

(I will bite my tongue here from making any comments about his second wife - who was beautiful but.....bite bite bite)

My second husband when watching me tear the lettuce as I had now become accustomed to do said, "What are you doing? My mother doesn't do that - you're supposed to cut it."

So, some of the problems DIL's have with their mother in laws may be fed to them from their husbands, without the MIL's even knowing or caring!

My MIL porno!

I feel somewhat hot -- my other design got rejected because:

o Design may be considered obscene, pornographic, or sexually suggestive, including most depictions of artistic nudity.


MIL porn! 

What a disappointment, yes? for the gentlemen who come here after finding this as a result of a search for porn on the internet...  a laugh on them! 

OMG, the US Postal Service and Mother in Laws!

In my e-mail I got this rejection notice about some postage stamps I'd designed -- it was refused as a design on zazzle. Mind you, they don't care about the quality of the artwork, so it wasn't because my cartoons are judged inferior. (and note, since then it has been OK'd -- seems the offending part was because I'd had her saying "Oh God"...too religious, evidently.


At the reception... postage stamps No, here's the reason:

o Design incorporates material the primary purpose of which is to advocate or protest any particular religious, social, political, legal or moral agenda of any person or entity.



Another design was also refused and never did make it as a stamp..this my favorite so far, I'll be wearing a t-shirt with this on it soon:



Ever since she was a little girl post card


I'm not quite sure how to take all this -- am I protesting or advocating myself as a Mother in Law? Or did the person doing the review just look at the name "Mother in Law" and see an insult? Or do they just have no sense of humor, or is mine so dry nobody gets it?

On Holding your tongue and forsaking others

The one thing I took home with me was an appreciation for how difficult it is to be a mother-in-law sometimes. It isn't all smiles and buying gifts and baking apple pies (or whatever the ideal mother-in-law does).

You have to know when to shut your mouth, and you have to then, shut your mouth. There are things that are none of your business -- most everything -- as your former "child", now an adult, goes about setting up his or her own household. It isn't easy.



Duct tape comes in handy

I suppose, in some way, you have to think of this as if these were friends of yours, sensitive friends and before stepping in ask yourself some questions.

If you want to comment on things like child-rearing, buying a house, how a kitchen is arranged - would you say this to your friends? Would you have wanted your friends (or your own MIL) to comment on this to you?

Holiday plans, visiting the other in-laws instead of coming to see you -- that's a bit more sensitive. Feelings get hurt and I am still not sure what to do with that. I've suggested to my local son and his wife that they consider being the hosts instead of trying to visit her family and his here. But his other family is hundreds of miles away, and they want to see them too.

I don't think you have to "suffer in silence" but you don't have to send out guilt laden messages either. "We'll miss you" is enough. And then go on with your life. If you only have one child and no spouse -- you need to get a life.

My thought was that there are times when a MIL needs to speak out, also -- that takes a certain amount of reflection and bravery. Others disagree -- you need to always Keep Your Mouth Shut

One of the things I pulled out of this incident was that it would have been better had I spoken up two months ago when I saw the things I wanted to address, instead of waiting and then bringing it up at this emotionally laden time (funeral of my son's favorite grandmother).

In self-defense, it was hard because I wasn't sure what the MIL 'rules' were -- would I be intruding or was it OK? At that time I was a visitor in their home. Instead of speaking out, I took the concerns home and talked to a couple of my BFF's about it and figured if I still saw what I'd seen on the next visit (probably another year to 6 months away), then I could bring it up. This funeral, of course, was sudden. And the issues were still there, probably magnified by the emotional surroundings of the event. Perhaps out of proportion, perhaps not.

As with knowing when to keep your mouth shut, I suppose a MIL should ask the same questions before bringing up a delicate issue.

Is this something I would bring up with married friends?
Is this something I would want my own friends (or in-laws) to point out to me in my own life?
and-- Is this the time? Is this the place?

After coming back from the funeral, I wrote a note to my second MIL, who just celebrated her 81st birthday. I wanted to thank her for being my MIL and mention a time when she approached me on a sensitive issue (I'd gone back to my maiden name while married, a big issue for the family - and a year later, I moved out - something she had been concerned about). I wanted to let her know I appreciated her and knew that conversation could not have been easy. At the time I didn't understand, and maybe she didn't either as I was her first DIL, how difficult that might have been.

Marriage is both a private thing and a community thing, especially in the family. I think if there are 'issues' a MIL sees that indicate a marriage might be troubled, then someone needs to point them out and ask if all is OK.

Not pass judgements, give solutions or offer cures, but just point them out - like, "the emperor has no clothes". Because sometimes people who are in the midst of something can't,won't, or don't want to see clearly.

However a MIL needs to remember that "Forsaking all others" means her too, if push comes to shove. And to consider that maybe it isn't up to her to bring an issue up - maybe it will resolve on it's own, without her 'help'. It's really hard for some of us to step aside and watch and in this new and undefined 'job' as MIL, to know what to do. Mistakes will be made.

When approaching a sensitive issue, if you come into conflict with your child's spouse, you are risking several relationships. You have to know that your child must choose their spouse over you and you should never enter into a conflict wanting to 'win'.

If you alienate your offspring's spouse, you are making life difficult for your child. You are putting a weight on their marriage they do not need. You may be the weight they get rid of, to save their marriage. If there are grandchildren involved, you could lose contact with them. Even if you don't lose contact with them, you may be creating a dysfunctional weighty situation within the family.

So, before speaking out on what seems an important issue, a MIL needs to be certain it is worth the risks.

It is a scary thing to do, and as with any whistle blower, you will not be thanked. You are more likely to be attacked, misunderstood and fired.

At the moment, I think that's where I am. Fired. I realize I could have been wrong to do this at all. Or in how I did, where I did it, or wrong in my assumptions. What I saw could have been misinterpreted. All I did, though, was say, I'm concerned --is everything OK, here's what I have been hearing in my last two visits this is how it looks.

At this point, all I can do is wait and be open.

Coincidence or Cause?

I find it ironic that the problems I had with my daughter in law came at the funeral of my former mother in law. Perhaps there's a lesson there.

Don't bring up "issues" at emotionally loaded events -- funerals, weddings, holidays. Of course, that's probably when we want to bring them up. Although I was not aware that I was emotionally fragile at the time, that might have been a delusion! And certainly my son was. And he was the one who took our conversation and ran with it, to his wife who was feeling like an outsider and wasn't aware that I really was the ultimate outsider there - former daughter-in-law a guest in the house of my newly divorced ex-husband and his brother and family.

As my former brother-in-law would say, "What a scene".

God help me, I'm a Mother in Law...

This is a realization that just came to me after an incident with one of my DIL's. The specifics aren't important, and to share them only add fuel to the fire I think (though I may change my mind on that later). But the interaction was one that apparently shifted me from good to evil, despite 8 years of knowing when to step aside and mind my tongue.

I've been a MIL longer than I was a DIL but my own MIL's were so wonderful, I thought this was an easy gig. After 8 years of being a long distance MIL, I'm finding it isn't so easy. And there are no guidelines passed down from generation to generation.

There's common sense mixed in with personal issues. Being a MIL isn't something most of us signed up for, but the majority of us do the best we can.

We get pummeled by our own human error and frailties, mixed in with the stereotypes, bad jokes (only to the MIL you note, never to the FIL) and out and out hatred in some cases of Mother in Laws. And not just someone's particular MIL, but ALL Mother in Laws.

I signed up to be a mother, and was thrilled to be a grandmother. I was even eager to be my sons' wives loving mother in law.

I just wasn't signed up to be tagged as an evil, controlling bitch aka a MOTHER IN LAW.

We all know the rules and we learn to follow them.

Don't give advice you're not asked to give (and even then, be cautious and careful, making sure you're clear it's only your opinion).

Call before coming, don't show up univited.

Stay away from offering negative opinions on their child-rearing and their finances,though it's fine to offer positive opinions on all of that.

Don't compare what they are doing with how you used to do it, or how you would do it, or how it 'should be done'.

When visiting, do things their way, not yours.

Remember that what you say to your SIL or DIL may be taken differently from how it is offered -- you may just be offering a memory or an opinion, but because you are THE MOTHER IN LAW, it may be received as a direct order, a criticism, a judgement call...

But there is this grey area to me. In my mind, I do believe the family does have a partial role in the health of the marriage. I didn't have that in my marriage, and though perhaps that would have made no difference, I have to wonder.

When I went to my first son's wedding, which included a huge Middle Eastern extended family, I realized that the family is a part of the marriage. When I thought about the effects a divorce would have on the relationships of our family to hers, again I thought, this marriage is more than just between two people - it is the marriage of two families. This is marriage the old fashioned way, with some traditional and religious connections. And I like it -- though many parts of a marriage are a private affair, the overall picture is not -- the health and support of a marriage is a job of more than just the couple -- it requires the help of the community and the family. I don't find that intrusive, as long as you aren't meddling in someone's bedroom and private affairs. But of course, if you are considering leaving a marriage and there are people stepping in to ask you to think about it, you would consider that intrusive.

Some things are not easy. Leaving a marriage, stopping abusing your spouse or child, giving up drugs, hiding an affair... none of those are easy. I'm not digressing, really.

What does a Mother in Law do if she thinks she senses trouble in the marriage, unhappiness in her DIL? What if she sees abuse - verbal or physical - of a spouse, a child, or of the person themself, shouldn't she say something? What about drug or alcohol abuse?

Does she say something, ever and risk being called intrusive, nosy, wrong? Or does she wait and three years from now when they announce they're getting a divorce, say, "You know, I thought there was something happening, maybe I should have said something?"

And if she should have said something, what should she have said? And to whom? And what? and How? And if she was wrong, is there room for forgiveness?