What's in a Name?

I've said that "mother in law" is just a title - as is "daughter in law". Just a simple, legalistic descriptive term that tells you the relationship of a woman to her children's spouses or a daughter to her husband's mother.

But as the relationship between my two sons' wives develop, I begin to question that. My first DIL and I now have a less than friendly relationship - civil, I suppose. As she said, it will never be the same. She seems to have no awareness that it could be the same, better, if she were willing to talk with me - not about the "incident" but about what is going on between us. She doesn't want to, it isn't her style and so our relationship erodes. It will be civil. I feel sad, but more accepting than I've been before.

However, I find myself referring to her as "my son's wife" rather than "my daughter in law". And I don't really want to be described by her as her mother in law. Those titles, at least to me, aren't impersonal and descriptive. They are the indication of a personal relationship, a connection between two people, a connection that - at least for now - isn't there. I suppose that means I've emotionally divorced myself from her, I feel disconnected.

But in referring to the wives of my sons, I find myself saying (when not referring to them by name) that one is "my son's wife", while the other is "my daughter in law".
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March 31, 2014 - in retrospect, I do not like this attitude of mine here.

The problem with daughter in laws

Since nobody reads this, I feel free to express myself! The problem with daughter in laws is ... in my opinion ... a sentence that leads to conflict, distancing and arguments.

But if we must finish that sentence? The problem with daughter in laws, from the mother in law's perspective, might be one of many things. And it well depends on the mother in law's perceptions of her place in her married son's life.

This whole issue - mother in laws and daughter in laws - is so loaded with tension and conflict, it's a wonder there are any mother in laws and daughter in laws who get along. It's a wonder we aren't hearing horror stories of undercover agents hired by both "sides" to get rid of the other.

From what I read on the boards - even the board I like - the problem with daugher in laws and mother in laws is who we each think the other is, and who we think we are.

There are so many ways the roles can be played, it is impossible and incorrect to broadly place a daughter in law or a mother in law in the position of victim or bully, wrong party or Queen Manipulator.

It isn't a matter of the Title that gives the power, though you would think so if you read the boards. All Daughter in Laws are < fill in the blank > All Mother in Laws are < fill in the blank > .

The problem with daughter in laws is that they are people. The problem with mother in laws is that they are people. Flawed, with different degrees of maturity and perceptions of their own position in the lives of the others.

Sadly for those who get locked into the dramas, the problem with daughter in laws and mother in laws is that they seem to forget we are only here for a very short time. It can all end, literally, in a heart beat.