Being a Mother in Law is something some of us aren't prepared for, especially when the stereotypical description comes loaded with bad jokes, accusations and hate. What's a MIL to do?
I came across this article by William Sutcliffe and found it very enlightening... I wish his mother had a book or a blog out, she's a kindred soul with a wise mind, to me.
When son William calls her up to discuss his new book about to come out (about three somewhat meddling women who are led to motivate their 34 year old unmarried sons to get on with their lives), he's surprised somewhat at her reaction both about the book which (in his words) ".. suggests that, after all the effort women put into the first 18 years of their sons’ lives, what is subsequently given back is a pretty meagre reward."
His mother seems to have come to some acceptance and understanding of this -- probably in a longer and more painful process than is reflected in this article (though, then again, I say with a bit of humor, they are Brits, a bit more stoic and probably not led to the public wailing and moaning we Americans are want to do)
William's mum explains:
“All mothers feel the pain of no longer being needed, but we don’t admit to it,” she confesses eventually. "
“It’s not an unmixed pain, though,” she says, hiding a little behind the double negative. “You wouldn’t want it any other way.”
When I ask her why nobody admits to it, she says: “You don’t want to seem abject.” She is rather pleased with her choice of word. I ask her what she means by it, and she comes up with another.
“Discarded. You know that you’ve been discarded. You passionately want your son to find the right woman, but you know that when it happens, you are cast aside.”
For some, the holidays are a wonderful time to spend with family – it’s wonderful to spend time with children, their spouses, grandchildren who you may not get to see often. For some of us, the holidays are a mixed blessing because the new families often wish to spend time with their own families, or must divide their time with his family and her family (which can include stepfamilies – sometimes the married couple's level, sometimes on the children’s level). Family traditions ~ the old and the new ~ also vary. There may be only slightly veiled tensions due to unrealistic expectations about which family style is correct, plus time tensions and things we are not aware of.
If you’ve invited your grown children, their spouses and your grandchildren to visit for the holidays (or they've invited themselves), here are some ideas to help get through the holidays without too many major disappointments.
Idea # 1
Know who your contact person in their family is – your grown child or their spouse. Prior to the visit, send a request for information regarding the length of the visit, sleeping accommodations, meal and special food preferences and times, babysitting needs and schedule, laundry, dry cleaning and general safety requirements, as well as boarding needs for any accompanying pets.
If needed, use the services of a good mediation service if any responses seem they might create conflict.
Idea #2
Send out quality R.S.V.P. invitations to events you would like them to participate in – be cheerful, pleasant and loving if they cannot attend any of them, for they have lives of their own.
Attend them yourself, even if they don’t.
Idea #3
Make use of a reliable cleaning service to prepare your home for the visitors, adjusting the normal cleanliness or dust levels to a higher or lower level to match the comfort zone of your visitors.
You will be judged as harshly for a house that is seen as too clean as for a house that is seen as too dirty.
Consider retaining these services until after the visit is over for a truly stress free visit.
Make sure the pantry and refrigerator are stocked with approved foods or cleared of those not approved.
Idea #4
Be flexible. Although you may have used the schedule received to cancel normal activities to be on hand for your visitors, be aware that their plans may change at any moment.
To avoid being labeled as selfish and self-centered, be ready to drop everything in order to babysit, pet sit or whatever is required, as well as to cheerfully cancel any personal plans you may have already made.
Idea #5
Bury old grudges. Leaving old arguments and problems behind gives you a clean slate for the holiday. If there is tension between you, and your son or daughter in law can’t seem to let go, you can still make an effort to rise above their efforts to pull you into controversial discussions. When troubling topics enter the discussion or when the tone shifts to being confrontational or critical, change the subject or, if necessary, leave the room
Idea #6
The holidays can be a whirlwind of commitments and to-do lists, and visitors, much as you love them and enjoy seeing them, can just add to the stress. If you have just 15 minutes and a quiet corner, do a quick round of yoga practice or meditation. Go to a movie by yourself or with your husband. Call a close friend and take off for a talk and a walk. Go out alone for a quiet breakfast or spend an afternoon at a bookstore, go to a friend's house.
Idea #7
Always find that silver lining. This too will pass. If your visitors ignore you, be thankful that they let you spend time with your own grandchildren. If they treat you like you’re so old you can’t manage your finances, make decisions or drive your own car, thank them for caring and sharing their opinions. Perhaps you can find some common ground, by going through old family albums, making a new album, sharing recipes or watching old home movies or a holiday DVD.
Idea #8
Remember that you are lovable and loved, that nothing lasts forever, that you know your offspring loves you even if it doesn’t seem so. And that a mother is always a mother.
Working on grandparent designs for Valentine's Day (months ahead, it's true, but you have to if you want to keep up!) and I started with a design I did for Mother-in-Laws -- I really liked the design, but it was intended to only be used for a MIL, with the words "in-law" scribbled over the heart and word "mother".
When suddenly it occured to me that I am still a mother. In fact, once a mother, always a mother. This is a phrase most often used by women who have lost their child to death, and I do not want to take anything away from that, or to usurp the phrase.
Still, I felt a need to express that feeling I've seen expressed with much pain many times on the Mother in Laws Unite board . And while I don't go there much anymore, I think to avoid the pain and feeling of being dragged down because of the bitterness and helplessness that seems to fill the site, I think this feeling of being robbed of our position as a mother is what causes those feelings.
Of course there comes a time when the nest is empty and we are supposed to move on to other endeavors. Being a grandparent can fill that need for some. Volunteer work, other friends, other interests. For many of us, though, if there are problems with our children's spouses and we are cut off, in minor or major ways, from being part of their family - if only as the extensions in-laws and grandparents are - then we are left with very little. And worse, we are blamed for it. Because we are not letting go, or because we haven't filled our lives properly. Or both.
I guess I'd never really looked at it thoroughly and thought that I needed to get on with my life. As a single parent who didn't remarry - and who really doesn't want to -- I hadn't realized how empty the nest was going to be.
There is, of course, the son and his wife who live far far away, and with whom there is a riff because of a minor (really) conflict five months ago that remains unresolved. What was once just a physical distance is growing into something more emotional and personal. Since my DIL won't discuss any of this with me, I can only assume that this is more or less an excuse for the distance because (I know) she and her family greatly disapprove of the way I led my life - hippy, loose and untraditional, to say the least. And my housekeeping was always a major shock (I live with dog fur and vaguely remember to sweep when company is coming; she irons her underwear and washes the walls on a regular basis).
And then my second son and his wife (who I adore) but my aforementioned lifestyle has been my undoing. I am an introvert with only a few friends. My house and life have little of excitement to offer. They do their best to come and visit -- it is good for me that I live in an interesting village they love, with friends they want to see -- otherwise, I imagine I would see them less than I do. When a couple is trying to divide their in-law time, it's difficult enough with two sets. They do their best, really, but there is her family, his family and me -- I am somewhat like the odd aunt Ida who they check in on every so often. Maybe I should get Wii or Guitar Hero.
Among my fellow posters on Mother in Laws Unite board , I imagine I'm the oddity. Most seem to be happily married and so at least have a husband and some kind of normal social life to fill their days. But even so, they are in pain and there is nothing that can replace the family feeling we all seemed to have had, back in the days when our children were young and were were granted the title of "Mother".
When you lose that title, and become instead "Mother in Law", things seem to just go downhill.
That doesn't seem to happen for everyone. It may not even happen in the eyes of all of our children and their spouses, but it's the feeling some of us share. Christmas was hard for us -- next comes Valentine's Day, which will be difficult - and then the Big One - Mother's Day, in which several of us are sure not to get anything for Mother's Day. And even if there was a "Mother in Law's Day" -- I think what we would like remembered is, once a mother, always a mother. We aren't giving up our title as Mother and replacing it with MIL or grandmother - those are add ons, not replacements!
Still here after five months of silence from DIL #1 - not much has changed except I think with all of this, I am more appreciative of DIL (#2) I have who is so inclusive with her relatives. My son (her husband) confirms my perception that if she were to disagree with something I said, or did, or how I handled it, she'd have a word or two to say to me!
I approve! I'd much rather be talked to, yelled at, protested to than shut out.
The family dynamics revealed here say a lot about me -- though in no way am I saying I'm entirely at fault for this continuing to be shut out saga -- I have to look at this all and see my part, both as the woman who raised the man involved in this, and as someone who likes to think she is wise enough to solve other people's problems.
The overview, in my opinion, is that as a single parent, I raised my son to be too nice to women - his father had to show him how to defend himself against girls. My other two sons aren't like this, so part of it is probably family position and personality.
DIL (#1) in my opinion doesn't appreciate his softness of heart. I think at least part of her - a good part - despises his easy going personality. And he doesn't stand up for himself. I imagine now she's berating him for being a Mama's Boy for any attempts he's made to stand up for my position (which has been to try to apologize to her for over stepping my bounds).
I also may be entirely wrong. It doesn't matter. Whatever is going on is out of my hands -- I'm sort of the catalyst and a bit player in the demise of my own relationship with my first DIL. It would be a lie to say I'm brokenhearted - I miss contact with my son and the chance to be close to my grandson. My first DIL has said I ruined the relationship with her -- she doesn't seem to see her part in this - by refusing to communicate about what was not a huge deal, she's participating in the ruination. There was no name-calling, no judgment passing, no pattern of stepping in and making demands. It was fixable, however difficult that may have seemed. And I cannot continue apologizing to someone who isn't listening. She's an intelligent, high-maintenance person - my son loves her. Evidently, in her judgment, I failed because I questioned her on something.
Because they are living abroad, even if we got along swimmingly, there would be some distance anyway. This isn't a lack of love for my son and grandson, just a distance that is sad. There's a certain amount of distancing from all three of my sons, because they are grown and separating. I no longer know all kinds of things about them that their wives or girlfriends do -- that's just the way it goes. It's an adjustment for any mother to make. I don't blame it on the women in their lives. It just is.
Life seems to be a series of changes - and how we handle them. Resistance, denial, anger, adjustments, acceptance. Letting go doesn't mean saying good-bye.
I'm not saying good-bye to my son or grandson - and if my DIL refuses to talk to me and no longer likes me, that's her choice. She's part of the package -- as I am. We'll have to work around each other.
The more I read and talk to MIL's the more it seems to me that a good deal of the problems between MIL and DIL's that aren't caused by control issues on either side or serious emotional problems have to do with our inexperience.
In my case, it isn't just my inexperience as a MIL -- my first DIL, who's been married seven years, now has more experience as a wife than I do. Sad for me, but true. Our run in had to do with my attempting to offer relationship advice. As I look back, that's a sit com tragi-drama in the making! Or not -- maybe those of us who have failed at relationships want as much - if not more - than others to stop a divorce in their offspring's family.
Of course, we need to stay out of it - I learned the hard way. Whatever they are going through - if anything - is how they are developing and deepening their relationship.
Unfortunately, nearly 3 months later it doesn't matter. Though I don't think I pried, just tried to open a conversation that could have been shut with a simple - stay out of this - and though I apologized, things are never going to be the same. Not necessarily in a 'growing' good way.
It would be helpful to any Mother in Law, Daughter in Law relationship if people could cut each other a break. Instead of assuming the worst intentions, allow for human nature with all of its flaws to have had a hand in whatever went on.
On the bright side, I think whatever has been lost here has been a gain for my second DIL and probably will be for DIL #3 (whenever that happens -- hopefully not for a good 10 years as my youngest son is only 18!).
Peace out.... :)
Friday, September 11, 2009
I'm having too much fun trying to find some humor in this MIL-ing. If given my choice, I'd hand in my resignation and just be Nana or a friend of the family -- which might be more than I'm currently being offered.
Some of the keys to being a "good" MIL I think have to do with knowing when to keep your mouth shut, which is most of the time.
We need lives and interests of our own, and to let our Children Go.
With my youngest now 18, but still in high school -- I still am practicing this. It's still painful and difficult and joyful to watch him grow up and go out on his own. We visited his girlfriend on her college campus and I had to remind myself then that it wasn't really "we" visiting her.
It was "me" taking him there to visit her. If he could have driven himself, my company wouldn't have been needed (we were on the way back to his boarding school -- so my transportation was necessary).
The important thing for me to hold onto is that when the two of them walked off alone, leaving me to wander around by myself, it was not a case of me being "left out". It wasn't the beginning of some vicious plot by "her" to take him away from me. From the readings of some other MIL's, and from my own feelings, I realize we often feel this way. But it just isn't so.
They are a young couple -- and my company isn't needed. This is true of the young couple setting up a family of their own. This is the second bit of wisdom from wise MIL's -- don't take it personally, which flows right into the third bit -- have a life of your own!
I'm talkin' to myself. Which is fine, I don't usually take the time to write in a journal and when I do, I have entries written in different places - and I certainly don't have a journal focusing on one topic. It had been my hope to get conversation going with other MIL's but from what I see, most of that's happening in other places. That's fine, I can scribble thoughts to myself.
Ha, my dark thoughts today. On a forum a DIL wrote in response to something I'd said that "he is not the man you sleep next to at night," and "he is not the man you have to raise a child with." Now, of course this is taken a bit out of context -- she was trying to make the point that I don't know what's going on with them but the choice of the wording made me cringe.
When speaking to a man's mother, I think I would go in a different direction. Like, I'd say, "you don't understand what goes on behind closed doors," or words to that effect. If talking to "another woman", one who seemed to think she could replace the wife, I might let her know she wasn't in the wife's position, and I would use those words, to let her know she was not competition because she was not the one who slept in the same bed with him or was raising children with him.
So, I start to wonder -- on some unconscious level, do DIL's see MIL's as "competition" in that way? What Oedipal forces are at work here?
We are not competition. We have different roles in the man in question's life. A husband's love for his mother is not competition -- he's not cheating on the wife if he spends time with his mother. And yet, when he forsakes all others, that doesn't mean he abandons his parents.
I'm the mother, you are the wife. I don't want to sleep with him, that's not what this is about. Regardless of what Freudian undertones there are to any relationship, IMHO no woman in her right mind would want to sleep with her son. Yeee gads. Nor do I want to raise his children. I already raised him, thank you very much. Perhaps this is why some DIL's seem to go haywire, not wanting their husband's mother around her own grandchildren. Somewhere there lurks a subconscious fear that there is a competitor in the midst. In that case, I would have to suggest therapy would be helpful.
So, here's what I would like to clarify to the DIL's.
I am still his mother, though he's no longer a child and he is now your husband. That doesn't mean I'm giving him up, or that you are taking him away. We can both love him - you as the wife, me as the mother. You did not love him like I do and never can because I'm the mother. I cannot love him like you do because you're the wife. If that doesn't make the point, let me add a few more things.
You did not birth him. You did not raise him. I have loved him while he was bald and his pants were full of pee and poop. If you're lucky, your day will come. I have loved him even when he threw up on me, even when he threw himself on the floor and screamed "I don't wuv you!", even when he slammed his door and said, "None of your business!" I loved him before he was born, I loved him the second I saw him, I learned what unconditional love meant from him. And now I get to love him unconditionally, without having to nag him about picking up his room, getting up on time, or taking out the trash. You can do all that now. I will never believe he's cheating on me. Even if I did, I'd never divorce him. He and I are truly "til death do we part."
So, nope, I cannot love him like you do, you're the wife.
Here's an awakening for me, as a Mother in Law. This comes out of work I'm doing in a non-MIL book, the not so big life, by Sarah Susanka (author of the not so big house).
The Big News from my self to me is, my DIL's do not have to and may not like me. May be they'll like me some of the time. Maybe they won't like me at all. Maybe they'll like me sometimes, and sometimes my welcome will wear thin on them. Maybe they don't want to spend their free time with me.
Holy crap.
And so? So what? What does that mean? Are they evil? Am I evil? I don't think so - I think it just means what it says. It is what it is.
From the reading and work I've done on the not so big life book came an epiphany - not everyone is going to like me. Not only that, even those that do like me aren't going to like me all the time or want to be with me as much as I want to be with them.
That may not be news to you, but it's news to me. I've always thought that if I worked hard enough, did everything right (even if I wasn't always "nice" -- i.e., if I was at least honest) I would be liked and admired for my goodness and other wonderful personality traits. But of course, that's not so.
This epiphany also turned on a light in the MIL - DIL portion of my brain. A while ago I came to realize that the reason my first MIL stayed in touch with me was not because I was someone she just couldn't get enough of (though she was really a kind and caring person, along with being funny, practical and keen), but because as the custodial parent for most of the time my son was growing up, I was the contact person. Staying in touch with me, being nice, remembering birthdays and including me in her yearly Christmas newsletter was also smart. This didn't stop after my son and his dad started spending more time together, because she didn't do that as a manipulative ploy. She also, I think, was trying to like me despite myself.
In any case, what now comes to me, as the light brightens or spreads out, is the realization that just because you or I are MIL's doesn't mean our DIL's necessarily like us. That was a shocker to me -- I'd always assumed my son's girlfriends, and then later their wives, just thought I was the most wonderful mother and potential mother in law around. Surely they enjoyed my wit and humor! They found my housekeeping methods amusing, if a bit unorthodox. I'd always thought if we hadn't met through my sons but through work, we might have been friendly co-workers.
Now, with this newly shed light, I'm not so sure. Because after a few years of the newness of it all have worn off, as a wife becomes confident that they are indeed the main woman in their husband's life, perhaps it isn't so necessary to try so hard to force herself to put up with a MIL's odd behavior, to her too personal or too impersonal behavior, to forcing herself to like someone who seems a bit.. incompatible.. to her.
As I roam around the boards and read books and listen to other MIL's, I do hear comments along the lines of "she isn't who I would have chosen for him, but..." or "I am trying to like her because my son loves her but..."
Guess what? The reverse may also be true. Just as we don't choose our children's spouses, they don't choose their spouses' parents. And yet most of our children's mates are going to start of trying to like us -- after all, we're the ones that spawned the person they fell in love with. There must be something about us that is related to the aspects of their partner that they love? And maybe they would like us, if we gave them enough reason and space. I have to ask myself - how much would I like any woman who seemed to be a constant presence in my life with my husband?
After awhile, wouldn't her welcome wear thin? And wouldn't it be possible that welcome would grow even thinner if I had to present on the outside some kind of externally glowing smile, in order to not upset my husband? Good God, I think I'd grow weary of it sooner rather than later!
In the midst of all this, my 2nd son had invited me to go to dinner and a movie one Friday night with his wife and himself. Keen, I thought - I had just dropped off my youngest at school and had no date, hadn't seen them in a month - they'd just been away spending their vacation with his dad and step-mom.
Then I read her post on Facebook, posted before he'd sent me the e-mail invite. "Looking forward to going a movie with my hubby Friday night" she'd written.
My new light flashed urgently, much as I wanted to ignore it. "Read that!!!" it shrieked.
"I read it, she's looking forward to the movie," I told myself.
"Read that, read that, read that!!!" it shrieked again.
I read it and sighed. "So?"
"Think!!!!" it screamed at me. "Remember the last movie you went to with them?"
A dim older light flickered off and on - yes, I recalled. My DIL had seemed distant and grumpy that night. I'd written it off to her being tired from a long work week, or maybe she and he had had some kind of argument. Whatever -- I shrugged it off.
"Seeeeeee?????" my bright new light flashed brightly at me.
"Hmmmm". I had to admit -- if I looked at this from a DIL standpoint - after spending two weeks with my husband's other parents (much as I enjoyed that), how would I feel sharing our first Friday night back home going out for a romantic dinner and movie with.... my Mother in Law.
So, I e-mailed my son and backed out -- you know, there are a lot of other things I can do. And we can get together another time - it doesn't have to be on their Friday night date night!
I thought back to my last conversation with that same DIL, in which she kept asking me about my social life -- did I enjoy being single, was I ever going to date again? Hmmmmm. Maybe she was trying to tell me something!
This insight certainly has given me something to think about and also some relief. I don't have to pretend to myself to like them all the time. If I can accept that they don't have to love me, then I can forgive myself for not auto-loving them. I can do my best because they married my children, but if I don't love someone my child picked as a spouse as much as I love my child, that doesn't make me the MIL from hell. What would make me that is if I thought I had to love my child's spouse, couldn't and then put the blame on him or her for not being lovable by my standards.
That aside, perhaps we can begin relate to each other as people.
I'm not kidding. The current situation with my DIL #1 is getting worse because she now maybe someday soon might be willing to talk to me as long as it's not about the issue we had. She doesn't want to argue, that's my guess. I have to guess, because she won't talk to me about it. She won't acknowledge the apology letter I sent. Which only makes the situation worse and pushes us further apart than we already are.
She claims what happened (which we haven't even had a chance to sit down and talk about - and believe me, there are at least two versions of it) has changed her feelings for me.
I think it has revealed how new our 7 year relationship is, how untested, virginal and fairy tale it is. If she doesn't want to take the time or energy to talk to me, I figure, she's just not that into me.
Or it may be something else. If you don't want to talk further about a conflict you had with someone you are supposedly close to, it could be for many reasons.
Perhaps there's little depth in the relationship, and you aren't willing to take it any further. Maybe you're afraid to risk the relationship's ability to withstand a disagreement. It might be you really don't like the person that much and this is a good excuse to dive. Or you maybe thought the other person was perfect and the conflict shocked you into seeing their flaws. Or worse -- you hoped they thought that you wereperfect and you're afraid they'll point out your flaws. The reasons for avoiding conflict with someone are complex - sometimes even the avoider doesn't know why (I speak from my own experience).
But...conflicts and disappointments can be used as stepping stones to a better relationship instead of bitter endings. Arguing with a mother in law doesn't have to be a bad thing. If I could talk to my DIL about this, I would love to share my thoughts.
The message I am getting from her (which may not be the message she means to send) is that she does not wish to have a relationship with me of any depth.
I've seen her argue with many people - of course, I couldn't understand the content of the arguments because I don't speak her native language, but you can understand tones of speech and body language. In addition, she's told me about arguments in a very heated and passionate way, on issues large and small, and usually very personal to her. I want to ask her - "What, I'm not good enough, I'm not family?"
In my own family of origin, arguing was not allowed. If you had a disagreement with a family superior member, you got sent to your room. You didn't talk back. Consequently, my family of origin was not very close. And I know that's why I feel this is a punishment, when that might not be what she means at all. But in my therapy educated opinion... having disagreements with others is one way we become closer to others.
This is something I learned the expensive way, and then the hard way, first through group therapy and then with run ins with friends. The former way was frightening, but it laid the groundwork for the latter, in which I messed up often since I used to think arguments with loved ones were some kind of death to the relationship. But I have come to find that the opposite is often true. It's through these less than perfect mess ups with each other, if tended to rather than left to rot and fester, that we can become closer.
My DIL, I am sure, is not remaining silent on this issue. I know her, and unless she's had a radical personality change, then like me, she's talked to the very people she does have arguments and conflict with about this. I feel left out. I would like to talk to her about it, too.
My son assures me I'm still welcome in their home, as long as I don't bring up this issue. The real issue, to me, is that I feel as though my DIL doesn't care enough about me to talk to me about this. I don't mean to beat the proverbial dead horse -- the horse hasn't even been let out of the stall, in fact, I think she's looking at one horse and I'm looking at another. What I'm hearing is that we aren't supposed to even mention there ever was a horse, just pretend everything is fine, though our relationship is breaking down.
So, no -- I wouldn't feel welcome in their house under those conditions. Before, I wasn't walking on eggshells. Now, I wonder - if she won't talk to me about this, what other things have gone, or will go unspoken? In the back of my mind, I'll be wondering what she thinks I said, what she thinks I meant. I'll wonder what her family and friends think - I am suddenly the evil Mother In Law, intrusive and controlling, when that wasn't my intent at all. She's making assumptions about me, I'm sure I'm making assumptions about her. We are talking about each other to anyone but each other. What do I know? I just know, whatever the surface "welcome" is, I don't feel at all welcome under those conditions. And so I told my son, I cannot visit like this.
Arguing with a Mother in Law isn't all bad because you can put things out there, look at them, talk about them and see if you're even talking about the same things. You still might not agree, but at least you've "aired" your differences.
As it stands now, we are both feeling hurt and wounded. I am welcome and yet I am not. My feeling is I've been judged and then sent to my room for something I'm not clear on, at best treated like a child, at worst treated like a non family member. She may feel the same. I have no idea and my apology, meant to open a door to communication, has been ignored.
Arguing - disagreeing -- with a member of your family is not always a bad thing.It's a lot better than silence. It just needs to be done with some caring and openness, which of course is easier said than done.
So, here it is, the 18th birthday of my youngest son - the only one not yet married. Though of course this is his day, I do find it amusing that on the birthday of anyone, our mothers are set aside, though they were the ones who carried us for 9 months and labored us into the world.
That, I suppose, is what Mother's Day is supposed to make up for. Still, on any one of my own sons' birthdays, I find myself remembering little bits of the day of delivery -- I don't mention it to them, but their birthday is the one day that still connects me to them, at least in my mind.
I find my recent experience - the one wherein I came to realize, I'm a Mother-in-Law, (shudder) has made me somewhat wiser but cynical about being a mother, as well as a mother in law. As I watch my youngest become an adult, I start to think, "why bother?" and "what's the point?"
His girlfriend (also 18) and I are on fairly good terms. But now, with the vast smarts cast upon me by visiting countless MIL hater websites and reading posts by DIL's, reflecting on my own minor wounds and happenings with my own DIL's (not to mention the major blow up with DIL #1), I raise one eyebrow as I view my son's GF and think -- mmm hmmm... it's just a matter of time.
What kind of an attitude is that, I ask only half laughing at myself!
Oh, probably realistic.
This all seems to me somewhat unrelated to being a MIL and DIL -- it's just what happens when our children grow up, leave home and marry. Or marry, leave home and grow up. In whatever order they do it. The key words though, are not "marry" or "grow up". It's "leave home" -- read "leave us".
It's what they are supposed to do, but it is difficult to accept. And we really are now just backdrop in their lives. It could be far worse, if we were some other species. I'm too lazy to do the research, but I wonder what happens in the animal kingdom when offspring grow up and have their own families. Do apes and gorillas invite their parents over every week-end? Do chimpanzee MIL's and DIL's fight? Maybe so, or maybe we can still argue we're not apes, gorillas, chimpanzees.
Still -- I do not like this feeling, I will admit it, that I am no longer a part of my married sons' lives except as needed for money, childcare, or obligatory visits on holidays. But there isn't really much I can do about it. And right now, I am struggling not to take this sad awareness out on my youngest son and his girlfriend/future fiancee -- at the moment I feel prone to snarl and snap at whoever she may be, to turn into the MIL from hell proclaiming, "Don't think you're gonna get rid of me that easy, Missy."
So, maybe now I'm coming to realize from whence the stereotypical MIL is born.
I keep seeing comments where a MIL may say a DIL took away her son, or a DIL says her MIL is angry at her because "I took away her son". On both parts, I think this is an unfortunate way to look at the relationships involved. The son becomes an inanimate prized possession - the two women become competitors, rather than two people sharing the love of the same man, who can still be loved, though not owned, by two women.
My mind flies around, looking for an old Kahil Gibran quote, which both women would do well to remember , especially if the DIL has any children of her own -- something along the lines of "Your children are not your children, They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you."
And then my mind wanders to King Solomon and the two women who are claiming ownership of a baby -- you know the story. It's the one who is willing to give him up who is recognized as the true mother. That's what we MIL's are -- we're the mothers, and we're giving up our children -- difficult though it might be. But that doesn't mean we're giving up ownership of one person to another, or giving up our position as our child's mother or relinquishing our love.
It should simply mean we're done with parenting, and welcoming our son's or daughter's new spouse into our family, and recognizing that our child is also part of their family, and that they also have a family of their own. We need to be the one who understands the bigger picture, that this is a good thing, and that love is not a competition with winners and losers.
For those who aren't aware, our children leave several times during our relationship with them. The first time, I think, is when they take that first step of independence. Of course they come back again, but parenting really is about raising children and getting them reading to leave us. If we really thought about that, maybe we wouldn't so willingly give our hearts to our babies - but this is what all creatures do. We make babies, we love them, we raise them and we let them go.
Would that it were that simple, of course. For them or for us. They come back, we let them. They need help, we give it. Eventually, though, they are on their own. This can happen at 18 or somewhere in their 30's, when they and we finally let go. They may be the ones who find it most difficult, or it may be us. But if we are healthy, eventually, we are done with our parenting role with each child.
And so, regardless of who is saying it - parent, child, daughter-in-law, son-in-law, it seems revealing when someone says they "took away" someone. The person who got "taken away" is the passive prize, the one who "took" them, the "winner", the other one the loser. No wonder, with this attitude, there is friction between a mother-in-law and daughter-or son-in-law.
Someone needs to remind them, this isn't a competition, or shouldn't be. There should be enough love to go around..
Wouldn't it be nice if the view of a marriage - by the parents of bride and groom, by the new husband and wife too - would be an expansion of the family, not a loss to someone, not a win-lose situation?
Perhaps the in-laws could start it off by letting their offsprings new spouse know "In my view, you aren't taking my son away, you're expanding the family. Welcome to ours, I hope we're welcome to yours..."
I've been astonished about how many Mother In Law haters there are around -- and how the feelings often expand from one's own mother in law to anyone who identifies herself to them as a Mother In Law.
I never really identified myself as "A Mother In Law" until recently, when I suddenly realized that's now a role of mine.
My own two MIL's were lovely people -- I never categorized them as bad by the title. I still don't understand the animosity - it saddens me to be included, if I've overstepped my bounds by accident or if I'm just being packaged in with all MIL's.
Here are just some thoughts I'd like to pass along...
Mother in laws didn't grow up wanting to be a mother in law, let alone your mother in law. A mother yes, a grandmother -- maybe -- but not a mother in law
Mother in laws started out as a mother. They still refer to themselves as a mother and to your spouse as one of their children.
This isn't going to change. (How many parents who love their children ever stop referring to them as "my son" or "my daughter"?)
Mother in Laws are going through a "role change" - from being one of the main advisor's in a child's life to "backdrop".
Mother in Laws don't receive any warning or formal training to do this.
There's also no handbook or manual.
Mother in Laws were daughter in laws once (a new daughter in law could get her new MIL to talk about her own experiences with her MIL)
Mother in Laws - most anyway - do not want to alienate their children's spouses, cause problems in their children's marriages and be unwelcome in their children's homes.
Nobody - even in fairy tales - gets to pick who their mother in law will be -- sometimes you just have to deal with the hand you're dealt.
Ditto for daughter and son in laws -- at least in Western cultures, mother in laws don't get to select who their children marry -- deal with it.
All of this ... conflict, unresolved though it may be.... has been helpful. It made me stop and think about what it means to be a Mother in Law... and what it doesn't mean.
I came across some interesting posts that are somewhat related, more about the new state of grandparents in America these days. In my mind, being a mother in law and a grandmother are tied together. I mean, you can be a grandmother without being a mother in law... and you can be a mother in law without being a grandmother. But in my mind, or my life, they are somewhat intertwined.
Let me try and unthread the two. If I'm only a mother in law, if there are no children involved, that would make life somewhat simpler in defining my role. There would be little place for me -- Mother In Law would just be the title for describing or introducing me to others. It only defines how I am related to my children's spouses. Simple. I do wish the definition went further than just saying that -- it should have rules with it to.
Mother In Law -- n. the female parent of a spouse. v. One who minds her own business.
Add to that the grandmother title, and you're adding more of a function. Most of the posts I saw were commenting on the "fact" that grandparents these days are different from grandparents of days gone by because they have more to do with taking care of their grandchildren. They are called upon as childcare because both of the parents work, or because there's a divorce and one of the parents needs help or has moved back home. Or they may have taken over child care because of drug or alcohol problems with the grandchildren's parents.
This doesn't sound like anything new to me -- grandparents if they so wish and are asked have always been available to help with the grandkids. The difference from my view is that many of us are choosing not to be supplemental parents.
The grandparenting issue is one that can cause problems with a Mother In Law, where there were no problems before... or exacerbate existing problems. It can be a problem for a MIL who wants to offer feedback on how to raise kids -- worse if she's one who wants to "tell" how it should be done. (Key advise -- unless your grandchildren are being abused, stay out of the child-rearing wisdom).
It can also be a problem if the MIL doesn't want to be a babysitter -- or if that's the only time she's contacted. Some of us have been parenting for a long time (myself - it will be 42 years of parenting done when my youngest graduates from high school). We at least need a break before and if we continue on babysitting (because we shouldn't be parenting). Some of us may have things we want to do that we've put off - and we may be realizing we have limited times. Other MIL's may be young enough to still be working and have their own lives.
In any case, I'm thankful in some ways for the silence I'm receiving because it's making me reflect on many things I might have not examined. I was pretty much trundling along, thinking I was doing what needed to be done. More later on what a DIL perhaps needs to say to her MIL, rather than making assumptions. We cannot read your minds.
Being a Long Distance Mother in Law might be seen as something that could be a plus to making the Mother in Law relationship a bit less stressful for all. But, you know, there are disadvantages too.
I have one set of in-laws (guess what-- my sons and their wives are my in-laws too!) who live 50 miles away - and another who live 3,914 miles away.
In both cases, you won't find me "dropping in" - a plus there. My mother once "dropped in" on my husband and myself while we were in the shower together..not just showering... so I know how nice it is not to have an in-law (or parent) just drop in.
For my long long distance family, though, this means visits have to be planned and budgeted, and when I come for a visit, they are stuck with me for long periods of time. Neither have seemed to mind - my daughter in law is Turkish and she seems to enjoy having family around for long periods of time -- her parents have stayed for 3 months, while I usually only stay for a week or two.
Still... you know what they say - "after 3 days, fish and visitors stink". And despite what we new in laws think, that applies to us, too.
The other disadvantage of long distance in-lawing that comes to me is the inability to resolve issues - especially if one party is not talking to another. You can't arrange a tea to talk, you can't 'run into' someone at a common place -- the distance becomes distance.
You'd think the internet and Skype would help - and in some cases, perhaps they do. But there is nothing like a face to face sit down to resolve a conflict, even if that were to mean it started out with a good yelling fit first.
In my particular case, nothing is helping so I'm to the point where I'm losing any concern about writing things down in here -- one of the other things I'm learning about being a mother in law is that one's own children don't really have the time to read what you're writing. Nor do they care. And I'm not being sarcastic or full of pity here. I'm finding this somewhat humbling, and somewhat amusing.
My kids (and by that I include my DIL's) just don't have time. They have their own lives. This could go down in the Lessons for Mother in Laws which I'm slowly accumulating. This isn't something personal, they are just busy busy busy... as I was at their age.
Evidently this is the real reason holidays started (before Hallmark and others realized how profitable they were). Holidays are a way to force families to make time for each other. Although, I can already assure you there will be more writings in the coming holidays about Mother in Laws and holidays -- especially since modern families can have as many as 4 Mother In Laws, perhaps more, in one family. What a scene -- not a Norman Rockwell moment, and one I'm glad I missed out on.
In any case -- long distance, while a plus to the DIL or SIL who cannot stand the in-laws, is a disadvantage for a MIL who wants to resolve a family conflict.
At this moment, ours has gone from bad to worse.
Our conflict started the week-end of July 11th during a stateside visit for a funeral. My bad for the way I handled something, though I believe it was a relatively minor event that has gotten blown up and escalated for reasons I'm not entirely clear on.
It's not been a month but to me it feels like it's been years. My DIL is not speaking to me so I wrote a letter of apology. I'd told my son I would do that - though I don't believe what I actually did was wrong, the way I presented it to her, the timing, was very wrong and put her in an awkward situation. So I wrote and told her I loved her and apologized for that and didn't go into why I'd said what I did, or argue dead points.
I'd told my son, too, that he and I don't need to talk about this -- she would feel like we were ganging up on her - she's his wife, and this is between she and I...it seemed like something she and I (who have known each other, though not as well as I'd like, for nearly 8 years with never a problem) could work out - that it could even have brought us together as we worked through this, by talking about it.
But there's been no reply.
It may be that she's just busy - she has other things in her life, and this may not seem as big to her now as it does to me. Or she's still angry. Or this is a build up from those visits of two weeks long visits and the way I did this or that really irritated her. Or she has a specific time set for this -- a month, perhaps two, of silent punishment. I'm not certain.
Mind you, I'm not expecting a reply of acceptance and some sweet and happy ending. What I was expecting was some acknowledgement that my message was heard -- even if the reply was "and I don't want to talk about it now", that would be a reply.
Silence is a cold shoulder. Silence is rude. I'm somewhat stunned by it. What has happened now is that the problem is escalating and taking on a life of its own. Because I love my son and grandson, because I value their happiness and support their family, there will be no vindictive or hateful contra punishments. But there's a natural reaction I just can't help.
I blame much of this on the long distance. The mistake I made was in not talking directly to her about something that concerned me when it happened, and I did not do it because we live so far apart, I waited until we were together again in a short period of time. That's due to the long distance.
The long distance means I have to sit and wait, it means not even an invitation to tea can be made or turned down. As I wait , my own feelings build up and as I said to a friend today, the silence at the other end now added to whatever my DIL thinks I did to her is creating even more of another kind of distance. We will have a lot of work to do to rebuild this, because the small wound - or perhaps large to her, I do not know for sure -- is growing. It surely isn't healing. Still, there is nothing I can do further - I can only sit and wait.
Thankfully, there are books out about Mother in laws --they give me something to read, something to lean on. I've got little reviews of them up on my Mother In Law Training page. They don't give me any solutions to this, but I am learning a lot about being a Mother in Law from them. Which of course is all my training page is about ... me... being trained as a mother in law through the things I do...and the things I read. (I'm the first in my little group to be a mother in law.. lucky me...)
It did sneak up on me, this MIL stuff...it was a piece of cake, I really was unaware of the power and danger that can be there until this happened...because of this mishap with my DIL, suddenly I woke up and realized I'm a MIL...
And so,life goes on..nothing much more to say, for now.
Having written the thank you to my former MIL, and also a note of apology to my first DIL, all remains silent. There is a side of being a MIL that is very much in the background. Itmay be my apology has not been accepted - or that their are other more important things going on -- I am not the center, I know that, and it doesn't cause me any strong feelings. It is what it is.
Apologies do not need to be accepted -- I am surprised how I am not angry or saddened by the silence. I've done what I could. Time to move on with my own life.
My plan is to take off soon - when I am 62, my youngest will be off to college, we do hope if finances work for us. And that will somewhat end 42 years of being a full time mother.
My plan at this moment is to take off myself for a year or so in an RV... we'll see if that works. But how does that fit in to relationships with sons and their wives? I suspect as long as I am not needed, it's fine. I'm in the background of their lives, though it is still the centerfold of my own.
After attending the funeral of my First Mother-in-Law -- not too awkward, as my First Husband and I seem to be on friendly terms now -- I came home and penned a note to my Second Mother In Law who celebrated her 81st birthday on the day of the funeral.
There's nothing like a funeral to remind you how short life is!
I haven't seen Barbara (MIL 2nd) for a long time, but we do ask after each other through our mutual contact, my son, her grandson. My note was just a one page thank you as I come to recognize how difficult it can be to be a Good Mother in Law -- which Barbara was.
As was Rosemary (MIL 1st). I have seen her a few times over the years, staying in touch through our mutual contact, my first son, her first grandson. I saw her just two summers ago, but she was suffering from the effects of Parkinson's. She didn't recognize me - her face lit up, though, when I explained I was my son's mother. She recognized his name, and a familiar smile spread across her face.
How I wish I had told her before then what a wonderful Mother In Law she was to me - I don't know that it would have mattered as much to her as it would have to me, to have let someone special know what they meant to me. I hope she knew it.
All two of my MIL's have wonderful relationships with their grandchildren - I think that is one aspect of being a good MIL. I'm wondering if it is even possible to be a good MIL without being a good grandmother, and vice versa....
When I was first married, my husband was more worried about what his mother thought of me than I was! I remember him watching me cut the lettuce for a salad, and telling me that his mother always tore her lettuce (she wasn't coming for dinner or anything). I also had real short hair and a little "fall" I wanted to wear, to make my hair look long. He told me disapprovingly that his mother would never go for that kind of fake look.
(I will bite my tongue here from making any comments about his second wife - who was beautiful but.....bite bite bite)
My second husband when watching me tear the lettuce as I had now become accustomed to do said, "What are you doing? My mother doesn't do that - you're supposed to cut it."
So, some of the problems DIL's have with their mother in laws may be fed to them from their husbands, without the MIL's even knowing or caring!
In my e-mail I got this rejection notice about some postage stamps I'd designed -- it was refused as a design on zazzle. Mind you, they don't care about the quality of the artwork, so it wasn't because my cartoons are judged inferior. (and note, since then it has been OK'd -- seems the offending part was because I'd had her saying "Oh God"...too religious, evidently.
o Design incorporates material the primary purpose of which is to advocate or protest any particular religious, social, political, legal or moral agenda of any person or entity.
Another design was also refused and never did make it as a stamp..this my favorite so far, I'll be wearing a t-shirt with this on it soon:
I'm not quite sure how to take all this -- am I protesting or advocating myself as a Mother in Law? Or did the person doing the review just look at the name "Mother in Law" and see an insult? Or do they just have no sense of humor, or is mine so dry nobody gets it?
The one thing I took home with me was an appreciation for how difficult it is to be a mother-in-law sometimes. It isn't all smiles and buying gifts and baking apple pies (or whatever the ideal mother-in-law does).
You have to know when to shut your mouth, and you have to then, shut your mouth. There are things that are none of your business -- most everything -- as your former "child", now an adult, goes about setting up his or her own household. It isn't easy.
I suppose, in some way, you have to think of this as if these were friends of yours, sensitive friends and before stepping in ask yourself some questions.
If you want to comment on things like child-rearing, buying a house, how a kitchen is arranged - would you say this to your friends? Would you have wanted your friends (or your own MIL) to comment on this to you?
Holiday plans, visiting the other in-laws instead of coming to see you -- that's a bit more sensitive. Feelings get hurt and I am still not sure what to do with that. I've suggested to my local son and his wife that they consider being the hosts instead of trying to visit her family and his here. But his other family is hundreds of miles away, and they want to see them too.
I don't think you have to "suffer in silence" but you don't have to send out guilt laden messages either. "We'll miss you" is enough. And then go on with your life. If you only have one child and no spouse -- you need to get a life.
My thought was that there are times when a MIL needs to speak out, also -- that takes a certain amount of reflection and bravery. Others disagree -- you need to always Keep Your Mouth Shut
One of the things I pulled out of this incident was that it would have been better had I spoken up two months ago when I saw the things I wanted to address, instead of waiting and then bringing it up at this emotionally laden time (funeral of my son's favorite grandmother).
In self-defense, it was hard because I wasn't sure what the MIL 'rules' were -- would I be intruding or was it OK? At that time I was a visitor in their home. Instead of speaking out, I took the concerns home and talked to a couple of my BFF's about it and figured if I still saw what I'd seen on the next visit (probably another year to 6 months away), then I could bring it up. This funeral, of course, was sudden. And the issues were still there, probably magnified by the emotional surroundings of the event. Perhaps out of proportion, perhaps not.
As with knowing when to keep your mouth shut, I suppose a MIL should ask the same questions before bringing up a delicate issue.
Is this something I would bring up with married friends? Is this something I would want my own friends (or in-laws) to point out to me in my own life? and-- Is this the time? Is this the place?
After coming back from the funeral, I wrote a note to my second MIL, who just celebrated her 81st birthday. I wanted to thank her for being my MIL and mention a time when she approached me on a sensitive issue (I'd gone back to my maiden name while married, a big issue for the family - and a year later, I moved out - something she had been concerned about). I wanted to let her know I appreciated her and knew that conversation could not have been easy. At the time I didn't understand, and maybe she didn't either as I was her first DIL, how difficult that might have been.
Marriage is both a private thing and a community thing, especially in the family. I think if there are 'issues' a MIL sees that indicate a marriage might be troubled, then someone needs to point them out and ask if all is OK.
Not pass judgements, give solutions or offer cures, but just point them out - like, "the emperor has no clothes". Because sometimes people who are in the midst of something can't,won't, or don't want to see clearly.
However a MIL needs to remember that "Forsaking all others" means her too, if push comes to shove. And to consider that maybe it isn't up to her to bring an issue up - maybe it will resolve on it's own, without her 'help'. It's really hard for some of us to step aside and watch and in this new and undefined 'job' as MIL, to know what to do. Mistakes will be made.
When approaching a sensitive issue, if you come into conflict with your child's spouse, you are risking several relationships. You have to know that your child must choose their spouse over you and you should never enter into a conflict wanting to 'win'.
If you alienate your offspring's spouse, you are making life difficult for your child. You are putting a weight on their marriage they do not need. You may be the weight they get rid of, to save their marriage. If there are grandchildren involved, you could lose contact with them. Even if you don't lose contact with them, you may be creating a dysfunctional weighty situation within the family.
So, before speaking out on what seems an important issue, a MIL needs to be certain it is worth the risks.
It is a scary thing to do, and as with any whistle blower, you will not be thanked. You are more likely to be attacked, misunderstood and fired.
At the moment, I think that's where I am. Fired. I realize I could have been wrong to do this at all. Or in how I did, where I did it, or wrong in my assumptions. What I saw could have been misinterpreted. All I did, though, was say, I'm concerned --is everything OK, here's what I have been hearing in my last two visits this is how it looks.
I find it ironic that the problems I had with my daughter in law came at the funeral of my former mother in law. Perhaps there's a lesson there.
Don't bring up "issues" at emotionally loaded events -- funerals, weddings, holidays. Of course, that's probably when we want to bring them up. Although I was not aware that I was emotionally fragile at the time, that might have been a delusion! And certainly my son was. And he was the one who took our conversation and ran with it, to his wife who was feeling like an outsider and wasn't aware that I really was the ultimate outsider there - former daughter-in-law a guest in the house of my newly divorced ex-husband and his brother and family.
As my former brother-in-law would say, "What a scene".
This is a realization that just came to me after an incident with one of my DIL's. The specifics aren't important, and to share them only add fuel to the fire I think (though I may change my mind on that later). But the interaction was one that apparently shifted me from good to evil, despite 8 years of knowing when to step aside and mind my tongue.
I've been a MIL longer than I was a DIL but my own MIL's were so wonderful, I thought this was an easy gig. After 8 years of being a long distance MIL, I'm finding it isn't so easy. And there are no guidelines passed down from generation to generation.
There's common sense mixed in with personal issues. Being a MIL isn't something most of us signed up for, but the majority of us do the best we can.
We get pummeled by our own human error and frailties, mixed in with the stereotypes, bad jokes (only to the MIL you note, never to the FIL) and out and out hatred in some cases of Mother in Laws. And not just someone's particular MIL, but ALL Mother in Laws.
I signed up to be a mother, and was thrilled to be a grandmother. I was even eager to be my sons' wives loving mother in law.
I just wasn't signed up to be tagged as an evil, controlling bitch aka a MOTHER IN LAW.
We all know the rules and we learn to follow them.
Don't give advice you're not asked to give (and even then, be cautious and careful, making sure you're clear it's only your opinion).
Call before coming, don't show up univited.
Stay away from offering negative opinions on their child-rearing and their finances,though it's fine to offer positive opinions on all of that.
Don't compare what they are doing with how you used to do it, or how you would do it, or how it 'should be done'.
When visiting, do things their way, not yours.
Remember that what you say to your SIL or DIL may be taken differently from how it is offered -- you may just be offering a memory or an opinion, but because you are THE MOTHER IN LAW, it may be received as a direct order, a criticism, a judgement call...
But there is this grey area to me. In my mind, I do believe the family does have a partial role in the health of the marriage. I didn't have that in my marriage, and though perhaps that would have made no difference, I have to wonder.
When I went to my first son's wedding, which included a huge Middle Eastern extended family, I realized that the family is a part of the marriage. When I thought about the effects a divorce would have on the relationships of our family to hers, again I thought, this marriage is more than just between two people - it is the marriage of two families. This is marriage the old fashioned way, with some traditional and religious connections. And I like it -- though many parts of a marriage are a private affair, the overall picture is not -- the health and support of a marriage is a job of more than just the couple -- it requires the help of the community and the family. I don't find that intrusive, as long as you aren't meddling in someone's bedroom and private affairs. But of course, if you are considering leaving a marriage and there are people stepping in to ask you to think about it, you would consider that intrusive.
Some things are not easy. Leaving a marriage, stopping abusing your spouse or child, giving up drugs, hiding an affair... none of those are easy. I'm not digressing, really.
What does a Mother in Law do if she thinks she senses trouble in the marriage, unhappiness in her DIL? What if she sees abuse - verbal or physical - of a spouse, a child, or of the person themself, shouldn't she say something? What about drug or alcohol abuse?
Does she say something, ever and risk being called intrusive, nosy, wrong? Or does she wait and three years from now when they announce they're getting a divorce, say, "You know, I thought there was something happening, maybe I should have said something?"
And if she should have said something, what should she have said? And to whom? And what? and How? And if she was wrong, is there room for forgiveness?
MIL porn! 
