I've said that "mother in law" is just a title - as is "daughter in law". Just a simple, legalistic descriptive term that tells you the relationship of a woman to her children's spouses or a daughter to her husband's mother.
But as the relationship between my two sons' wives develop, I begin to question that. My first DIL and I now have a less than friendly relationship - civil, I suppose. As she said, it will never be the same. She seems to have no awareness that it could be the same, better, if she were willing to talk with me - not about the "incident" but about what is going on between us. She doesn't want to, it isn't her style and so our relationship erodes. It will be civil. I feel sad, but more accepting than I've been before.
However, I find myself referring to her as "my son's wife" rather than "my daughter in law". And I don't really want to be described by her as her mother in law. Those titles, at least to me, aren't impersonal and descriptive. They are the indication of a personal relationship, a connection between two people, a connection that - at least for now - isn't there. I suppose that means I've emotionally divorced myself from her, I feel disconnected.
But in referring to the wives of my sons, I find myself saying (when not referring to them by name) that one is "my son's wife", while the other is "my daughter in law".
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I suspect that I am "son's wife" to my MIL, while my brother-in-laws' wife is DIL. I get hangers from Christmas. She gets silk scarves.
ReplyDeleteI am accused of playing mind games if I express confusion or concern. I am summarily ignored if my MIL visits and she decides to get angry with me WHILE I AM AT WORK. If she offers to help and I accept and show or tell her how we do things, I am being VERY RUDE.
I am rude and selfish and it's my fault that her grandsons don't get a hot breakfast every day and that the house isn't run according to her rules. Nevermind that her son is a stay-at-home Dad - a decision he made without me, but which I have done my best to support. I selfishly and rudely loan her my car when she visits. I have done a number of things equally "selfish and rude."
The reality is that I "took" the one son she thought would be at her beck and call for the rest of her life. She used to be able to live with him whenever she pleased for however long she pleased. And while she certainly enjoys her grandsons, she seems to forget that I am their mother - that there would be no grandchildren without me in the equation. She tells them, when I am with her, that they can skip baths, not eat their veggies, and she has called herself "Mommy" to one of them.
Nothing I do will ever make a difference with this woman. It used to break my heart. I had truly thought we'd be friends. I thought the MIL jokes were old and mean-spirited; I had always gotten along with the mothers of men I had dated. And then whammy.
It doesn't break my heart anymore. I am past caring. She doesn't like me. And nothing I can do will change that. I am glad she likes her other DIL and all I can figure is that either it's all good because she has no children to judge, it's all good because they drink together, or MIL simply dislikes me for me. Regardless, there is no action I have taken or can take to change things.
I hope you and your "son's wife" can reach some peaceful place. I can't figure out from your blog what happened - but I assume you didn't pretend she didn't exist(I get this); get outraged with her for acting like she was the mother of her own children (I get this too); get furiously angry because she told you she and your son were using a towel as a floormat in you grandchildren's bathroom and that you didn't need to fold it; get furiously angry over something you imagined she did while she was at work (I get this A LOT); or get bent out of shape that after she loaned you her car and invited you to her home, she didn't then also remake her entire life to suit you.
Despite all this from my MIL, I am still civil and I wouldn't cut her out of my sons lives unless I thought she might hurt them (she drinks a lot, so I am wary, but I don't keep her from them).
I don't know why I am ranting here, but I wish you the best. Would you be willing to share the incident? Who knows? Maybe some of us "son's wives" could help you find a path to resolution.
In any event, God Bless and good luck.
I am glad that you are using this as a space to work through and think through your concerns with your "son's wife" and "daughter-in-law." In my culture, the term "mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is considered impersonal, distant, and merely an indication of a relationship. I use mother, which I will admit has become increasingly difficult as I am being criticized, argued with, and gossiped about. Nevertheless, I still use the term mother. I still chose to "honor" her as a mom, even when she does not honor or respect my marriage to her son. I have found the following, book immensely helpful--perhaps, it will give you some perspective "What do you want from me?" by Terri Apter. Peace and Blessing.
ReplyDeleteThanks.. always good to get advice from those who have been there.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I've read Terri Apter's book, referenced it on my Mother in Law's in training...http://www.squidoo.com/motherinlawtraining ...
In my own experience, it's up to the DIL to decide if she wants to be called a daughter. Both of my DIL's - from two very different cultures - have mothers they are very close to. Neither of them want me to be their mother, and I respect that, though initially I used to introduce my son's wife as "my daughter" and my daughter-in-law (my second son's wife) is often mistaken for my daughter. :)