Once a mother, always a mother .. I'm not giving up my title

Every Mother in Law started as a Mother . by Nanas_Alley

Working on grandparent designs for Valentine's Day (months ahead, it's true, but you have to if you want to keep up!) and I started with a design I did for Mother-in-Laws -- I really liked the design, but it was intended to only be used for a MIL, with the words "in-law" scribbled over the heart and word "mother".

When suddenly it occured to me that I am still a mother. In fact, once a mother, always a mother. This is a phrase most often used by women who have lost their child to death, and I do not want to take anything away from that, or to usurp the phrase.

Still, I felt a need to express that feeling I've seen expressed with much pain many times on the Mother in Laws Unite board . And while I don't go there much anymore, I think to avoid the pain and feeling of being dragged down because of the bitterness and helplessness that seems to fill the site, I think this feeling of being robbed of our position as a mother is what causes those feelings.

Of course there comes a time when the nest is empty and we are supposed to move on to other endeavors. Being a grandparent can fill that need for some. Volunteer work, other friends, other interests. For many of us, though, if there are problems with our children's spouses and we are cut off, in minor or major ways, from being part of their family - if only as the extensions in-laws and grandparents are - then we are left with very little. And worse, we are blamed for it. Because we are not letting go, or because we haven't filled our lives properly. Or both.

I guess I'd never really looked at it thoroughly and thought that I needed to get on with my life. As a single parent who didn't remarry - and who really doesn't want to -- I hadn't realized how empty the nest was going to be.

There is, of course, the son and his wife who live far far away, and with whom there is a riff because of a minor (really) conflict five months ago that remains unresolved. What was once just a physical distance is growing into something more emotional and personal. Since my DIL won't discuss any of this with me, I can only assume that this is more or less an excuse for the distance because (I know) she and her family greatly disapprove of the way I led my life - hippy, loose and untraditional, to say the least. And my housekeeping was always a major shock (I live with dog fur and vaguely remember to sweep when company is coming; she irons her underwear and washes the walls on a regular basis).

And then my second son and his wife (who I adore) but my aforementioned lifestyle has been my undoing. I am an introvert with only a few friends. My house and life have little of excitement to offer. They do their best to come and visit -- it is good for me that I live in an interesting village they love, with friends they want to see -- otherwise, I imagine I would see them less than I do. When a couple is trying to divide their in-law time, it's difficult enough with two sets. They do their best, really, but there is her family, his family and me -- I am somewhat like the odd aunt Ida who they check in on every so often. Maybe I should get Wii or Guitar Hero.

Among my fellow posters on Mother in Laws Unite board , I imagine I'm the oddity. Most seem to be happily married and so at least have a husband and some kind of normal social life to fill their days. But even so, they are in pain and there is nothing that can replace the family feeling we all seemed to have had, back in the days when our children were young and were were granted the title of "Mother".

When you lose that title, and become instead "Mother in Law", things seem to just go downhill.

That doesn't seem to happen for everyone. It may not even happen in the eyes of all of our children and their spouses, but it's the feeling some of us share. Christmas was hard for us -- next comes Valentine's Day, which will be difficult - and then the Big One - Mother's Day, in which several of us are sure not to get anything for Mother's Day. And even if there was a "Mother in Law's Day" -- I think what we would like remembered is, once a mother, always a mother. We aren't giving up our title as Mother and replacing it with MIL or grandmother - those are add ons, not replacements!