God help me, I'm a Mother in Law...

This is a realization that just came to me after an incident with one of my DIL's. The specifics aren't important, and to share them only add fuel to the fire I think (though I may change my mind on that later). But the interaction was one that apparently shifted me from good to evil, despite 8 years of knowing when to step aside and mind my tongue.

I've been a MIL longer than I was a DIL but my own MIL's were so wonderful, I thought this was an easy gig. After 8 years of being a long distance MIL, I'm finding it isn't so easy. And there are no guidelines passed down from generation to generation.

There's common sense mixed in with personal issues. Being a MIL isn't something most of us signed up for, but the majority of us do the best we can.

We get pummeled by our own human error and frailties, mixed in with the stereotypes, bad jokes (only to the MIL you note, never to the FIL) and out and out hatred in some cases of Mother in Laws. And not just someone's particular MIL, but ALL Mother in Laws.

I signed up to be a mother, and was thrilled to be a grandmother. I was even eager to be my sons' wives loving mother in law.

I just wasn't signed up to be tagged as an evil, controlling bitch aka a MOTHER IN LAW.

We all know the rules and we learn to follow them.

Don't give advice you're not asked to give (and even then, be cautious and careful, making sure you're clear it's only your opinion).

Call before coming, don't show up univited.

Stay away from offering negative opinions on their child-rearing and their finances,though it's fine to offer positive opinions on all of that.

Don't compare what they are doing with how you used to do it, or how you would do it, or how it 'should be done'.

When visiting, do things their way, not yours.

Remember that what you say to your SIL or DIL may be taken differently from how it is offered -- you may just be offering a memory or an opinion, but because you are THE MOTHER IN LAW, it may be received as a direct order, a criticism, a judgement call...

But there is this grey area to me. In my mind, I do believe the family does have a partial role in the health of the marriage. I didn't have that in my marriage, and though perhaps that would have made no difference, I have to wonder.

When I went to my first son's wedding, which included a huge Middle Eastern extended family, I realized that the family is a part of the marriage. When I thought about the effects a divorce would have on the relationships of our family to hers, again I thought, this marriage is more than just between two people - it is the marriage of two families. This is marriage the old fashioned way, with some traditional and religious connections. And I like it -- though many parts of a marriage are a private affair, the overall picture is not -- the health and support of a marriage is a job of more than just the couple -- it requires the help of the community and the family. I don't find that intrusive, as long as you aren't meddling in someone's bedroom and private affairs. But of course, if you are considering leaving a marriage and there are people stepping in to ask you to think about it, you would consider that intrusive.

Some things are not easy. Leaving a marriage, stopping abusing your spouse or child, giving up drugs, hiding an affair... none of those are easy. I'm not digressing, really.

What does a Mother in Law do if she thinks she senses trouble in the marriage, unhappiness in her DIL? What if she sees abuse - verbal or physical - of a spouse, a child, or of the person themself, shouldn't she say something? What about drug or alcohol abuse?

Does she say something, ever and risk being called intrusive, nosy, wrong? Or does she wait and three years from now when they announce they're getting a divorce, say, "You know, I thought there was something happening, maybe I should have said something?"

And if she should have said something, what should she have said? And to whom? And what? and How? And if she was wrong, is there room for forgiveness?