But as the relationship between my two sons' wives develop, I begin to question that. My first DIL and I now have a less than friendly relationship - civil, I suppose. As she said, it will never be the same. She seems to have no awareness that it could be the same, better, if she were willing to talk with me - not about the "incident" but about what is going on between us. She doesn't want to, it isn't her style and so our relationship erodes. It will be civil. I feel sad, but more accepting than I've been before.
However, I find myself referring to her as "my son's wife" rather than "my daughter in law". And I don't really want to be described by her as her mother in law. Those titles, at least to me, aren't impersonal and descriptive. They are the indication of a personal relationship, a connection between two people, a connection that - at least for now - isn't there. I suppose that means I've emotionally divorced myself from her, I feel disconnected.
But in referring to the wives of my sons, I find myself saying (when not referring to them by name) that one is "my son's wife", while the other is "my daughter in law".
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March 31, 2014 - in retrospect, I do not like this attitude of mine here.
I suspect that I am "son's wife" to my MIL, while my brother-in-laws' wife is DIL. I get hangers from Christmas. She gets silk scarves.
ReplyDeleteI am accused of playing mind games if I express confusion or concern. I am summarily ignored if my MIL visits and she decides to get angry with me WHILE I AM AT WORK. If she offers to help and I accept and show or tell her how we do things, I am being VERY RUDE.
I am rude and selfish and it's my fault that her grandsons don't get a hot breakfast every day and that the house isn't run according to her rules. Nevermind that her son is a stay-at-home Dad - a decision he made without me, but which I have done my best to support. I selfishly and rudely loan her my car when she visits. I have done a number of things equally "selfish and rude."
The reality is that I "took" the one son she thought would be at her beck and call for the rest of her life. She used to be able to live with him whenever she pleased for however long she pleased. And while she certainly enjoys her grandsons, she seems to forget that I am their mother - that there would be no grandchildren without me in the equation. She tells them, when I am with her, that they can skip baths, not eat their veggies, and she has called herself "Mommy" to one of them.
Nothing I do will ever make a difference with this woman. It used to break my heart. I had truly thought we'd be friends. I thought the MIL jokes were old and mean-spirited; I had always gotten along with the mothers of men I had dated. And then whammy.
It doesn't break my heart anymore. I am past caring. She doesn't like me. And nothing I can do will change that. I am glad she likes her other DIL and all I can figure is that either it's all good because she has no children to judge, it's all good because they drink together, or MIL simply dislikes me for me. Regardless, there is no action I have taken or can take to change things.
I hope you and your "son's wife" can reach some peaceful place. I can't figure out from your blog what happened - but I assume you didn't pretend she didn't exist(I get this); get outraged with her for acting like she was the mother of her own children (I get this too); get furiously angry because she told you she and your son were using a towel as a floormat in you grandchildren's bathroom and that you didn't need to fold it; get furiously angry over something you imagined she did while she was at work (I get this A LOT); or get bent out of shape that after she loaned you her car and invited you to her home, she didn't then also remake her entire life to suit you.
Despite all this from my MIL, I am still civil and I wouldn't cut her out of my sons lives unless I thought she might hurt them (she drinks a lot, so I am wary, but I don't keep her from them).
I don't know why I am ranting here, but I wish you the best. Would you be willing to share the incident? Who knows? Maybe some of us "son's wives" could help you find a path to resolution.
In any event, God Bless and good luck.
I am glad that you are using this as a space to work through and think through your concerns with your "son's wife" and "daughter-in-law." In my culture, the term "mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is considered impersonal, distant, and merely an indication of a relationship. I use mother, which I will admit has become increasingly difficult as I am being criticized, argued with, and gossiped about. Nevertheless, I still use the term mother. I still chose to "honor" her as a mom, even when she does not honor or respect my marriage to her son. I have found the following, book immensely helpful--perhaps, it will give you some perspective "What do you want from me?" by Terri Apter. Peace and Blessing.
ReplyDeleteThanks.. always good to get advice from those who have been there.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I've read Terri Apter's book, referenced it on my Mother in Law's in training...http://www.squidoo.com/motherinlawtraining ...
In my own experience, it's up to the DIL to decide if she wants to be called a daughter. Both of my DIL's - from two very different cultures - have mothers they are very close to. Neither of them want me to be their mother, and I respect that, though initially I used to introduce my son's wife as "my daughter" and my daughter-in-law (my second son's wife) is often mistaken for my daughter. :)
Your blog is interesting to read...but this is exactly what is wrong with mother in laws...your thinking (well most people's thinking) is flawed.
ReplyDeleteNo wonder your daughter in laws don't want you invovled. You sounds very selfish & needy. If anybody sounds passive aggressive - it's you. As a daughter in law, I find it easier to be more respectful and 'civil' by ignoring and not reacting to my mil's tactics. If I do say something...I can guarantee it won't be nice.
Realize that it is THEIR life. You are an important person to your son, not to them, unfortunately. You have no real meaning to the mother in laws (I know that may sting, but that is reality). Going to your son about your issues is only putting him in the middle.
Too bad you didn't have any daughters but that's just how the world works. Let them have their lives.
Yep, indeed I am very selfish and needy and the older I get and reflect back on my life, the more I see that. But you know, going through this becoming a MIL process is helping me deal with that. And hopefully to be more aware of that passive aggressive behavior.
DeleteNot sure where you got the idea that my DIL's don't want me involved. Well, maybe they don't, but they are grown women who are also going through this whole new family-relationship stuff just fine.
I stepped into my first DIL's business and shouldn't have which is how this all started. So there's that, she didn't want me involved in that, and I shouldn't have been, and have learned from that.
Meanwhile, since all of this happened, I've begun watching my second DIL's son from her first marriage and her new baby (with my son) while they work - at their request, following their rules, and she'd let me know if she didn't want me involved.
You can't always get what you want out of life, but that isn't always such a bad thing. I never wanted daughters - that passive aggressive behavior you picked up on was learned at my mama's knee - I think I would have been a disaster as the mother of daughters. I'm fine with my 3 sons and 3 grandsons so far. Though I think I'm almost mature enough now for a grand-daughter, if one should come my way.
Life is good - I'm enjoying the grandkids - and easing up on my expectations of what I think DIL's "should be" providing and realizing how necessary it is to take a new look at my newly structured life.
But if I live to be 100, I'm probably still going to be acting like a human, full of all kinds of short-comings and blessings, since - like you - that's what I am.